as i sit here watching the fireworks blasting into the night sky - a wave of depression is sweeping over me - as it was nov 1st 2002 that i moved in with my late wife and we sat here looking out at the show which was better in those days as the fireworks where cheaper ( we /i have a good view out over the north of the city area and do not need to freeze my arse off sitting on a windy sea front to watch a display + i hate crowds or even a few people round me these days ) .
its funny , that even 13 years later that memory can set me off - bigtime , as so many things do most days - if you have read my other posts/replies in this section you will know the story - ( if not go read them !! .lol ) - so i won't repeate it all here
and do you know what REALLY sets me off ?? - people who say you should "move on " , i have had it from supposed friends ( few as they are ) - doctors - greif councillors - et al over the years - but i CAN'T - DONT WANT TO MOVE ON !! - she was the love of my life - my soulmate - literally my other half - i can NOT betray her by going with or getting involved with antyone else - just NOT GONNA HAPPEN folks !! -
and then i start thinking of all the a*****'s in the world - those who do sweet **** all for anyone bar themselves - who live long and cushy lives - have it all and die easy deaths - those who the press make a big fuss about , when there are so many that have crap lives - but do no one any ill and suffer so much - dieing maybe like my late wife at 51 .............. yep 51 no age to go
( pause to go check muffie01 is ok - she hates loud noises and the big ones have just started )
but , the one thing that consoles me is the fairly sure knowlege that there IS some form of continuience after we pass ( and this is ZERO to do with ANY religion - i have a real problem with religion ) - its more to do with things i have seen and experianced first hand - which belive me you had to be there
I make no secret of spending many years in the fire service ( amoungst other jobs as i was "retained - paid part time ) - i have seen many people who it was simply "NOT their day to die " or their "gardian - lets call them entities ,where working overtime
and it was another november when i had first hand experiance of these beings - i relate this as it happened as to if you want to believe it or not well ...................
any hoo - we where called to an hotel on fire in a remote village at about 05:30 am , the hotel was under renovation so fortunatly no rescues to do or any one hurt - just a streightforward fire fighting job or so i thought
well myself and a fellow firefighter where tasked with cooling debris containing gas cylinders that where in use to power dryers ( the cause of the fire ?? ) and we where situated in a long hallway the floors above having been pretty much destroyed - having been there for an hour of so - we where both happy to take a break when a "firefighter " appeared at the entrance and said to get a break and a cup of tea as the refreshment van had arrived
so dropping the hose to return later - we set of for a brew only to find that the tea van had NOT even left base , somewhat hacked off we returned to our taks only to find that a CAST IRON BATH -SIITING ON TOP OF THE NOZZLE - RIGHT WHERE WE WOULD HAVE BEEN STANDING !! - i late determined that this bath had fallen 3 floors and would surely killed or injused both of us - BUT nad heres the kicker , we questioned EVERYONE on the fire ground as to WHO had told us to take a break - and NO ONE HAD !! - in fact we had the mik taken for a while after about this but i and my fellow will sware in ANY COURT IN THE WORLD to the truth of this
i have pondered this many times - as there was something not quite "RIGHT " about the guy who called to us - was it the uniform ? - or something else , i cant say - however i am glad he ( it ?? ) did
this and a few "other "incidents lead me to believe that there IS something more than we know of - AND we all HAVE these gardian entities , which gives me comfort that i WILL cach up with my wife in due course - EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON !! - WE MAY NOT UNDERSTAND OR LIKE IT BUT TRUST ME IT DOES !!
ah well - i find that writing helps me cope - so please excuse the ranty-muse sort of post - i just felt like writing tonight
all the best - muffie02 - and 01 , who is sat here with me for reasurence on this somewhat noisy nov 5th
( below : my lovely wife FRANCINA - and you will see why i miss her soooo much )