Feeling so down!

Happy New Year folks before i depress you all further. I had been feeling okay for a while there but i can feel myself slipping big time. I have totally lost my lust for life. The only thing keeping me motivated is my kids. My fiance broke up from work on the 20th dec and has done nothing in the house since then. I dont think i can deal with his laziness. It may seem trivial to anyone but my house and housework bring me great anxiety. He is currently on the x box one whilst i sit myself. Fab hogmanay! I feel that i do everything in regards to the kids and the house and that anything i ask him to do is a chore. Even a run to the tip today resulted in an argument. X

26 Replies

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  • Hello BOB here

    Sorry I cannot give you any real advice,many couples will split the workload up over the Christmas Period, even if it is only helping with the dishes or preparing vegetables. I am a poor example as I am medically disabled and I generally help in the kitchen preparing food or working in the garden.

    One problem may be causing problems He may feel is that all He wants to do is relax, this is no consolation to you and if He refuses to help try and bring your concerns to the surface by refusing to prepare his meals.

    Does he not want to play with the kids if He has the x Box it is a good chance to get to know his family.

    We live on the Scottish Border and generally I try to be available as this time of year is more important than Christmas here and company may call tonight or tomorrow morning as we see the New Year in then go to bed

    Try and arrange something you all can do together it is a good time of the year to be with each other and the kids, that can be very valuable.

    You can always say if He asks for something, tell him to get it himself.

    BOB

  • Hello BOB here

    Sorry I cannot give you any real advice,many couples will split the workload up over the Christmas Period, even if it is only helping with the dishes or preparing vegetables. I am a poor example as I am medically disabled and I generally help in the kitchen preparing food or working in the garden.

    One problem may be causing problems He may feel is that all He wants to do is relax, this is no consolation to you and if He refuses to help try and bring your concerns to the surface by refusing to prepare his meals.

    Does he not want to play with the kids if He has the x Box it is a good chance to get to know his family.

    We live on the Scottish Border and generally I try to be available as this time of year is more important than Christmas here and company may call tonight or tomorrow morning as we see the New Year in then go to bed

    Try and arrange something you all can do together it is a good time of the year to be with each other and the kids, that can be very valuable.

    You can always say if He asks for something, tell him to get it himself.

    BOB

  • How is it divided up your relationship? Does he bring in the money, the only reason I ask is because if he makes the money he may feel your unpaid job is to do all the housework. I think there are a number of men who work that way. Which is ridiculous especially when you have to raise children too! Maybe his mum did all the housework when he was little, people have funny ideas?!

    I don't know if you can still find it but try, there was a series on radio 4 extra (a series of Woman's Hour) about partners not doing the housework and some women came up with good ideas to get there men folk on the job (sorry guys if its the other way round in your house).

    One I particularly loved was a woman who was working and doing the housework (no kids though) and the husband worked. She did a chart to show how little housework he did week on week and challenged him to do half as much as she did. Of course most men love a challenge and he agreed. If he couldn't keep the schedule over a fortnight he would pay for a cleaner to do all the work. So they played the game, of course he didnt keep up...lol.

    So she said rather than pay a cleaner £20 an hour pay me, so now she does the housework but gets paid a wage for doing it and it makes her happy (because she said no cleaner would do such a good job as her anway...lol). And he values her work more!

    Anyway this isn't really about cleaning is it, its about being made to feel like you are being taken for granted and Im sorry you feel that way, it's hard.

    I don't have the answers Im sorry but you might get some out of the box ideas on something like Net Mums, no one seems to mess with them!

    You can sort this out because it's been done before, but you need to workout how, how to motivate him so he helps you more (you shouldn't have to but the pay off would be good wouldn't it).

    Try and put yourself first and take care of yourself, thats the most you can do and maybe give a little less.

    Remember tonight is just another night, New Year is a made up day, doesn't really matter, what matters is you've worked out what you don't want, now you just have to workout what you do want, how you want things to be next year. Everything even the clothes you wear started out as an idea in someones head.

    Maybe just maybe this is your year for making small changes that lead to big changes and a better life.

    Maybe you could go off and have a long bath and read a book and shut him out of your head for an hour and relax.

    BIG KISS and I am very verry sorry you feel so stressed. XX

  • Thank you for the replies both of you. Very kind. When he is working i dont expect him to do much in the house at all. I am on maternity leave, due back to work in feb. He believes that i should be doing everything. Okay, maybe so but what about when hes on holiday and lazes about doing nothing. Wish i could do that. I am constantly running rings around myself and he never thinks to lessen the load. Add on the fact that i have depression and anxiety and its game over! On days that i can't motivate myself to do much i then get chastised for not keeping on top of things so why should he clear and tidy up what i havent done. i just worry for the future. How i am feeling the now is that if he wasnt here my life would be exactly the same. So yep its not down to housework at all. I am scared to ask him to do anything anyway as it always results in an argument. Am i being unreasonable? I often think is it depression clouding my thoughts and not letting me view things how other people do? I get blamed for so much. My mood, grieving over my mum are all used as to why there are problems. And if these problems keep arising and there is no solution, what do i do? X

  • Hello Les

    If you want me to be blunt, you are expecting another of His Brood, it is something for both parties to look forward to. If the new addition is arriving Feb? tell him to start helping you in the home, or you will stop doing the things He expects that gives him the right to sit on His Duff and watch you run around like a blue nosed fly

    Happy New Year

    BOB

  • Yep! That's men for you! They just can't be bothered with anything. It takes them all their effort just to get up for work. Men are disappointing really. The movies are full of total crap. When do men ever make an effort or even fight for the girl?

    Sorry if this depresses you further but I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I think we are better off just not trying at all. Because then we won't get our efforts thrown back at us. And they can feel free to live alone which is what they prefer anyways and live in their own filth. It seems to be what men prefer nowadays. Obviously I'm feeling pretty bitter about relationships and I'm so angry about the way I have always been treated. I don't want to be alone but I really don't think I have a choice. Feel like I'm not willing to "adopt" a man and look after him. Although these thoughts seem bitter, they are the truth. I see it now more than ever after my recent break up.

    I hope today will be better for you. Maybe you can have a nice family day if he gets himself off the computer :) xx

  • Hi WTC I think your reply is sexist, you cannot write off or berate

    All men. It's not fair and I don't like or agree with one word of your

    Post.

    You could just as easily say that about women too, it's childish and

    Not helpful I'm sure to Les.

    Think of all the caring kind and helpful men who Post here, Bob, David. James or Pete or any men

    Who Post here, I do t think it's fair to write men off and unfair that

    Men should feel slated and slagged off.

    Hannah

  • She's in pain Hannah that's why she posted what she did.

    Speaking for myself, I mean well but sometimes I'm a selfish jerk. I have hurt women in the past. Not physically but emotionally, which can be worse as the scars & pain last a lot longer. I'm not proud of myself & feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Just because I post some things on here to try to help others, doesn't make me a good or kind person. I'm not. I am exactly the man she described.

    James

  • Hi James

    Thanks for that. We are none of us perfect for sure. We are

    Just trying to do our best. But I still think it's better not to put

    All men or all women down.

    Hannah x

  • I'm only going on my own experience Hannah. This is how I feel. To be honest, you're post to this just made me feel worse. But how the hell can I be in the wrong? I know exactly how Les is feeling. I was the one to do all the cleaning in the flat because he even admitted he was too lazy to do anything. And yes, I was being harsh on the male gender but why shouldn't I be?

    Every man I've either dated for a short while, cared for or even loved all broke promises they made to me. I'm struggling to think if there was a single promise that any of them ever kept... They have lied, stood me up, stolen from me and broken my heart. Every time I try this is exactly what happens. I think the reality is hitting me now. Now that I'm assessing how the situation has impacted me instead of just worrying about how he is, I'm realising how hurt I am. The last twice I was terrified of getting hurt and they both promised they wouldn't hurt me. The most recent decided he couldn't be in a relationship and I had to move out and the previous stole from me and stood me up when he was supposed to return other money I'd lent him. My trust has been betrayed every time and I'm tired.

    I'm not saying there aren't horrible women out there. Of course there are! And they are treating some nice guys like crap. But what about me? I'm nice and considerate and caring and giving and I just get crapped all over. Out of the men I dated not one of them turned out to be all that nice in the end. I'm not saying I sleep around because I certainly don't but I have dated several times and I've been in love twice and infatuated once when I was younger. The second the relationship got hard they walked away. They just wanted it to be fun and easy and didn't want any kind of pressure put on them like actually showing up for a date on time.

    Sorry if it seems sexist. But when I finally meet a guy who treats me right after being together for a year and can actually say he loves me and truly means it, then I will believe that a man can be good in a relationship. But until then I can only go on my experience.

    This website is for people to write and seek support when they need it. It is my situation that is depressing me right now. I had what I wanted. And I lost it because the guy decided he didn't want me, after promising he wouldn't hurt or leave me. You've told me off a couple of times in posts and you can be quite harsh. Unless you are employed to supervise the site, then it is up to the original poster themselves to let me know my post wasn't helpful.

  • I'm sorry to hear about your hurts. I think you have every right to highlight them. I can understand how you feel. To have some guy promise you, reassure you and then when you ask them to do something, to show you some sort of attention that is not about the physical gratification you can receive from a relationship, they find excuses and bolt to the nearest *** that they can repeat the same process to. I know that there are good people out there but when you are feeling so low and it happens so often, you don't see it. I have lack of support from my parents. the way i am treated at home does not help with my self esteem, and i guess i project that onto what i look for in guys so that i am then going through a similiar process of having my trust abused. and what these men have done to you, and what your fiance is doing to you Les82 is abuse. to make you give everything and take it all without allowing you to have anything in return, to give anything back to you shows such selfishness. with the guy that i was seeing...i dont think it can count as seeing since all he wanted to do was sex despite me asking for things like cinema or meetings for just a coffee. now, i feel only anger towards him.. the hope that if he does this to someone else, that he learns the lesson. or if someone does this to his sister, then i hope that he sees how it can affect someone.

    i guess for Les82. the question would be is it worth being with someone who treats you like this? to make you feel like this? would you want your child(ren) to grow up and see you be treated like this? you aren't his slave.

    i apologise if this message is offensive. i am feeling very upset and down myself.

  • Nah it isn't offensive. I come across as sexist so it can't offend me haha. No, I need to work on the way I tend to generalise. It isn't healthy and I shouldn't blame an entire gender for the way these guys have treated me. Even though my dad can be irritating, he has never let my mum down. Not once! I'd be lucky to have a man who is as faithful and loving as he is to my mum. My parents have been through incredibly hard times and I idolise their strength as a couple. What they've been through would break up most couples I reckon but they were made for each other so it only made them stronger. In a way my dad is setting standards that few men are able to achieve haha. I feel sometimes I am jealous of them which isn't nice. Mabe that's why I struggle to live with them. They are always together and they always have things to talk about. Although they have separate interests too they always spend evenings together and help each other out and it's clear they WANT to spend all this time together. My most recent ex didn't actually want to spend much time with me I think. He just wanted to retreat into his own head and he went out with me sometimes out of obligation. I used to try to motivate him and get him excited without much success.

    But anyways, I do feel bitter but need to work on it. I feel better when I'm at work so think the holidays got to me a bit. Looking forward to my normal routines.

    Are you upset over this guy or is it just in general?

  • I think you have misread things BOB. Our wee man was born in march. I just feel so lost the now. Is it possible to love someone but not be good for each other? My sex drive has decreased and he just brought it up there and said that it signifies problems. He then just got up to walk out and i asked where he was going. Hes away to his grans grave to speak to her. He has suicidal thoughts and this is what happened last time before he tried to jump off a bridge. I mentioned the sex thing before he left and i said if he wants it all the time he has a choice to make. He then walked out shouting 'don' t worry i'll get it from somewhere else no problem'. We cannot just have a convo without arguing. I am so down and i feel like i'm floundering when we argue as i now give up. My wee boy is 9 months and he wants me to get the house organised, find a full time job and give him sex frequently. Is it time to admit defeat? Please help x

  • WantToChange. I don't want my life to consist of running after a 39 year old man. I have two kids that are totally dependent on me, i dont need another one. Life is hard for most people but through in bouts of depression and its a recipe for disaster. I actually feel like everything is my fault and that i should let him go before i absolutely run him into the ground. X

  • Hi sorry my reply is so late. You can't be the failure here. It can't be your fault. A man should never sit back and let the woman do everything, especially when there is a young one involved. I could be wrong, perhaps he gives back in other ways? Perhaps he is a good father, perhaps he is there when you need him most?

    You have to remember that society has changed. Men went to work and women stayed home. But it's all messed up now. Also wages are more equal now than they've ever been, whereas before men had the better more skilled jobs. Things are out of balance. I'm not saying equality is a bad thing, but there certainly are drawbacks to it.

    Don't blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship work. Maybe sit him down and speak to him? Explain that you feel he is being selfish x

  • Hi Les and sorry your not great. I cannot remember any Post from

    You that did not bring up your partner and how he is not supportive

    Or understanding .

    I have a best friend who is a Psychiatrist in the USA , over the years I would

    Talk to him about stuff and especially when my marriage broke Down. Of course

    I didn't realise that I was always rehashing the same issues.

    One day we were talking and I was telling him my relationship woes

    As per usual, and he listened as usual but said

    " yes Hannah but what are You going to do about it". I nearly fell off

    The chair as this was my changing point as regards taking charge of my

    Life. I had forgotten as you do that Only I can change things, no one else.

    Les maybe this is the year that you will think about what YOU can do to

    Change things.

    Keep in touch.

    Hugs

    Hannah x

  • That is very true Hannah. Got a lot of decisions and choices to make x

  • Ditto for what Hannah said Les. I'm sorry to sound harsh but just look back over your posts and see the pattern. Four months ago you claimed the relationship was over; he keeps walking out. He tried to jump off a bridge?? You know what you need to do. You both have issues I would say but you are not helping each other.

    How much longer are you going to let this go on? What is keeping you there? Is it one of those relationships you feel you can't do without, where the connection is great when you have it? Is it low self esteem, or both? Probably neither of you are "bad" people but you are troubled and you both need to get your help individually. I seem to remember saying all this to you before. I wonder how many times you will have to go round and round in circles before you decide to act? It isn't selfish of you if you do as you will be helping BOTH of you. He is clearly troubled and probably does not know where to turn but yes what you said is true. It is definately possible to love someone and not be good for each other.

    Very upsetting when there's are bairns involved so please remember to not let this sort of fighting upset your children as they may end up being confused and blaming themselves too.

    Gemma X

  • Hi Gemma , Happy New Year to you and may it be a healthy, happy and

    Content one.

    Hannah xx

  • Hello Les

    Sorry I assumed,

    If you are having problems with your partner you should look at the way He pulls your chain, to understand that may in some way help you work out if He is playing you and using His condition to blackmail you when things become a problem, like wanting to jump of a bridge or going out to find sex when you would prefer not to perform. Sad I do not know how long you have been together although a relationship after a time becomes possibly less sexual and more for companionship. Many of us become comfortable when we ware this clothing and we accept the fact we need to make changes as the relationship develops and matures.

    One problem is after a time we start playing a game that can be destructive for both parties and then we start entering a world that one party plays the other this can be acceptable if no-one gets hurt, although it seems that you are getting hurt

    You really need to discuss all with your partner and get things settled to a more satisfactory condition for both of you as partnerships need to be both agreed by both parties as you have at least one person who needs you both.

    BOB

  • Thank you folks. I do love him and we were good friends for years before we got together. Maybe its not being able to imagine him not in my life. Also, as was said when we get on great it is super great but when it is bad it is horrid. I just feel at a loss as to how to cope with my own depression, let alone someone adding to it. It may just be my perspective on things the now as i feel terrible. I am no saint but surely reassurance and a cuddle is better than fighting me at every opportunity. I feel like an absolute leper x

  • I am with the others Les. When it is 'super great' is it on his terms? Or yours? He can't expect you to be ready for sex when you are so tired from running round after him and the children. It's past time he manned up and took on some responsibilties and you have to find a way otherwise you have another child to look after don't you?

    Tell him if he doesn't do his share then you will either have to cut your hours down at work, or hire a cleaner and get more takeaways. If he realises it will hit him in the pocket he might listen. Otherwise I wouldn't cook his meals, do his washing etc. If he complains tell him you have enough to do looking after the children and you are too tired to look after him as well! Tell him you are not his mother!

    I wish you luck love.

    Bev xx

  • He left last night to stay at his mums (shes on holiday and he has a key to her house). Havent heard from him but there was a post on his facebook saying 'New Year, Same S**t'. Theb obviously people askibg him whats up. My head is so mixed up. Even reading articles on living with a partner with depression to see if it is all my fault. He is so hard to live with too but i just feel that i am to blame for everything. He did nothing in the house at all yesterday. Just sat on the x box for hours and hours. Didnt even help with our son. He said he will be keeping out my way and wont be doing a single thing in the house and that he is consciously doing this. Surely he knows that this will fuel the fire? I am floundering as it is and i am still having to do everything myself. His mum did everything for him and his previous partners have too. That is not me, i believe in team work and sorting things together but i feel like a single person. His son is coming to stay tonight and no doubt he'll just sit in the room again with him. He said last night that he isnt leaving and that he will be here til the wee man is 16 and that if i ask him to leave i will ruin his life. He also told me that my ideal man is my ex and that he is giving me permission to get back with him. My daughter's dad is in the army and when he was here we both did our fair share of housework, financial wise etc. Is this the depression clouding my thinking or is this manipulation at its best? Help!!

  • So he says he isn't leaving until your son turns 16 and then he goes and stays at his mums? He then tells you your ex is your ideal man and to get back with him. He puts things on Facebook. I'm not surprised your head is mixed up I am confused with this game playing.

    Les, none of this makes sense. I know we are only hearing one side of the story but I've said this several times before you are in a seriously dysfunctional relationship. If you enjoy the drama and inconsistency then that is fine but you have children and you need to really think about what is best for all of you. It hasn't changed in all the time you have been posting and I'm being honest unless you both want it to change and follow through with the actions and behaviours to make it change, it won't. Better that you are happy single than unhappy in a dysfunctional relationship.

    I do feel for you as I know it isn't easy but do you honestly think things will get better?

    Take care of yourself and the kids,

    Sarah x

  • sounds like he's being manipulative. the lines of "no one will love you as much as i will" to "i will kill myself if you break up with me" is something that i've also had to deal with from one guy. its not a wonder that you're so confused. he is manipulative and mind control playing games. dump him before it gets worse. he isnt worth it.

  • He came in earlier and things r okay. Hes talking to me like he normally would. I just dont get it. I'm still feeling very down though. I have a lot of thinking to do. Thank you for all the advice, opinions and concern. X

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