It's hopeless

I’ve had every treatment going and I seem to be OK sometimes but then 1 incident will tip me into the abyss of depression and self-pity.

I just wanted to say here that for me it’s all a waste of time. I have to accept that I am an unpleasant person who deserves what I get.

As I type this I think of the techniques I’ve been taught (like CBT) to counter my thought patterns but I can’t do it. I just can’t be bothered to do anything.

I’m supposed to be at work but when I got there I realised I’d forgotten my security pass and keys so I’ve had to come all the way back home. I had a tantrum, shouting and smashing my fist repeatedly into my car window.

This is how I really am rather than the persona I display to others. I really am a waste of space, oxygen and life.

No-one needs to reply – there’s nothing you can say or do that will make any difference. I wanted to post this to let others with a similar situation know that there is no solution – you’re stuck with it until you have the courage to kill yourself or you die anyway.

16 Replies

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  • First, to anyone who reads this post and is affected by it, know that there are solutions and people do recover and feel healthy again. I can testify to that. Stomps, I won't as an admin stop you voicing your opinion about your own situation, but please be careful what you suggest to others.

    Everyone reacts to depression differently. Some people recover to more or less normal, others have to apply those techniques you're thinking of every day. I'd say I'm nearer the former but I still have to use them sometimes. It won't always be a steady progression, sometimes you'll slip - doesn't mean the treatment doesn't work, it just means you've had a bad day, like we all do on the jagged road to eventually coping with what we have.

    Nobody is entirely good or bad, it's just the depression convincing you of that and making you punish yourself. Everyone forgets their security pass sometimes, I've done it more than I care to remember.

  • Hello stomps

    Let me explain, this will show there are many bloggers on this site that have been through the negative feelings you explain above. Personally I have suffered depression for most of my life and have even tried to commit suicide. Believe me you do not want to go there, you will find that those who love you will not be understanding, most of their time will end up asking, why did you do what you did and they will ask themselves and you if you fail. Many will feel you are an attention seeker inconsiderate, the list goes on even feelings of family will ask themselves what if I did this or that, they will blame themselves and this feeling will last the full period of your life.

    The NHS will treat you, you will e introduced to a Crisis Team if you fail and believe me the hospital A and E will fight to keep you alive and they do not allow for niceities the treatments are painful and unpleasant.

    When they get you sorted their is no sympathy, understanding a very flustered doctor will ask questions of you, they are generally the same for all and that will now pass down the line too your GP and mental health staff.

    Your feelings are basically the same as most depressives, I have been suffering from it since my teen and now I am sixty five this year. My condition now is Chronic Pain and I have had that now for thirty years.

    Yes I feel a waste of time, yes I feel always sleepy with the meds and have to sit out most of the chores that my wife has to do because of my condition. That of course does not stop me having a full life where I am able to adjust to both conditions. I have had to move out of a family home and now I live in a bungalow that has been adapted for me. Now I live in the countryside where I sit and bird watch from my living room and doing that I am living a life that is full and interesting. The property has been adapted for my disability.

    We have a Collie who is brighter than me, and a wife who now watches me like a Hawk and hides my medications so I will not try to kill myself again. She cannot trust me to look after that part of my life and still resents my selfish decision to try and take my life, I still try and make amends and she blames herself for my attempt of suicide.

    All I can say is learn to live with your complaint, many sufferers will eventually be cured after taking medications that will increase a chemical imbalance to the brain. Look at a future life that can be had even when we have a problem like depression.

    You are not alone here so try a positive attitude and get a course of treatment from your GP you never know at this time what the future brings

    Good Luck

    BOB

  • Hi Stomps I have to agree with ThemysciraDrive we are all different. We all have bad days too and it doesn't mean you are an unpleasant person who gets what they deserve. You can be if you choose to be but hopefully now by coming on this site you have taken steps to understand and feel better about yourself.

    All of us here understand how you are feeling and we all know about depression and I for one have no intention of killing myself - well for the foreseeable future anyway.

    If you can give us some more information about yourself we will do our best to try and support and help you. We can at least emphasise and let you know you are not alone. This is a very friendly and caring site and we all help each other. x

  • Hi Stomps you are feeling bad and angry at yourself right now. Please don't judge

    Yourself so harshly, we have all felt that ' straw that breaks the camels back' moment.

    I have but you get over it and live to fight another day.

    Stomps don't write yourself off over one incident, there is no magic pill

    For Depression and it takes work to keep well. There are solutions and I

    For one don't intend to die yet.

    Why not stick around for a bit of support on the Forum, it's a lifeline.

    Hannah

  • Thanks to everyone for your replies and apologies if my words have offended anyone and breeched the etiquette of the forum. I will quite happily “go away” if I am upsetting people. Please let me know.

    I have had a lifetime of anger management problems which in more recent times has also manifested as “depression” –whatever that is. I have stood on the bridge parapet several times but have never jumped. I don’t know if this is due to lack of courage or an inner feeling that, maybe, life is worth it or a mixture of both.

    My failure to control my anger was “manageable” earlier in my career even if not pleasant for people who came into contact with me. I am 54, have a degree in engineering and have worked for the same multinational company for 31 years and have progressed to a management position, believe it or not. On the face of it, I am a big success. However, in more recent years, my anger/depression has jeopardised my career and I was very close to getting sacked a few years ago for verbally abusing 2 HR professionals – not a wise choice on my part as they threw the book at me and it was only my long term relationship with a senior director that saved me. That wasn’t the only anger incident at work though by a long chalk and my whole life in and out of work is littered with them.

    A lot of people think I’m a great guy. They think I’m a normal, fully-functioning member of society. I am sociable, witty, articulate and good fun to be with – but that’s all an act. There is an inner anger which when it gets bad leads me to despise and resent all things and all people. I also feel that nothing is worth it and I adopt a couldn’t-care-less, confrontational attitude. My wife knows what I’m really like and resents me for presenting a “false” persona in public and the real, nasty me in private. The nasty me only comes out in public when anger strips the false front away.

    The company provided me with a short course of CBT as did the NHS but, as with all these things, you are limited to a specific number of consultations “cured” or not - due to budget restrictions. I did however manage to get referred for psychodynamic therapy which was useful in as much as I managed to pinpoint some of my problems to things that happened when I was a child that never got resolved. However, I am basically too lazy or incapable of applying techniques that may resolve my issues so I gave up the therapy in July 2014.

    I have periods of stability but then something relatively trivial will tip me. Things that to any normal person would appear to be pathetic will do this. This current episode is a case in point. I do amateur dramatics and I’m appearing in a panto. A local paper issued a review yesterday and all the main actors were mentioned except me so I have concluded that they didn’t mention me because they think my performance didn’t merit a mention. And that’s all it takes. I have been going on about it ever since – peeing off the rest of the cast with my histrionics, telling them that they can put a cardboard cut-out on stage tonight for a more effective performance. See what I mean. It IS pathetic, attention seeking nonsense and I should “move on”, “pull myself together” or “grow up”. But I can’t. It eats away at me. And now I’m annoyed with myself for getting annoyed and so it goes on.

  • I think you've had a lot in your life that has affected you in some way, and i think that because you haven't really had the help and support that you need (until now albeit minor that it is) everything has just built up like a game of jengo and every little slip big or small, minor or major is just another pull of the jengo pieces before it all falls down. And I think that you need to address the problems that occurred in your childhood. I mean, I have crappy home life and although I've always known that it was difficult it is only now that I can say that its not healthy for me to be here, its the root of my depression and I need some support to help me make choices that will allow me to get out and build a defence against it. I think putting on a mask is a problem. You pretend that everything is all okay, and then show another side of you that puts distance between yourself and those who could (at least) support you. You need to actually sit down and write/talk about everything. Why you feel like this. What has happened etc. Even if it is a minor thing, you have to. Your anger is boiling over into your hurt and causing you to feel like this since it seems to be that you just don't know how to react.

    As for the panto. What are you starring in and what role? It is sometimes only the few (main) character roles that are mentioned as they are the main ones like Snow White that are mentioned. Its not a distinct "Your role was not worth mentioning because it was so bad" its just one of these things that journalists do to highlight the more familiar roles. It DOES sound like you focus on something even if it is very minor offence and mull away at it for as long as possible until it eats into your soul.

    I think that it would be prudent to go to the doctor and talk about all of this. I think that there are better strategies that could be given to you, better help that can be longer term and better rewarded. It isn't about laziness or the lack of ability. Most time pyschologists will give you strategies that have worked for others, its quite set really but they may not work for you. And so you have to find one who has the experience to be able to devise a series of stratagies that may help you in the short and long term. it isn't an easy thing to do. You do have to try the strategies. They may not work just like that but if it is possible and it works after a while, it can work. My pyschologist help has been quite mixed. The good strategies I have been do help though, even if it is only a little.

    If that makes sense? i'm sorry if that is offensive or too blunt.

    Best wishes.

  • Hi And welcome . They say that Depression can be anger that's turned

    Inwards. You seem to have done a lot already to help yourself,

    But it's obviously not enough. When we are Depressed we can

    Be ultra sensitive and take everything personally.

    I know too that anger can be helped by lots of physical excercise,

    Like a tough game of squash or anything that you enjoy, you might

    Work off that energy.

    It's great that you came on here and that's a good step, you

    Know yourself that the personal consequences of anger can

    Be high in terms of Divorce, losing your job etc, so you need to

    Address it. Also it's very bad for your health and can cause blood

    Pressure and everything awful.

    Maybe your Meds need to be changed, Talk to your GP about

    It and be really honest with him. That's the only way to get help.

    I know all this might seem silly to you and it's just my thoughts,

    Purple Octupus has put a very good Post for you . People on

    Here care about each other so do give us a chance and see how

    It goes.

    It does sound like Psychotherapy may be the route for you , but that

    Not a quick fix, and you need to address this before you do something

    That you might regret.

    I can understand being annoyed at the write up in the paper,

    If everyone got a mention except me, I would be mad as hell, that's

    Natural. We get over these things but they hurt at the time.

    Hannah

  • I can relate to the anger stuff (such as you've displayed re your show) and to be honest I can see how people would think you're being a bit ridiculous. In episodes where I've had tantrums or gone off at someone (which I did round about September in a road-rage incident) I thought I probably would deride myself if I was watching from afar. I'm 40 now and hearing from someone in their 50s that feels that internal rage and temper helps me to feel I'm not alone. Stomps I would really recommend Anger Management therapy if you haven't already tried. I did it with MIND recently and it helped. They will talk about emotional states of being and where the anger sits in the 'parent/adult/child' sphere. It sounds a bit 'wooly' but it isn't. It might help you recognise where your responses are coming from. I know where my anger came from - for example the guy I took the rage out on was in all fairness being a total dick, but my explosion of anger was excessive and comes from anger I felt at being lied to and psychologically abused by someone.

    You owe it to yourself and those around you to at least try this. You've got a senior position, you must be on good money and you should be enjoying your life. Companies may be a little better at recognising mental health issues, but there's only so much they're going to put up with from you. Don't throw that all away.

  • I have tango'ed with this dark path for a long time. I will admit to self harming but I don't have the balls to actually kill myself. I have thought about it, and the many ways to go about it but that's as far as I can get. It is hard to think of ways as to why I can't just end it. That way I won't be such a bane in my mother's life and I won't be feeling so out of place in the world. Struggling to fit in and worrying all the time and yes, sometimes feeling like a waste of oxygen. A waste of space and life. BUT then as I think about just ending it all. I can't. As pathetic as it may sound to some, I have two cats and a sister who I KNOW would be so upset if I acted like this...especially one little cat who I didn't want to get too close to after losing one who was the best (and for a long time) the only friend I had. Didn't want to go down that path and become the wreck that I still am. But somehow and some point I have gotten at this stage again. So in a way, as silly as it may sound, I have a few reasons to keep some light in the darkness. An achor against any storms that hit. Even though there are times when I don't always think that, deep down I know that that is the reason.

    I have been put on a variety of meds that have had some effect. Although most of the time, I'm taken off them to find a better fit that hasn't actually taken place yet. Yet somehow I'm still surviving, even though on the bad days, and I've been having a lot of them in the last month and half I feel like I can't handle it. Not emotionally strong enough to deal with it. That I deserve it all since I am an awful person. I have seen a variety of pyschologists who always brush on the topic of depression but don't always do much aside from prescribing or giving me some strategies that just don't work for me although I do try my best to make them work.

    When you have that one little slip, everything else comes crumbling down. Any happiness and build up of achievements, big and small are blown away because of that slip and you find yourself wondering what is the point. Everything would work out again if you just died BUT it wont. The amount of time I have spent cutting myself leaves scars, reminders of what happened. I have several on the upper of my legs were I carved into my flesh because I was so sick with grief. And now I have to hide them. To die, its final. Like self harming. I will NEVER be able to get rid of those scars that criss cross on what used to be smooth skin, and now I face the ripple effect of those actions whenever I dont cover them properly. My sister is pissed and upset that I would do that. And thats only from self harming. killing myself would just lead to further effects on the people left behind.

    And although it is difficult. I try to take any distraction, any joy that can come around. I take a day at a time. Even if that day is a bad day, I always have the hope that the next day will be better. Today will be better. And although that may not turn out well. I DO try to find at least 1 good thing out of the day even if it is very trivial like I got out of bed e.g. Even if it does mean settling down with a good book,going for a walk and observing the little farm cats roaming around or blowing up zombies on the xbox. They are really minor things but i have struggled most of my life with depression, and I'm not yet 25 and I do want to reach every milestone. And Its good that I've found this site so I can at least, day or night, at work or not can have the assurance that I can type anything on here and have people around me who understand that depression isn'tjust being self pitying or an eeyore -- as my parents believe.

    All I can say is that there are times when the depression will keep a firm grey grip on you and you feel so hopeless and just want it all to end but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Even though you struggle to see it, and believe me I get there quite a lot, but there is always hope. You forgot your pass key and keys, so what? You laugh about it because it is so cliche -- lots of people do this. Don't let that push you down (and I don't mean that in a cruel way or dismissing your problems, but i think when it helps the most is to laugh when it is something like that.) Also, you may not think that this is a good step but ...you did come on this forum to actively post. I think that is a good step. I hope that you can see your doctor to get some more help but also use this site. Even if you don't have support from family or friends, you can have support from using a site like this.

    I apologise if anything I have said causes upset or offence. I was writing from my own heart, and I have not been in a good place lately.

    Best wishes.

  • Thanks folks. OK – a bit more information about me.

    I have analysed all my problems before in some detail during psychodynamic therapy. It relates to my dad laughing at me when I was upset as a child when I really wanted to be comforted, to him squirting washing up liquid in my mouth when I swore, to my parents never telling me I had done well at anything, to my mum leaving us when I was 11. To that point, I had believed that I had a bad temper because it was genetic – there was absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent it but the (misquoted) adage is: “Give me a child until he is eight and I will give you the depressive with anger management problems.”

    Everyone puts on a false face in public – if you don’t, people probably won’t like you. I don’t care who you are. Everyone does it. If I go to tonight’s performance and present myself to the cast as I really feel, how’s that going to go down? I could potentially completely ruin the show. So I won’t do that. I’ll pretend everything’s OK for the sake of the panto. That’s how life is. Pretence after pretence. Deceit after deceit.

    I read on a website recently that someone had decided to tell the full truth at all times. It cost him his job and his marriage.

    If you really want to know, I’m starring in Snow White as Snow White’s father. I’m playing one of the main characters.

    I’m not going to go to the GP. I’ve been there and done that. There is nothing more they can do for me. I asked about medication and was told that the medication I would need to take to control this would mean I would be unable to function at any meaningful level ie I wouldn’t be able to work and wouldn’t be able to continue as a normal member of society. I have taken anti-depressants in the past (Citalopram) (or Toys Out The Pram as I used to call it) but gave them up after a rage. I have self-harmed many times. Not like The Purple Octopus though – biting the fleshy parts of my hand, smashing my head, slamming my fists into walls etc. I have also smashed up many things like a PC, PC monitors, walls, doors, bikes. And then afterwards I have to fix what I’ve broken sometimes at great expense – bloody ridiculous behaviour, isn’t it?

    I understand the cognitive technique of considering alternative explanations for things like The Purple Octopus tried to do regarding the reviewer of the panto but I am just kidding myself and that doesn’t work for me when I know he didn’t mention me because he had nothing good to say about me. In this case, I can’t pretend.

    I do already feel calmer now. That’s probably just down to the passage of time as the bad chemicals in my head dissipate but it has probably also been aided by reading what you guys have written and by giving me the chance to write my diatribes as well. Thanks for that.

  • Hello Stomps

    Your life is similar to mine I was an Engineer planner, costing engineer, I was medically retired in 88 as i suffer chronic pain and had a family and siblings that would make the Adams Family look like angels.

    My condition now over twenty years on has been a trail and I have now started a new life for my retirement and I live in an adapted cottage for my disability. My family members have no idea where we have gone, it is a new start,

    My disability was made worse by people who had no understanding of my conditions and now I prefer to continue my life with people who do not know my past.

    All I can say to you is look at your life and if you feel like an ogre believe me you are not that is your condition talking and you can put hand on heart and say to yourself you are most probably oversensitive and that is the reason you loose your temper as depression seems to bring out the self destruction that lingers so close to the surface when we are suffering.

    One of the main things that seem to rest on the surface is, what if, do not care, I will show them comes to mind, hence the feelings of suicide, we also feel we are not worthy of anyone feelings or interest. We all seem to follow a similar pathway to differing feelings that generally follow a well worn route and understanding that should eventually make you strong. Strange to say the dreaded family feeling also come to the for and all this is a real toxic mix that we have to get our head around and file away under the title CRAP, remember we do not choose our families and if we did that would be the the only way I would only consider some way out, All I would also consider if a change to live pathway would be an idea, although I understand you are in your fifties and at that age many have their pathway marked out and future pension thought are beginning to come to the surface

    One further thing depression seems to do with us is self pity, this can be a wrong pathway and we need to realize that most of the population have issues about themselves and do not sleep well and will never feel comfortable in their skin.

    Whether you agree with me or not, you would really get a load out of this site and the people are really nice, they are a comfort and steadying influence for us all, as we all need some sort of support and realize we are more normal than what we think.

    Personally I would however recommend you to go back to your GP and have some further treatment, Many people will take medications for a period of time and then carry on with their lives,.

    The support here will give you all the assistance you need

    All the best

    BOB

  • Stomps a lot of us had dysfunctional childhoods which I agree can cause depression but we are often not 'angy' people so why are you so angry? Do you know? is it frustration at not getting your own way? The feeling that no one understands you?

    I don't believe anger is genetic while agreeing that you can have a leaning towards it depending on your personality type but it is not inevitable. Could it be learned behaviour ie nurture rather than nature? I think the way to go for you is anger management therapy rather than depression and if you could learn to control your anger it would help your depression no end.

  • Hello again. Today is a better day. I feel OK again now. And that’s how it seems to be with me.

    But I have just looked through the programme for the panto for the first time today (as it's Saturday and I have time) and there is a 2 page spread of rehearsal photos. Every single member of the cast has at least one photo included except for one – guess who? Yep – yours truly. Today that isn’t going to tip me into the pit of self-pity and depression again. I just feel p@ssed off and angry. How insensitive is that? I would never do that to anyone – it’s rude. May be I wasn’t there when the photos were taken. If it had been me compiling those photos I would have checked that everyone is included and if not I would have got a photo somehow. Am I the only person who is capable of this sort of thinking then?

    Well the message is that they see me as an outsider of the group so fine. I feel like an outsider anyway. And if they want me to be in another performance well they can stuff it.

    In response to questions about anger management. Well I have been to sessions on that and analysed angry situations using CBT and it has helped…… to a degree. But my biggest problem with my anger is that I go from calm to “red mist” in a nano-second so there is no time to do the stuff that is advised like sensing how you feel, considering alternative explanations for the situation, analysing the “hot thought”. You can’t do in a nano-second. The kettle boils instantly. That’s one of my problems.

    Yes, I think the anger is about attention seeking and it’s about getting my own way. It’s also about giving me the energy to handle my anxiety – an energy I don’t have if I’m calm. That “I don’t give a sh@t” feeling – I don’t care about consequences when I’m angry.

    Having said all that I will look again at another session of anger management (maybe though MIND as suggested).

    Thanks for all your support.

  • Stomps

    If I was to ask you, ??.

    What would make you happy, calm, and relaxed in your own skin is there anything that would change the pathway you are now on ??

    Do you have a family of your own, a wife to wait for you when you return from work and children that are waiting to see you before bed ?

    Personally I am married, no children. I get more sense out of my Collie. !!

    If not married what are the dynamics of your life. Are your interests part of you ??

    My interests are Organisations within the NHS, a large garden and a dog that can walk for miles given half the chance ! Hazel, my wife looks after Pax for His walks as my disabilities prevent me from long walks.

    We all need to feel whole in life and loves, understand what may be an interest for you may be a pain for me that is part of live and we all have interests that shake our tree.

    All is part of life we need to be able to understand and accept other peoples point of view.?

    BOB

  • Bob,

    I’ve got to go for the Saturday matinee of the panto now so I will reply to your questions later – probably tomorrow.

    Cheers

  • OK – the panto is finished and we have struck the set ie taken it down so that’s done and dusted now. All memories.

    After the show, the mother of the girl who played Snow White told me that her daughter had said that I made her feel at ease more than any other cast members. That was a nice thing to say. I am trying to use that to feel more positive. I do get on well with kids even though I’ve never had any myself. May be that’s why I get on well with them – I don’t talk to them like they are kids – I talk to them like they are just another human being.

    In response to your questions, Bob.

    What would make me happy, calm, and relaxed in my own skin? I don’t honestly know. Probably to be all the things I’m not. I look in the mirror (when I have to) and see an old git – bald with glasses and bad hearing. I know you’ll come back and say something like you have to learn to love yourself before you can be at peace. I’ve heard it all before. I have tried this – I just can’t do it.

    Is there anything that would change the pathway I am now on? I could retire but my wife has just handed her notice in and she has 2 horses which are very expensive so I don’t see any prospect of retiring soon if we want to maintain our current standard of living. I am a keen skier and that’s expensive as well.

    You see, I appear on the face of it to have everything I need to be happy. I think maybe I have lived too long now. Everything is the same old, same old. Just waiting to die. That’s why nothing seems to excite me. I’m off skiing next week and I can’t even get excited about that.

    You will have deduced answers to other question from the above re my family situation. I have been married for 25 years, no kids. My wife’s a vet.

    We have 3 cats which tend to end up being brought home by my wife as so many people are too irresponsible to get their pets neutered. She has to put down perfectly healthy animals because people are unreasonable and stupid. I love cats. Especially Stompy (that's where my name on this site comes from) who was born completely blind and must have got his tail caught before we got him as it has snapped off and he just has a stump or “Stomp” as I call it. His sister has also come to live with us. She is a normal, healthy cat and must have looked after Stompy when they were fending for themselves as kittens. They don’t get on too well now though. The third cat is very old but as she has her own live-in surgeon she continues to battle on. She’ll probably outlive me!

    Are my interests part of me? I only started acting 5 years ago but i may have had enough now. I don't know. Last year I could have taken voluntary severance with a lump sum payment of 1.5 times my annual salary but declined it in favour of taking a lower grade job but maintaining my pension options (which is a rare final salary scheme). I chose this course of action so that I would still be able to do my acting (and skiing). If I had left the company, I would still have had to continue work and felt that may have jeopardised my interests outside of work. I only work so i can do the things I do outside work – not the other way round but noting that I don’t like doing those at the moment.

    Apart from the acting and skiing, I am a Science, Technology, Engineering and Maths (STEM) ambassador which involves getting children interested in STEM subjects as I feel strongly that we need to urgently address the engineer shortage that we have nationally. This is due to a number of reasons but one of the main ones is that most people have not got a clue what engineering is. Most people think that it’s a bloke in a boiler suit with oil on his face and dirt under his fingernails. Even my old gran asked me to have a look at her car engine because I’d told her I was studying chemical engineering at university. It meant nothing to her and probably won’t mean anything to most people who read this. So the most talented kids (especially girls) who are good at science go into medicine or veterinary science or one of the other biological disciplines. They don’t choose engineering. I am trying to encourage our existing female engineers to talk to girls and enthuse them about engineering. If I do it, it has far less impact as girls can’t relate to me as a role model.

    I went to weekly meetings of my local Depression Club for months a few years back. I realised there that my problems are insignificant compare to many who are struggling just to function. In the end, I lost my temper with them, told them they weren’t helping me and they were making being depressed into a hobby.

    To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m even bothering to write this. Just to get it off my chest, I think. You have to accept that there are some people who just can’t be helped and I‘m one of those.

    Accepting other people’s points of view is fine as long as I think it’s reasonable. I struggle to accept other point of views that are ill-informed. Most people seem to chose a life of blissful ignornace if they can.

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