A bit of advice needed

Hi All,

This is my first time on something like this. Although I am prone to having really crap days myself im mainly here for my husband. He confided in me last week (through endless tears I may add) that he is under the darkest cloud of depression. He confided that he has had suicidal thoughts and how the only thing keeping him going is me. He drinks to "numb" these feelings (he doesn't really drink but when his feelings get too difficult to cope with he reaches for drink almost like a coping mechanism)

I suppose I am seeking out advise from you guys in the hopes that you can help me help him. I don't really know what to do or say to make him feel better. I would appreciate any advise at all that would aid me in helping him



6 Replies

  • Hi Amanda.

    Firstly your very welcome here. Now my first thing on reading your Post is that in my view

    The person suffering would really need to make that first move to get help, I would

    Think if the person wants help they have to look for it. Now I do understand that your

    Trying to help him, but He must want the help too.

    Firstly I would think he must go along to his GP , maybe you could go with him too.

    He will havee to cut out Drinking as that's a road to nowhere and Drink is a depressant.

    So Amanda he is very lucky to have such a caring wife but if he is feeling

    Suicidal then a Dr. Is the first pace I wwoukd be going to.

    Amanda let us know how things are, there is lots of hope for Depression, but

    It does require a lot of work fromthe Depressed person.

    Encourage your partner to come out nine and please look ok after yourself too.


    Hannah x

  • Hi Hannah,

    Thank you for your kind words and warm welcome :) My husband has made an appointment with the doctor for next week to see if they can prescribe him with some medication. He has so far managed to stay away from drinking himself into oblivion (I have realised that for him at least, the two seem to go hand in hand)

    He was speaking to me the other day and was saying that he feels quite anxious about going to the doctors and getting "fobbed off" He is also on a forum for alcoholism to try and control this (although as I have explained, it's only ever a problem when he goes through these terrible times)

    I just wish there was something more substantial I could do to help him. Listening doesn't seem to be quite enough!

    Thanks again


  • Hi Jenny

    Sorry I got your name wrong, I'm not sure where I got Amanda from.

    I think your doing a lot be being so supportive, make sure he is

    100% honest with Dr. I wish you all the best and let us know how

    It goes. Also Jenny do your best but also look after yourself . Your own mental

    Health and keep your life going, otherwise you will get burned out.

    You sound such a kind considerate woman, there will be others online

    Later and they too will help you. I suppose realistically the Dr will

    Have to look at what is happening in your partners life, there is usually

    A reason why someone gets depressed so all this is relevant too.

    Warm hugs

    Hannah xx

  • Hi Jenny / Amanda

    Welcome to the forum, it's always nice to see a new face, even if Hannah couldn't manage to get your name right! :p

    As Hannah mentioned, change won't happen unless your husband wants it for himself. The only person's behaviour that you can change is your own. I'm so glad that he's made an appointment to see the doctor; it really is the best way forward. Keep in mind that medication is just one part of effectively managing depression. Talking therapies can impact signficantly on how someone feels.

    He can ask his GP to be referred to charities who support people who are alcohol dependent. I go to one for people who are affected by someone else's drinking. You might find that sort of thing useful too. As Hannah said, alcohol in itself is a depressant, so he's in a really sticky situation.

    You are in my thoughts,

    Lucy x

  • Hi Jenny nice to meet you and welcome to the site. I think your husband is lucky to have such an understanding partner as a lot of depressed people have no one to listen to them. Have you looked online for information on depression - that might help you understand better. You could also ask him how you can help him and what he needs from you. Lastly can you get him to come in here himself? x

  • Hi Jenny,

    Welcome to the forum. I think it's amazing you are doing everything you can to help him. I have had situation depression which lasted for years on and off. But since I have been at a more comfortable level in my life lately but I have been in that dark place many times. My other half suffers from it pretty badly too. Sometimes I wish I could just rid him of it. He has admitted to thinking about suicide in the past.

    What I do is just be there for him. It's all we really can do. He has opened up to me quite a bit and has admitted how hard that has been for him. But I am relieved that he feels he can let me in sometimes. There are of course times where he shuts me out completely but I try my best to understand. He doesn't mean to shut me out, it just happens and he usually feels guilty which then makes him feel worse. When this happens I give him his space but I will go up and cuddle him and tell him not to worry. He knows I can feel hurt and a bit rejected at times and he dislikes himself for this, but to be honest I'm dealing with it much better now which I hope makes him feel less guilty.

    So it's tricky because there's no way we can actually make them better. All we can do is be supportive. At times that is frustrating because we just want to get rid of their suffering. But just by being there we are making a difference, however small it is. Sometimes my love says he thinks I'd be better off without him. But he has no idea what I was like before I met him. He is wrong. But it's hard to make him believe that because he just sees that he is dragging me down. I don't see it that way, I see it as helping someone I love.

    Maybe you could get to learn his moods and habits? For example, I have learned that my other half needs time on his own. It's tricky to do this for him but I will be going to see my parents after work on Monday and he will have the whole evening to himself.

    I'm different, I don't like being on my own, so it's difficult to get the compromise for both of us.

    But learning what they need helps, and knowing if they just want to be left alone or if they seem like they want to talk.

    Hope I've helped xx

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