So...... I feel like I need to write down some stuff.
So my dad passed away 1 year and a half ago. It was very sudden... He fell down the stairs and hit his head.
I found out when I was in bed having a lie in at about 11.00am one saturday morning... in my house at Uni. I got a phone call from my mum and the first thing she asked me was..'Are you sat down?'...
When I heard that my heart sank, I knew something had happened because we hadnt been able to get in contact with him (me and my 2 older sisters) so everyone was pretty worried already. It sounds weird but part of me already knew that thats what it was...... the first thing that came to my mind was that something had happened to dad. But when the words actually came out of her mouth..... It was asif time stood still........ and the pain was so consuming, I felt like I left my body and was watching myself. Watching myself crying and then running and telling my housemate what had happened. That whole week felt like that. I didnt feel like I was there at all... I had gone somewhere else for a while.
The weird thing is, the month before, one of my good friends father passed too. And they were the same age. So because I was so upset when she told me, I rang my dad and told him about her and how awful I felt for her - And I said to him jokingly ....'dont you go anywhere dad!!'............. and what happened exactly one month later......??? HOW can that possibly happen???!!
I dont know. Its just weird.
But what Im trying to say is....... Sometimes I dont think about him at all. Then sometimes I do, I go through phases. I usually feel angry and frustrated... in life.......... in God - for letting that happen to us, and to him. Dad had battled with depression and wasnt in a very good place when he passed. Which is the most painful thing for me, and it still cuts me so deep every time I think of him unhappy when he died. He was a beautiful man and deserved nothing but pure happiness. But there was nothing any of us could do because he wouldnt help himself. But now its too late for us to help him because hes gone and he will never come back - thats the hardest thing to accept - That I once had a dad, but not anymore - and for the rest of my life he will be gone, he wont meet my children... he wont be at my wedding. He wont be here. Hes not here and hes never coming back.
I will always have my memories and my image of my dad in my head and in my heart - but its not enough!
Sometimes I feel like I could have made him happy, I could have helped him...... I should have done more. He was always looking after me and nobody looked after him. He was all alone when it happened. And that kills me.
The one thing that keeps me at peace - is the fact that he knew I loved him. I made it very very clear at how much I loved him..... I told him all the time... Even when he was angry at me for doing something silly or 'irresponsible'...... I'd tell him I loved him and he would smile... and it would be fine.
I just hope hes watching and I hope he knows how I felt and feel.