I have been single for 10 years after my last relationship was so traumatic that I swore I would never let anyone make or leave me feeling like I did ever again. The peace & quiet is still bliss to this day but I have a Son with her and he lives a distance. Thing is she went with someone else, had 2 more children and 10 years down the line they are taking a break from each other which I stated would happen when we split. I am not emotionally messed up with this relationship and know I am better off without it but my whole chance of Fatherhood is not at all what I envisioned it to bewhen I was younger. It is nearly December 2014 now and the last time I saw my Son was last christmas and we have had maybe less than half a dozen communications online via facebook and I really dont think he is that bothered, or he gives me that impression. Once, during the last 12 months, she rang and said she couldnt handle him anymore and she dropped him off with me and as I was working I told him he would have to try harder if he was going to stay to which he asked to use my phone to call his Mum saying to her that I scared him.... This is a Mother that called him a c**t, b****rd on a regular occurence and was half the reason we argued when we were together. Within the same 24 hours she was back to my house and picking him up and I simply shut the door as they left without saying goodbye. When he got back home he sent me texts that he was alright and proper rubbing it in so I have decided to say forget you mate and have a nice life. He cannot handle school and starts half way through the day each and every day and I will be surprised if he gets through life comfortably due to no schooling. It is almost like she has put him through counscelling sessions to accept that his parents are no longer together when I have clearly stated that we are not together and it is NOT right that his Mum and Dad have let him down so much emotionally but it seems, to me, that she is forcing him to accept it rather than explain and when telling her this opinion she simply said 'you told me this would happen' ......... this leaves me disgusted completely that now her new life has hit the rocks she can finally sit in regret and admit she was wrong. This explains my Father & Son situation.
I have been on my own literally for the last 10 years refusing to go out my way to find someone as I will not allow another situation to get to me as it almost killed me when she said she was seeing someone else.
I also have a bad gambling habit through the sheer bordom of being on my own as it gives me control and I entertain myself to my own detrement. I feel like 'why should I bother, I have no future and will probably work until I am 90 (if I live that long) and will suffer in my later years. My job is part time and I will be practically living off a small amount of money with absolutely no chance of saving for a future and it is way too late for me to be thinking about a pension.
Whats the point in continuing if I know that the future is black and dark. My motivation has hit its lowest point it has ever been at and my ambition is non existant as there are no job openings or anything for me to better my situation by. On top of all this my mother does not look after herself properly and in some ways I am just like her by default.
I have been thinking about ways to end it all quickly and without any permanent medical damage like a failed OD so it comes to mind to find a train track and stick my neck on the line...quick, short and instant.
If someone had some positive words to show me I think it would help as this is probably a cry for help for me to be typing my life on a random internet site.