We have had three days of fog up here in Northumberland, yesterday I was forced onto a long drive and all we could see was the trees with missing leaves and everything was just damp,damp damp just like my mood. When we eventually arrived in my old town again it was the same, although more depressing and people were walking around with their chins dragging on the ground. Sad to say when the weather is like that all I want to do is go home and forget a bloody awful day, although sad to say I had tasks to do and Black Friday was a good explanation of my mood as I left a sad town that I had once loved and had so many positive plans. Even Pax just sat quiet on the back seat and never moved until he could see the fortified tower that always tells us we are home.
What I am saying is this sort of weather just seems to knock me sideways and I sort of worry that I have done all the things I have planned or have I just took a dive towards the hills to get home. Now I become mindful and silent and I will generally blame those who were with me and that is all too do with my own silly ideas that stem from my Depression.
Sad to say I wonder if many of us are the same. I look towards my inadequate thoughts and I see myself a pain in the butt of all. Sometimes I feel that I walk on seashells and because I do not think with my head stupid ideas rush out of my mouth and I upset those who are trying their best to make a bad position good. All I do is alienate those who love me and in turn breed doubts in their minds as severe as my own doubts and worries. All this presented itself at 2;00am and broadcast around the bedroom on and off till about 6;00am when Hazel snapped back and the Pax jumped out of bed and found a nice corner to maintain his sleep.
This morning after Pax had his walk Hazel was on the phone making certain I had made the right decisions and confirmed and reinforced what had been discussed and agreed. Even then I was still questioning if I had covered all bases and even when Pax went out for His Walk we were still discussing the points we had discussed for twenty four hours.
What I am really trying to say here is Depression and anxiety are bad bedfellows and no matter how we act when calm, if we end up with worry and concern it not only affects us it also affects those who spend their life with us and it must at times be a real pain when we have thoughts that affect other people. We all with depression must feel that way and other factors must leave them totally exhausted and confused, confused I suppose is a wrong word, flustrated may explain it more.
So this evening I am sitting quiet, Pax on the floor, his head on my feet and Hazel is doing Her Puzzles, all is right with the world, I Think and so will reserve judgement, when we returned from walkies (wwwws) cannot say walk here, Pax goes mad, He even understands the latter a strong wind was gathering and was blowing the fog and mist from around the Cheviot, I felt my mood lift. Depression is one big problem that sadly affects those who do not suffer from this malady. Sad to say I will need to force myself to make my moods more even