Narcissistic parent

Hi

I just wondered if anyone had been affected by a narcissistic parent? I have suffered with anxiety on and off for many years. I finally have had the realisation....... my mother has been the root cause!!! It is only now as I am a fully grown adult that I have reached this conclusion. For many years I was subjected to situations whereby I would dare not to question or criticise my mother's actions. She controlled me.

I have taken the decision to break free from her and do not speak to her anymore but I wanted to share this latest correspondence from my birth mother.......

" Well done b****.....I see you have ensured we cannot have any contact with ***********.....or rather you are denying her right to have contact with us!

But dont worry I will get past you....maybe I will see you in court.

I will make sure she knows how you cut her off from everyone she loved.And by the way have you told ******* yet how many times you were married

It might give him a clue about how long he will last!

"You leave me with only one regret...that is I did not drown you at birth. What you have done to your dad and me shows what a heartless **** you turned into.

Rot in ****....I hate you."

I would value any feedback from anyone out there who can relate to this condition.

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17 Replies

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  • Hi I understand what you are saying and that is an awful email to be sent. You must be very upset and I don't blame you at all. I am not having a go but can you watch the swear words please. You can put .... to avoid saying them in full. I know you are just putting down what was said to you in an email but it is disrespectful to other members to use that kind of language on an online site. If you are going to amend them click on the recommend button at the bottom of your post then on edit. Alter then click edit response.

    Thank you. x

  • Hi there . Sorry but I can't offer any advice about narrcisstic parent, maybe someone

    Else will be online here later and will be able to talk to you.

    I would ask you not to use bad language in your Posts as I hate it. You can edit your

    Post to delete swear words.

    Hannah

  • I can see how much this would really upset someone, but I am concerned that the content of this post might offend people.

    It seems you have a lot of issues that need exploring. Have you tried counselling?

  • Sincere apologies to those who I may have offended. I should have realised before posting what I copied. It was an oversight. Thank you to those members for raising and guiding me how to edit.

  • We know that Oblivion so don't worry about it please. Thanks for amending it. The stress and pain you are feeling must be terrible for you and I do feel for you.

    Well done for making the break and managing your life away from your controlling mother. I left home at 18 to go to London to get away from mine. Because I lived away for around 22 years and only visited the family twice a year I could cope with her. When I eventually moved back to the area it was as an adult who was taking no s.... in life from anyone and I soon stopped her controlling me again. And do you know what? She respected me for it! Wow.... I had the opportunity to do the same with her when she was old and needed help and do you know what? I didn't do it to her because I knew better. We did actually have a much better relationship towards the end of her life which I am very grateful for. It laid old ghosts to rest and all that.

    If you have decided to cut her out of your life then fine. Block her emails, block her from ringing and texting you etc. And it helps if you are far enough away not to bump into her accidentally. Take care.

    Bev xx

  • Hello

    You are not alone, I have now managed to move on from my family and now none of them know where we live. In fact now I do not know if my Mother and her female brood are alive or dead. Sad that I have not been able to keep contact with other relatives, I was worried if my location slipped out as I have now sorted out a new life and have basically slit any conversations from them and their associated vitriol.

    Never be frightened to gut ties with nasty vindictive people, it is your life and you are entitled to live it in your own way and needs

  • Look up narcissists on youtube

  • HI, that's horrible.

    I haven't dealt with a narcissistic parent. But my mum can use the wrong words at times, and my dad has agreed with me. I am very sensitive when it comes to my parents and she can lead me to tears. It frustrates her that I don't understand her point etc and I just shut down when I hear the negative words or criticisms. I don't know. It is difficult right now. I often don't get along with them. It has been tough to move back in with them.

    But I do know how you feel, even if not the full extent of it. I don't know what I would do if I received an email like that from a loved one. But I do know you were right to get away from her. You can create new relationships and get over her xx

  • Mothers are supposed to love their children unconditionally and certainly to tell you that she wishes she had killed you is very upsetting. She sounds angry and her response to your choice is one that hardly encourages you to continue contact with her. I am sure that you have good reasons for cutting contact with your mother. You have every reason to feel hurt and rejected. The thing about control is that people can only have it, if you give it to them. As a child you had no choice but to be controlled, children are powerless and rely on the people who look after them to do what is best for them. You certainly do not feel your mother was doing what was best for you, but rather what was best for her. You are not a child any more and although the difficulties of your childhood will have formed who you are, you get to decide where you go from here. That was the best advice I received from someone, so I'm passing it on to you in the hope it helps. You can't change your mother and what she did in the past, much as it would be good to be able to do that. You can only change your response to it, but that is difficult and takes time. Controlling people don't like people that they have controlled to change, which is probably the reason for your letter. It seams that you are already showing the courage to make those changes for yourself and your family. I wouldn't rule out ever seeing your mother again, but someone who says this to their child, even when they are angry need to be avoided until and if they can learn to behave.

  • Hi there...I have a narcissistc sister and have out up with her all my life, overlooked the trouble she caused in the family especially when my beloved mother died. There is only one solution to this and that is no contact what so ever. I haven't spoken to my sister for three years. She has tried to make contact with me but sadly I've had to ignore her, as I know for sure it would all begin again. It's wonderful to have peace from her, I'm a happier person, she doesn't deserve my friendship. You may consider this also, there's no other way.

  • Hi

    I have a narcissistic mother in law. She has made life very difficult for myself and my husband but the difference is she is fundamentally a good person -just suffering from a personality disorder. It may help to think of your mother in this way. I suppose you have to work out what is best for you and as the other posts suggest if breaking off contact is the best way forward then so be it.

  • I have posted up about this before now and for me I feel it is at the core of everything I have been through. So do use the "search" button on here to find my posts.

    My mum was more subtle or should I say insiduous than you describe and it was less overtly "nasty" (though she did have aggressive tantrums there was no swearing involved; just lots of banging doors and saucepans and shouting ). It was extremely intimidating but yours seems to hit another level of aggression which is horrible for you.

    I haven't read the post in great depth being honest as I'm a bit short of energy nowadays but if you are young enough and well enough cut off ties and don't feel guilty (easier said than done I know); the moral is you can't win and still be a "nice" person in these people's eyes as they manipulate you with the idea you are "bad" if you do anything which doesn't fit in with their goals.

    Another angle I find worked; feel sorry for them in a way as they can't help it; they are ungrown as people and not even aware they are doing it; it helped me manage it to think it wasn't malicious in itself just a lack of awareness and a disease of self centredness. It is amazing though how much control they can have over you. My mum has died now and this is the first time I have felt free of it and being honest I just feel relieved. I also feel angry for the "wasted " years and all the pure terror I have been through many times in my life in so many ways; I am not going through that right now but not sure how long this will last; but if it does last and I can continue to feel reasonably ok even start to get "well" (dare I hope for that?) then that will be a good enough reward for me. I will have to wait and see as I've felt "better" ie less suicidal before and it hasn't lasted but so far three weeks of not feeling like that.

    I would say in hindsight don't waste your life on a person like this; develop a thicker skin and don't feel guilty about it; that is the way they control you with the guilt and the idea you may be "wrong" or misjudged them.

    PS just had another thought about it; I don't know about you but one of the biggest effects on me was the need I now have for validation of my own feelings.I hope that posting and reading our replies has given you confidence that your feelings about the situation are justified and valid as I know this is something I have struggled with myself.

    Gemma XXx

  • To all of the people who have posted a reply to my post thank you. Your kind words of hope and encouragement have spurred me on. The biggest thing for me joining this site is I now know I am not mad and I am certainly not alone when it comes to having a narcissistic parent. Thank you all xx

  • Oblivion2000

    Your mother sounds horrible. I also had a mother who suffered from (undiagnosed) NPD but who badly affected me my entire life until she died last year. I also had to cut off contact with her because she was making me ill.

    Check out an online support forum called Out of The Fog. It has helped me enormously.

    Good luck!

  • Me too I found "Out of the Fog" that Harry34 recommended absolutely illuminating forme. It was like a light flashing explaining everything that had ever happened to me It really validated me and all I had been through.

    Below too is a book recommendation. I'm recommending itmainly because it is cheap but there are many others onthe topic.

    "Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor: How to Survive Relationships with Narcissists and Psychopaths "[Kindle Edition]

    Sam Vaknin

    It is £2.69 on kindle edition from Amazon. X

  • Hello Oblivion, I can relate. I just lost my own mother to lung cancer this April, and what she did was the crime. I spent 20 years by her side in the family only to find out I wasn't really wanted. Shortly explained - She had cancer for many months and didn't tell me she was dying - instead when I was going through some suicidal feelings, she told me "Well, make sure you get rid of your junk before you kill yourself, nobody wants to clean that up." How nice, huh? Or other things I found out after she died telling others that she'd had enough of me, etc. It was pretty heavy, to have your whole life be for not after 20 years. Anyone who has felt that weight, will collapse with it. I'm not quite sure how to get out of it. Maybe by talking. I don't know.

    20 years of my life wasted, this is what I get for trying to be part of a family? Oh! Never again. I tried to give out of my heart and was made out to be an idiot. Something to be said when you feel that someone has wasted your life. Ironically, my brother is an awful meth head drug addict and talks much like your mother types. I sleep by a loaded high caliber weapon because he's threatened to take my life, and my mother enabled him! HE was the golden boy. I should have left over a decade ago! So I've got it from all sides of my family. It is awful to look in the mirror now and realize I hate every one of them. I wonder every day how much I am going to be able to take before the end. All I can tell you is that you are not alone, and you must get away from anyone who makes you feel like that. Terrible people! I wish you peace and solace.

  • That's terrible. I have a narcissistic mother who have had no contact with for five years now. I have severe anxiety and was attracted to controlling men too but have had therapy

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