I hate it!

Im 22, still very young! From an outsiders view, my life seems perfect. Lucky enough to come from a wealthy background, I'm healthy, and I have a full time job. My problem started when i was about 12/13. I spent my entire educational years in and out of counselling and seeing the doctor. In high school I used to have a 1 hour session 2 times a week, at this point I self harming through cutting and 'over the counter drug abuse', very few people are aware of my past. I was hugely into my sport and continued that through many future years, that's one thing that never suffered. I again received counselling and visits from the doctors whilst I was attending college. There was a point where it affected my eating and i lost 2 stone of weight in 4 weeks, it was painful and i just felt useless, i didn't even have the energy to change those habits, even chewing was an effort. Cutting a very long story short, high school and college passed and i felt normal again, for a good 18 months, I was playing a high standard of football and i was happy. Nearly 4 years ago I discovered my dad was cheating, I have endless amounts of evidence, I've taken pictures of everything i have found, its almost like ive been playing detective. Christmas 2012 i found presents for another woman, perfumes, lingerie (which wasnt my mother size), expensive fake tan and body butters, i didnt bring that up until earlier this year when i just absolutely flipped, all he was concerned about was whether or not i had told my brother. So, was that him confessing? I dont even know! Hes very nice to me but appears to hate my brother. Is it because he wants to keep me on his good side so i dont open my mouth? Oh, he doesnt work- he dishes out the money that my mother works so bloody hard for! what makes me angry is that i watch him spend it on this other woman, or is it more than one woman. MY mother is clueless, she worships him and it breaks my heart watch her being treated how she is! For the past 12 months i have felt empty, I have a fantastic girlfriend but she lives in america and is in he last year of university. My sport is non existent. I don't socialise with my groups of friends any more. I am near enough always tired, My body frame is the biggest it has ever been and I have always been a very petite athletic build. Ive cancelled my gym membership, which for though who know me will be seen as shear madness. I spend every evening isolating myself. I shut myself in my room and 90% of the time i find myself doing nothing other than staring at my four walls. I cant be around large amounts of people because i either want to break or i panic and i want to lash out. I cant trust anyone because I feel im surrounded by so many lies. Im struggling and i just dont know what to do. I want to be me again, I have lost myself for too long and i cant bare to waste any more of my life.

Please, Someone help me

6 Replies

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  • hi Sasha, I am really sorry that you are having such a tough time.

    I just wanted to let you know that I've read your post.

    It's quiet on here lately, please don't think that a lack of replies means your post is being ignored. I am sure people are reading, but not all up to replying.

    I would like to be able to give you the answers to help you, but at the moment I can't, it's beyond my experience.

    I do feel that you need help from professional bodies such as relate (parents) and Young Minds for you.

    Please keep coming back and talking to us. you are no longer alone.

    I will check back tomorrow evening.

    take care,

    hamble.

  • Hi Hamble,

    Thankyou for responding! I emailed a counselling society for some advice but they never replied to me, quite unprofessional if you ask for my opinion. They were only interested in my age and location. Its very hard to talk to someone about it all face to face, i find it a lot easier to express my feelings through writing, but even then i still feel like im not fully able to let it all out.

    My family issue plays a big role on how im feeling but it isnt the answer to everything and i think thats whats confusing me and frustrating me so much. Little things and up and by the time you know it, there are too many little things to cope with. I keep trying to find an escape route but as i have already discovered, running from your problems isn't the answer. You might not of been able to give me answers but thankyou for replying anyway, its nice to talk to someone who, without knowing me, cares.

  • Hi Sasha

    Real sorry to hear that you have to deal with all this ; you need to get professional help for you to find answer ; it is not about someone telling you what to do but you figuring it out for yourself ; you know your family you know how they might react....... You have to deal with problems with a calm mind I know easier said than done. I had many family problem when I was a teenager and the thing I understood is never do or say anything in anger even if it is impossible......

  • I know my family and how they would react which is why i havent already spoken up, my dad is very aggressive, not physically just verbally and my mum would be lost without him. I cant allow myself to be the reason that they part, from opening my mouth. My family issues arent the entire answer to how i am feeling, it is a build up of things but as i have already mentioned to another fellow member on here, it plays a very big role. I am tired of feeling the way i do, id give anything for it to go away and for me to carry on with being my happy self i once was.

    Thankyou for responding to me, i really appreciate it

  • Hi Sasha9

    I am very sorry to hear about this. I feel like I can relate to what you might be feeling. I am currently at university and I have been a bit of a recluse since I started feeling low and depressed. Because I do not tend to socialise anymore I have lost all most all of my friends (I used to be a bit of a heart of the party). I do not trust anyone and what's worse is I feel like everyone hates me. Recently I have started being labelled as aggresive and loner and what not. People around me are not very supportive at all, I have opened about my situation to few of my acquiantances but they ridiculed me for not being punctual and focused in my work. Well such is life!

    Unfortunately I do not have any helpful suggestions for you because I am caught up in the mess myself but I hope you find a way to let go of the anger you have in you. :)

    Shaz51

  • Hi Shaz,

    Have you any idea what bought this feeling on? Did you also experience something in your life that triggered it or did it literally just appear without any notice? I'm sorry that you feel how you do, it must be difficult especially with being in university- uni never appealed to me, mainly because of how i am from what i have been through in the past and still going through. Are you new to university? Freshman? Junior? Senior? Your friends never deserved your friendship if they have turned there back on you at your time of need. Is it sad that i have finally realised that the only person you can truly rely on is yourself? Dont let the name calling and labelling get you down, only you have the right to put a label on yourself! Regarding my build up of anger, i thought of taking up boxing but then i thought, if i got really angry, i wouldnt be able to stop myself and that could be more dangerous than actually boxing itself. I sure hope you find a way also. Im here for a chat whenever, Stay strong :)

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