I want to just stop and end it all

I have been single for 10 years after my last relationship was so traumatic that I swore I would never let anyone make or leave me feeling like I did ever again. The peace & quiet is still bliss to this day but I have a Son with her and he lives a distance. Thing is she went with someone else, had 2 more children and 10 years down the line they are taking a break from each other which I stated would happen when we split. I am not emotionally messed up with this relationship and know I am better off without it but my whole chance of Fatherhood is not at all what I envisioned it to bewhen I was younger. It is nearly December 2014 now and the last time I saw my Son was last christmas and we have had maybe less than half a dozen communications online via facebook and I really dont think he is that bothered, or he gives me that impression. Once, during the last 12 months, she rang and said she couldnt handle him anymore and she dropped him off with me and as I was working I told him he would have to try harder if he was going to stay to which he asked to use my phone to call his Mum saying to her that I scared him.... This is a Mother that called him a c**t, b****rd on a regular occurence and was half the reason we argued when we were together. Within the same 24 hours she was back to my house and picking him up and I simply shut the door as they left without saying goodbye. When he got back home he sent me texts that he was alright and proper rubbing it in so I have decided to say forget you mate and have a nice life. He cannot handle school and starts half way through the day each and every day and I will be surprised if he gets through life comfortably due to no schooling. It is almost like she has put him through counscelling sessions to accept that his parents are no longer together when I have clearly stated that we are not together and it is NOT right that his Mum and Dad have let him down so much emotionally but it seems, to me, that she is forcing him to accept it rather than explain and when telling her this opinion she simply said 'you told me this would happen' ......... this leaves me disgusted completely that now her new life has hit the rocks she can finally sit in regret and admit she was wrong. This explains my Father & Son situation.

I have been on my own literally for the last 10 years refusing to go out my way to find someone as I will not allow another situation to get to me as it almost killed me when she said she was seeing someone else.

I also have a bad gambling habit through the sheer bordom of being on my own as it gives me control and I entertain myself to my own detrement. I feel like 'why should I bother, I have no future and will probably work until I am 90 (if I live that long) and will suffer in my later years. My job is part time and I will be practically living off a small amount of money with absolutely no chance of saving for a future and it is way too late for me to be thinking about a pension.

Whats the point in continuing if I know that the future is black and dark. My motivation has hit its lowest point it has ever been at and my ambition is non existant as there are no job openings or anything for me to better my situation by. On top of all this my mother does not look after herself properly and in some ways I am just like her by default.

I have been thinking about ways to end it all quickly and without any permanent medical damage like a failed OD so it comes to mind to find a train track and stick my neck on the line...quick, short and instant.

If someone had some positive words to show me I think it would help as this is probably a cry for help for me to be typing my life on a random internet site.

Thank You

15 Replies

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  • Hi Troubled1,

    Goodness you have really been through the mill, and it's understandable why you're in such a dark place at the moment. I'm replying because I want you to know someone read your post and someone is thinking of you. Although I don't really know where to start with my reply but I'll try.

    First of all I want to say there are things worth living for, even if it's just the blue sky or the flowers. I'm sure many people care about you very much and maybe just can't express it and would be upset to see you go. How old is your son? I'm sure he loves his Dad and does want a relationship with but it sounds like his mother has been a bad influence of him. You say you haven't been in touch with your son other than by brief contact over Facebook. Would you consider writing him a letter explaining how much you love him and that if it's possible, you'd like to work out a way of having a better relationship with him? A letter would show a lot of thought, effort and dedication - and you might find it easier to express yourself through having a think and writing your feelings on paper (compared to the instant nature of Facebook chat). I reckon he wants the same thing and would be willing to give you a chance. Every child wants a relationship with their parents, both of them, whether they admit it or not. The relationship may take work - I can see he does have a few behavioural problems that need to be addressed, and they can be - but it would definitely be worth pursuing and you get help with the process of it. I know you say at some point 'forget you mate, have a nice live' but from what you write in this post I get the sense you're already regretting this, and will regret not trying to relationship with him.

    The problem is the mother, it sounds like she is getting in the way of the relationship so she may not be willing to cooperate if this is what you both wanted. You could consider contacting Relate to see if you could work this out together with the guidance of a professional? Otherwise you could consider getting legal advice (depending on his age). Keep fighting for him. It might help to think about how he would feel if you did end it, he might perceive it as a message that you're giving up on him or he was never good enough for you to keep fighting. Which I know that isn't the case, from what you say you seem to want to end it because you feel you're not good enough or you've lost everything. I think this manifests itself in your gambling too, you feel that because you've lost everything that you don't have anything to lose in the big scheme of things, by gambling.

    It gives you a natural high for a while and passes the time and gives you a distraction from the difficulties you are facing, but neither lasts. And gambling is an addiction, so it's not something that gives you control, although understandably this may be how you perceive it. In short it will only make things worse. So I strongly urge you to your GP and ask for help with this. You're at least on the way to admitting you have a problem because you've already said in here that you gamble, so you've already taken the first step. I would also suggest because honest with them and telling them you've been having suicidal thoughts and seeing what other treatment they can offer you.

    Please don't give up. You've got nothing to lose by staying and trying again. But everything to lose by ending it all. By ending it, there is no going back. But if you continue trying to live both those options are available to you. I am interested in what you say about your mother and suspect this strongly links with your self perception and possibly even the decision you had to pursue the relationship with your last partner. If your mum was unable to look after herself then I strongly suspect she didn't look after you properly either as a child. So I think this caused you to perceive yourself as someone who couldn't get their needs met, and therefore wasn't good enough, or worth being in a loving relationship (this is speculation, as I don't what your relationship with your old partner was like before it went wrong). Perhaps you didn't know what a loving relationship was looked like, if the one you had with your mother wasn't what a loving relationship is ( again I'm just speculating). Furthermore, not looking after herself probably means you didn't develop the skills needed make yourself feel better, such as self soothing.

    And I think much of this is the reason you cut yourself off from having another relationship. Partly because it hurt the first time, partly because you may not feel worth being in a relationship? But we are capable of healing. And we are capable of loving ourselves even when we never experienced being cared for as a child - simply because we are worth it. It takes a lot of strength and courage, and evidently, this is hardest to find when we are at are lowest and most vulnerable. But if you overcome this barrier, think of you could met, you might meet someone amazing. There is such a big world out there. It's just so difficult to connect with when are struggling. Writing all of these painful things on here must have taken a lot of courage so I can see you definitely have it. And for taking the courage of writing here and facing up to all the difficulties you're having, I applaud you.

    Please keep posting. I'm sorry if I've missed anything or got any of the details wrong. Remember I don't know you so don't take it personally if I've miss interpreted anything. I also have trouble getting my thoughts down sometimes. I just wanted to show you that someone does care.

    Fay xxxx

  • hello troubled 1

    I just wanted to say as i read your post I thought what an awful time you have had just terrible it's no wonder you feel as you do .I'm very glad your still alive and posting and I'm sure your son would be in a terrible place without you so completely . I wish of could help but I'm not capable of writing like your other replies. I do think you need help maybe GP is first step . please don't give up lots of best wishes for you future please keep posting or replying you could really make a difference by replying love Squeak xx

  • hi funky fairy

    I think your reply to troubled 1 is fantastic . it shows what a lovely kind caring person you are. all the reply s are great but just felt I wanted to say something on this occasion the recommended was not enough . I truly hope troubled 1 agrees with me about your reply and also for the other great replies. I have nt seen you around for a while it's good to have you back take care love Squeak xx

  • Hi Squeak,

    Thank you so much. :) That really means a lot. I thought your reply also was very heart felt and thoughtful. I'm sure Troubled1 will really appreciate reading it, and the other replies.

    Take care,

    Love,

    Fay xxxx

  • Hi FunkyFairy and I wanted to Thank You for your time and input to my troubles, as with everyone's else's response. This site has shown me that people do care even if they are complete strangers and I cannot begin to imagine how many lives have been saved by yours and other peoples replies.

    My Thanks goes out to everyone (Hi Squeak) Christmas has passed and although my Son was not with me he said a few words that show me he actually does care so this has changed my state of mind alot :)

    Wow, I am so overwhelmed by the responses and I wanted to respond and express my gratitude and wish you a very Happy 2015 :)

  • Hi Funky Fairy. I wanted to personally Thank everyone for their time in taking an interest in my post and my current state of affairs. You are a fantastic individual for giving me such a detailed response and although you do not know me at all you have, what they say, hit the nail on the head from all angles.

    May I wish you a very happy 2015 - I believe in Fairies now :)

  • Hi

    I really think that you are trying to do the best in this situation with your son. I have read the post that says your ex is getting in the way of your relationship with your son. Your ex is nothing to do with your relationship with your son. You also sound as if you feel he is rejecting you. I just want to let you know that he isn't. He's confused and he's a child, even as children get older they are always a child to their parents. His mother rather than deal with the difficulties of bringing him up, reacted by rejecting him and dropping him off with you. You had no time to work out what was happening and did what you thought was best. He was already confused and acting out when she dropped him off. You were at work and it sounds stressful and confusing to be put in this position. You did the best you could in difficult circumstances. You are trying to stay in contact with him over facebook. He will appreciate your contact even if he can't or won't tell you that. It is very difficult to know how to be a father in this situation you sound as if you are doing the best you know how.

    You were right about his mother going off with someone else, the grass is seldom greener but to be frank that is her problem now and she will have to live with the choice she made. Everyone makes choices that prove to be bad for them, the difficulty is that this situation was not your choice it was a change that was made by someone else that effected you. It also effected your son, he probably felt powerless and any explanation or insistence that he accept something that he didn't want to would only lead to resentment not only towards his mother but also confusingly towards you. A parents place is in the wrong, but if they are still there for the child even when the child is pushing them away at least the child knows that they care.

    No matter how bad the situation feels right now it can get better, there is hope even when it is very difficult to see. I think you have made a very brave first move by posting, it is not easy to say you are feeling bad. Sometimes in life it is just about getting through each day and trying to find the good in it, even if that good is getting out of bed. You said you work, that is a really good thing and an achievement.

    You said you enjoy the quiet and it sounds as if the relationship was difficult but you get used to the situation, so when it changes it can be difficult to adjust to a new set of circumstances. Even when you do adjust it is sometimes difficult to know how to make a different better life.

    You don't need to have someone to be happy and I can understand your caution at starting a new relationship. Do you have friends you could spend time with? Are there any people at work that you get on with?

    At the moment you have a way of making you feel in control and that is to gamble, I think part of you recognizes that it's not helping you or you wouldn't have mentioned it. It is a trill to win money and you have said it relieves the boredom. I'm just wondering if there is something else you like doing?

    I hope things start to improve for you. Taking small steps and recognizing the achievement of those small steps can lead to bigger ones. You are doing your best in a very difficult situation.

  • Hi. I really wanted to Thank everyone for their kind words and understanding from the brief outlay I gave of my complicated life. Your words have helped me alot and, even though we are all strangers to each other, the care that people have put into their replies is overwhelming to me and has actually put alot of positivity into my world that there are good people out there and things can be changed.

    May I wish you a very happy 2015.

  • Please do not kill yourself. There is always a way forward you just can't see it yet. Find a hobby you enjoy and concentrate on that (NOT GAMBLING THOUGH). Let people into your life were not all bad. I found doing voluntary work helped me. I feel you are focusing on something that happened 10 years ago and letting it eat away at you. No one is worth that sort of distruction to yourself. Stop blaming others and get out there. I have tried to kill myself by taking overdose. NOT A GOOD IDEA. As for standing in front of a train. What about the poor sod driving that train how do you think he would feel. Bye taking your own life your ruin others. Is this really what you want? As for your son. keep in contact by phone, facebook. A boy always needs his father.

    Hope I have helped you to re-think.

  • Hi Sorrento. I have replied to everyone that have taken the time to express their support and as I have said in other replies I am overwhelmed that people have bothered. Wow! Thank You for your kind words of support and I WILL strive to make things better and cease my stupidity(gambling).

    A big Thank You to you and may I wish you a very happy 2015.

  • It's a very difficult situation you are in. Christ, it sounds awful for you.

    You shut down because of the way this woman treated you. But hey, we are not all like that. I am a girl and I try my best to treat my other half with love and respect and fairness. Of course we all have our moments of selfishness but if either of us does something bad we apologise and explain why that thing happened. We are both open in this way and I know that if I act selfishly or if he does, neither of us is going to refuse to listen to the apology. But my point here is that I think before I act which I never used to be able to do when I was younger, but now I do because I don't want to hurt him.

    I'm just saying that nice women do exist. And I can empathise with you because I have been at time where I've thought, "Screw it, I'll be on my own because I'm not going through that again." But it sounds like being alone has had it own bad effects on you. I'm referring to the gambling and loneliness you are experiencing. Humans are social animals and living a solitary life can lead to things like depression. We need the comfort and warmthand entertainment/interaction we receive from others. And those who truly don't like other people often get a pet. A pet gives us something to look after and show affection to which can be therapeutic. It's not ideal for someone who works full time but part time is more ideal for the pet.

    Look, I now this isn't what you want to hear, but maybe you could be open to dating again? It could make the world of difference to you and give you something to hope for. We need hope in life. It's not 100% certain that you will be reated badly again. It may just be something for you to consider. Perhaps the chance of meeting someone kind is worth taking the risk? Because being on your own isn't doing you any good by the sounds of it.

    Best of luck xx

  • Hi wanttochange. I wanted to Thank everyone for their kind words. The festive season has passed and it has been a more than expected good time of year which I did not expect at all. Your time and help has not gone unnoticed and has helped me think better for myself and has given me a huge boost to sort my life out from the ground up.

    So a big THANK YOU and may I wish you a happy 2015.

  • That's great to hear :). Happy new year!! :) xx

  • First off DONT! Dont even think of doing it, okay think of doing it and shelve it.

    Im sorry you feel so bad 'Troubled' and that things havent panned out how you hoped they would. As children we are sold the Disney love story and for most of us its too much to live up too. So dont try!

    Who knows what you will do in the future, what your son will do, you may do amazing things together when he is an adult and has experienced enough of life to make a balanced judgement.

    You've been treated badly and Im sorry for that, but we arent the sum of our lives, lives can and do change.

    Hang in there, look beyond the here and now, try and soak yourself in other peoples lives who have things differently. Allow your brain to entertain the idea that often different can and is good.

    You have a son be proud of that and know that it is a VERY good thing you have done. I cannot have children. Honestly if all you do in your life is have that child you have created a miracle. And if you dont have quite the relationship you want now things will change. People change their minds all the time and he is growing and changing. There may well come a time when he feels really bad about how he has treated you and you will need to be the bigger Father and forgive him. But don't doubt this every son needs his father as you needed yours.

    For God sake DONT EVER EVER give up. DONT let anyone bully or make you feel so sad that you do yourself harm. Be your own bestfriend and know deep inside where it matters you are a strong resouceful man.

    Right now you body and mind have had a depression shock, as much as if you had been hit by a truck. Rest, as much as you can, stay quite and try to breath easily, practice mindfulness as much as you can and all this will get better. Distract yourself with feel good films and radio, everything that came about in this world had to be imagined first.

    Your life is your gift for you, because you are loved and you are cared for, you are extremely special and talented dont let anyone tell you different. It is the truth that you deserve and can find happiness. First you need to relax, rest, get better, improve your emotional stand point before you engage in anything more. You must put YOU first.

    You can do this and your son will always need his dad.

    Lastly if the gambling causes you such worry, sort it out , go and be with others with the same issue and dont feel alone, we all need help sometimes and if you get this under control I believe you will feel stronger, just because you did!

    It isn't all black, each day is a new chance to write a new story and new history, weather storm, get stronger and then fight back, you are worth it and YOU CAN do this. Baby step and you will get there, let the future worry about itself.

    X

  • Hi Troubled1,

    I am glad that you posted again and that you're feeling better than you were. :-) Thank you for getting back in touch. I'm pleased my (and other peoples') replies helped - and that what your son said made you realise how much he cared about you. Just wanted to know that I'd read your response and want to wish you all the best for 2015.

    Fay xxxx

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