I am 21 years old and I don't remember the last time I was happy. I am close to my family and have one good friend but apart from that I find it hard to be around people. I have been unemployed for 3 years (never actually had a proper job) and I'm finding it really hard to find a job. I spend a lot of time in my room because I feel safe there. I went on two work experience placements last year and the first one I was in the front office. Every time somebody walked through the door I panicked and I was too scared to answer the phone. I was bullied through my whole school life and have always found it hard to make friends. I look at other people my age and wish that I had what they had. The jealousy and hate that I have towards people scares me sometimes. I have never been in a relationship. I went on a couple of dates but if they tried to touch me in any way, even on the hand, I panicked so I hate being touched. I find it hard to keep eye contact with people. I can't sleep and when I do I have a lot of bad dreams and when I'm trying to fall asleep I keep thinking about different childhood memories and think about things that depress me. I can't help it. I am a smoker and now I smoke about 30 cigarettes a day because it's the only thing that relaxes me.
I'm worried that I have a mental illness because for the last 5 years I have been unemployed and only managed to keep one friend and I feel like it's never going to change.
I've been to my doctor's surgery a couple of times the last couple of years but they've done nothing to help. I want to go back but I'm worried because I'm worried that they will think I'm wasting their time.