For the last 18 months I have gradually become more and more unhappy and worried about everything. My mum has been clinically depressed for about 2 1/2 years, she was diagnosed about a month before my husband left me which made her worse. Through medication and counselling you got better and was able to return to work. About 2 weeks ago she went downhill again though something that happened at work. My dad was starting to show the same signs just before she went back off work but because mum is bad he is concentrating on her and seems a lot better.
I'm 34 yr old with my own business, about to move into a perfect house for me to run my business from but I've also just lost a client so now I'm panicking about being able yo afford the house. I'm worried about both my parents, my business and my finances on top or worrying about my boyfriend who is just in the middle of selling his house to move onto a boat he has been building which is no where near habitable with no heating or water. He keeps saying I'll be alright I've been in the army, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.
Unfortunately I keep taking all this worry and upset out on him and for the umpteenth time I've nearly ruined our relationship. I've told him how I feel and I've done a self test on nhs website which says I'm suffering from depression but I can't into the doctors until next week. My boyfriend doesn't understand that's can't help how feel and last nights had totally had enough and I actually thought things would be better for everyone if I wasnt here anymore. I didn't do anything about it but this morning the fact that I even thought of ending my life is scaring me. My boyfriend isn't talking to me and has even refused to go to the doctors with me now after offering to go with me in the first place.
I really don't know what to do at the moment, Ive spent the last 2 months pretending to my parents that my life is perfect and I'm happier than ever, this has all been a show and probably hasn't helped me. I don't know how to get my boyfriend to understand what's going on with me either, maybe we just aren't meant to be.
I'm actually in floods of tears typing this and I'm struggling to see the screen. This has been so hard for me to write, it feels like I'm admitting defeat.