My behavior seems to repeat itself, typically on a monthly basis for around 10 days, I turn inwards.
Going from confident, happy, can take on the world, full of ideas and always something to say I become insecure, negative thoughts whirring around in my head which are all just a jumble of 'what do they think of me', 'why do I feel like this', 'is that person looking at me', 'I'm not working fast enought'. I have nothing to say, very aware of my speech to the point I either slur my words, get mumbled up or stop saying anything altogether because I am very aware of how I sound and come across. Where as I am usually very positive, confident, chatty, sociable and friendly with friends and strangers, my tone turns coarse, I have noting to say, I don't want to see anyone and I just want to hide away.
I have recently started a new job and this is my first day where I have felt like this, I now need to go in and face my boss. I am self employed and work very closely as an assistant, just me and my boss in a small room so there is no hiding away from it. The thing is, it is completely noticeable because there is such a shift in my personality and where there is always lots of laughter there is now negativity. I have just started working for 2 businesses both with very lovely people, I am self employed, so my time is precious with them. I feel I spent yesterday with the 2nd business not achieving very much at all, when I am in this place, I find I procrastinate, I go back and forth for no reason, start one thing and don't finish it, start another and don't finish that, then back to the first thing.
I have been to see the doctor and have now been referred to have CBT so we will see if that helps, I am just desperate, I want these episodes to stop. I wonder if I am bi-polar because I feel so on top of the world and then rock bottom but on speaking to my friends and GP, they don't seem to think so. I wonder if it is really severe PMT but it is hard to place, as it can be the 10 days leading up to, during of after my period which is a whole month in itself at varying times. I guess I really just want to be able to label it, so I know what it is, maybe that might help me deal with it.
When I seem to snap out of it, that is just what happens, one day I will wake up and feel slightly positive, I think about it for the morning 'am I feeling better' and then I think 'yes I am' and then by lunch I am in back where I want to be. For the next couple of weeks I am in a happy place until the next time, when it niggles into my life again and then I think 'here it comes' and then 'is it here?' and 'yes it is' for the next two weeks. I am now on day 7 of my low mood and feeling very tearful, rock bottom, so hopefully not much longer to go.
Does this sound similar to how anyone else feels, particularly, the self awareness and problems with speech, going from confident and happy to introvert within what seems a repetitive cycle?