Around 25 years ago I decided I was going to kill myself. I knew I had some pills in my bedroom somewhere. But it was such a mess I couldn't find them. After ages searching I surprisingly felt a lot better and started to laugh at myself. I never did find them.
I then had an honest chat with myself. I realised I faced a stark choice - I could take my life and I might as well if I was going to spend my life feeling like I did. Or I could choose to try and be happy and learn how to be. After all if it didn't work out there was always the first option. So I thought what have I got to lose?
So I sought help and got to know myself a lot better. I watched popular people who seemed to have lots of friends and be happy and analysed what make them popular and tried to copy them. I listened and learnt a lot more than I spoke and the more I learned the more whole I became and I found me as a person.
Now I am not saying it was all plain sailing - there was a lot of pain along the way but at least I did start to know myself a lot better and if I didn't know what I wanted - I knew what I didn't want. One of the key things I learned was to turn questions round on myself. So for example if I said why does no one love me? I would say to myself do I love anyone? There's your answer. I have got to do it before anyone else can.
Although life is far from perfect and I have made other suicide attempts I firmly believe I would not be here now if I hadn't faced that stark choice and took positive action.