Small Steps...

[AnnieQ]

If you read my other posts you'll know how down I was a few days ago, well I'm in an OK period now. I know it won't last, but it gives me a respite and time to reflect on the impulsive behaviour I've had and the way I've treated others whilst being taken over by the dark side (that's how I feel about it). I've stayed away from temptation to do things just to take my mind off my depression - they are an addiction. Giving me a high only to make the low even worse. I'm going to try and stay strong - but once my boys are back at school next week I'll be back in temptations way - but I will do my best. I'm not perfect and I will now set myself realistic goals and not berate myself if something goes wrong. I'm not bad - just ill. Hope you are all well. Update me on what's happening to you and share your feelings. x

[WantToChange]

Hi Annie,

Sorry you're worried about the temptations coming back. What sorts of things do you feel give you the "high" that stops you from feeling depressed? I'm interested in this because that's something I have been working on - not getting too excited about things as that used to cause depression for me when I was younger. Also, not setting your hopes unrealistically high as that can create disappointment which inevitably leads to depression.

It's a hard habit to get out of. Especially when predominantly suffering from anxiety and Asperger's Syndrome (that's me) because it's really hard to stop the blood from rushing. But because I have learned a lot about myself, I have been able to manage the anxiety better (although it can still really bother me and I get anxious in case I'm being "weird" around people at work as a result of AS). So I used to get myself in a huge state when I was younger (it's only really the last year this has stopped), which would then lead to a great low and I'd have feelings of hating myself.

But you seem really determined to get over these temptations, which is great, because determination can get you anywhere.

Good luck xx

[AnnieQ in reply to WantToChange]

Hi,

I am tempted by another man. If you see my other posts it makes sense. I am happily married with two sons, but this other man gives me time out from the mundane depression. He uses me and is a womaniser (which I knew), but he is also very exciting and he is an escape. I have known him for 14 years, but it is only in the last few months we've slept together a few times. When he texts (which is rare) I get an incredible high and then he'll want to meet (on his terms as he has a girlfriend) and I get so high on the feeling again. But afterwards I feel ashamed and worthless and the low is even deeper. At the moment he has dropped me because he is probably with someone else, but I know in a few weeks he'll be back on when he is bored and I need to make sure I resist him. But it is hard - I am getting bored today and keep thinking of ways I could text him to see if he'll respond with a meeting request, but I've been strong. I know I'm only doing this because I want to feel wanted - but the sad reality is I'm just a f**k to him. It is usually when he sees me that he wants me, but when I'm out of sight I'm out of mind. So I am repeating the pattern of excitement followed by the inevitable "being let down". I obviously have no self respect left.

I also use shopping as a high and buy things to cheer myself up. I stay away from drink and drugs. I do run nearly every day and this gives me a high which lasts for a while and I don't experience a low because I like to be fit.

My Dad was an alcoholic (he died 4 years ago) and things were planned when I was younger, but he'd usually ruin them and so I got used to not looking forward to things or getting too excited. I still hate christmas now because my mum and dad used to argue every Christmas Eve because he would come home drunk. I still experience the same anxiety level and find it difficult to get into the christmas buzz - I feel relieved when it is over. This is how I felt as a child and now (I'm 43).

My mum always suffered with her nerves and had bouts of depression so I looked after her as a child (I'm still doing it as she lives in an annexe at my home). She was always full of things we'd do, but they never happened. Again, I stopped looking forward to things because they never happened.

I have always felt like I don't belong and never get things quite right. I've always felt that I'm never good enough and that others are better. That is why I felt special when someone else showed an interest, but of course I'm not special to anyone - hence I get more depressed. I am so jealous of people who seem to light up the room, all I do is bring the mood down. I wish I had never been born and had to feel this way for most of my life.

So, yes, I am determined to stop temptation, but don't know if I can keep it up. I don't know if I can keep going. I was super positive this morning, but now I can feel the darkness coming back into me. I'm tired of being so needy, stupid, saying the wrong thing and always making the wrong decision.

What tempts you?

x

[WantToChange in reply to AnnieQ]

I'm finding myself at a loss for what to say because I have never thought about cheating. I just can't imagine doing it. My other half is an amazing person (ok he has drawbacks like everyone else) but I see him in such a good light. I only wish he could see himself the way I see him. He was cheated on years ago and he still blames himself. It's not his fault at all. If she was unhappy, she should have left him instead.

Please realise that I tend to generalise. And although my first thought is to see cheating as wrong just because I would never do it, I am trying to widen my reactions to things (if that's the right way to explain it). I try to remember that there is more than just black and white - people have different reaons for doing things. For example, yours is down to depression.

I would encourage you to think of the consequences here which may go so far as to put you off texting this man.

1) If your husband finds out he will be devastated (or if he already knows he may not put up with it for that much longer).

2) What if your children find out?

3) You are giving a womaniser what he wants and the opportunity just shouldn't be there for him. He is living a double life - he should choose committment or sleeping around because you can't have both.

4) Could this potentially break up your family?

The benefits of not texting him:

1) You will feel stronger for resisting this.

2) You will not feel guilty and hate yourself even more.

3) You won't have the high that ultimately results in depression thereby breaking the cycle.

4) You won't have the feeling of chasing some man who doesn't really care.

Sorry if I've been harsh here, I just think this is a cycle you really need to break!

Try to keep these things in mind. Maybe write them down so they can be in front of you or memorise them and repeat them over in your head?

Food is my temptation! I have put on a stone and a half and I am mad at myself for it! I have never been this weight before in my life! Lol. So needless to say I'm gonna be losing it. Just bought a set of bathroom scales which I will use for the shock factor at first and also to monitor any weight loss.

Hope you will be ok, and let me know how you get on with the temptation! xx

[AnnieQ in reply to WantToChange]

I have resisted temptation today and so far feel better. You need to be harsh with me, because what I have done is terrible and I feel remorse. You have every right to tell me what I should do because you are absolutely right - I will paste your reply onto a sheet and read it every time I have a moment of weakness. My husband doesn't know, but if he found out he would never forgive me and leave. I have never done this before and it is really out of character. My husband is lovely, hardworking and my soul mate and I would never dream of leaving him (we've been married for over 18 years). Why then you ask did I think it a good idea to cheat? Don't know. The chap and I had enormous chemistry which I had ignored for many years, but then we started chatting more and more and it went from there. Guess I'm in a mid life crisis and needed someone to boost my ego. Yes, I am depressed but nobody made me cheat - I used it as a fix to cheer myself up. I've hurt myself and put the potential there to hurt my husband and boys. The guilt I have awful, but it's a problem I'll have to live with.

You'll get the weight off once you get your scales. I'm on the other side at the moment and hardly eating - guilt and shame has made drop to 7st 7lb and I used to be nearer 9st. I find running really gets the weight off. I love baking, so my husband has put on weight due to that!!

I'm in a mess but your straight talking has helped me realise how stupid I've been. I know you probably think I'm a bad person for what I've done and you are right, but I'm trying to forgive myself (but not forget what I've done and learn from it) so I can move on and get out of this vicious cycle. You've told me today what my friends needed to tell me.

Let me know how you are getting on. xx

[WantToChange in reply to AnnieQ]

Hope I wasn't too harsh. I don't necessarily think you are a bad person beacuase I can see that you are broken up about this. But I do think you have made a bad choice here. Jeopardizing your marriage and family life will only make you more depressed if the result is that you'll lose them. Surely your husband makes you feel wanted though? It is so easy to take someone for granted and not show them affection in long-term relationships. It causes the end of many relationships. But if he doesn't show much interest then maybe you could talk to him about how you feel?

Yeah I really want to lose the weight now. I wouldn't say my confidence is shot because of it but it has certainly dipped a bit. I just don't like seeing my podgy bits in the mirror lol. And I can't believe my skinny jeans don't fit me! Gutted! Nobody thinks I'm fat though. I put the weight on all over so people generally can't tell. My other half says I have put on weight but that I'm not fat. He admitted the truth without offending me very cheeky haha.

I think I just got out of routines when I moved in with my OH to be honest. It's so easy for me to just sit and eat because I have a huge appetite! A lot of that appetite has stemmed from comfort eating during times of depression and loneliness and also from my anxiety. I eat more than my other half does!! I eat sweets and crisps after dinner and it needs to stop. Actually, it has stopped... I had a bit of chocolate last night but that's the only junk I had :). Soon I won't even have that once my body adapts to it. I have lost a stone before and I actually felt like I had more energy because I was eating healthier. Shows how junk food can bring you down coz I had more energy when I was cutting back and losing weight :). Anyways, I am rambling...

How are you feeling about things today? xx

[AnnieQ in reply to WantToChange]

You were not definitely not too harsh. It did me the world of good and I have realised how stupid I really was and how disrespectful to my husband and marriage vows. My husband gives me attention and we have no problems in our relationship. If you knew me you'd realise I am the least likely person to do this and I never will again. I have not texted the chap and tried to think of anything but him. He only used me anyway so I got what I deserved and has dropped off any contact now. I think I was looking for an escape. My mum moved in with us at the end of May (into an annexe at the bottom of our garden which is 150ft long) and she needs care and has gone downhill since my dad died 4 years ago. My husband works away most of the week and I think I was so low and I'd lost my identity. I am 43 and felt ugly and old. This chap and I got too friendly (he said all the right things about me looking good, etc) and then I crossed a boundary. I feel guilty every day and hate what I did. So, I needed to hear the truth and not delude myself any longer. All I can say is THANKS. My mood has improved since your reply and I have felt the power to resist silly temptation.

Sounds like you have a plan for the weight loss. I absolutely love food, particularly sweet stuff. But at the moment my appetite is not so good so I am on the lighter side. Junk food is a bit addictive, but delicious unfortunately! Do you exercise? I run 3-4 times a week and lift weights 3 times. This has really changed my body shape and I feel much stronger. I've always hated my legs, but now they are not too bad and I feel they have some shape at last. The trouble is I get addicted to everything so when I start exercising I can't stop. I can't tell you how much your reply has helped. I've realised that I don't need false validation from another man and that I am OK - in many respects much too good for him.

Don't worry about rambling on to me I love to hear what you've got to say. How are you feeling today?

Annie xx

[WantToChange in reply to AnnieQ]

Aww that's great :). I'm so glad I could help you, it make me feel happy when I know I've helped someone.

That's one reason I wanted to become a teacher. I was half way through the course at Edinburgh University and I had to leave. I was failing and the reason for that is I have Asperger's Syndrome. I didn't know I had this at the time. It meant I couldn't do certain things - I couldn't connect with the pupils very well and just didn;t manage things well at all. I know my subject very well and loved it when the kids were interested but I couldn't do any other part of the job because of the way my brain is wired.

My parents suspected I had for a while as my brother has it although much worse than me. So teaching was my dream and I lost that and felt so low and a complete failure. Plus, my relationship was falling apart during the course and came to a horrible end. It was all very stressful and I stopped eating so much - my appetiti just literally disappeared and I actually forgot to eat at times as it just wasn't on my mind. I was also being sick due to stress and anxiety. I lost about a stone. And have since put two back on haha. I was probably just a little too slim at the time so I'd be happy with losing a stone and a half. That's a comfortable weight for me.

In terms of sleeping with someone. I slept with someone after that relationship ended. I just wanted to think about anything but him so I tried sleeping with someone I didn't really like as a person. I can't decide if I regret doing it or not. I held my ground when he wanted things to get a bit out of hand because I didn't trust him but I also know it was something I had to try. I know I will never do this again because it just didn't feel right. He was attractive, it was his personality I didn't like. It just shows that looks only mean so much. I learned a lot about people from his background so at least I learned. But I also learned that I want sex out of love, not just for the sake of it.

But I suppose I had to do this to see if it was something I could do, if that makes sense. At least now I know lol.

I'm good today thinks. My anxiety has settled down and can't wait ti see Nightcrawler tomorrow xx

[AnnieQ in reply to WantToChange]

What a shame about the teaching. Sounds like you've had a rough time. Life seems very unfair at times.

The chap I slept with is just my type - looks very similar to my husband. I'd liked him for years and he is the type of man you look at and want to f**k (to put it crudely). When I see him my heart still leaps, but I think of your words and remember that I love my husband and nothing is worth ruining that. I haven't texted him or stooped any lower than I did.

It really is down to you and your words. You have helped me this week and I am so grateful.

Enjoy Nightcrawler and keep in touch,

Annie xx

[WantToChange in reply to AnnieQ]

Yeah it can be but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel :).

That's great :). I'm glad I could help you!

I will do. Enjoy your weekend too! xx

[WantToChange]

Hi Annie,

Sorry you're worried about the temptations coming back. What sorts of things do you feel give you the "high" that stops you from feeling depressed? I'm interested in this because that's something I have been working on - not getting too excited about things as that used to cause depression for me when I was younger. Also, not setting your hopes unrealistically high as that can create disappointment which inevitably leads to depression.

It's a hard habit to get out of. Especially when predominantly suffering from anxiety and Asperger's Syndrome (that's me) because it's really hard to stop the blood from rushing. But because I have learned a lot about myself, I have been able to manage the anxiety better (although it can still really bother me and I get anxious in case I'm being "weird" around people at work as a result of AS). So I used to get myself in a huge state when I was younger (it's only really the last year this has stopped), which would then lead to a great low and I'd have feelings of hating myself.

But you seem really determined to get over these temptations, which is great, because determination can get you anywhere.

Good luck xx

[Stilltrying_]

Yes i get it AnnieQ, the whole thing about the "other man"thing; and yet you know that at the end of the day unfortunately this man does not care about you at all and your husband does.

It is a weakness you have that could lead you to lose something good and really that is up to you; I am sorry to say this but you are toying with temptation and enjoying it yet will not enjoy the lack of security and real care if you go for this silly thing.

Find yourself another distraction such as learning a foreign language or needlework and get your priorities right; this "temptation" is nothing but your low self esteem; this man is nothing to you and just reconfirms to you a "pretend" worth; but there is no real worth in this.

Find something with some real worth like volunteering at a charity shop looking after a dog or dogwalking for a friend. The idea of this being some sort of care is indeed an illusion. Find something more wholesome to occupy your mind and hang on to that husband of yours .

Put this other man down to a bad decision. Just stop it. Don't tell your husband. Just stop it and concentrate on the worthwhile things before it is too late. Honestly anything to distact you from this idiot who does not care about you not one little bit. And yet what you want is care; you won't get it from him so stop it. Maybe your husband cares or you need to care about yourself more but not that idiot.

Hope this helps.

Gemmalouise X

[AnnieQ in reply to Stilltrying_]

You are absolutely right. I have resisted temptation all day and feel better for it. At last I have people telling me how it is rather than my friend trying not to upset me. I am an idiot. I love baking so have started doing that every day - it is now my rediscovered addiction and my family love trying something new. I am putting a full stop to the other man now. It is low self esteem but he won't make that better - just worse. I'll change the record and get myself on to the road to recovery!!! My husband and boys do care and they are all I need to be happy - like you say not some false interest from a man who doesn't care one bit. I've lost my real self somewhere and have behaved like a needy, silly girl.

Your straight talking has certainly put me in my place - thank you!!! That's the second time today someone has told me off and I needed it. Every time I got tempted to be silly I remembered the posts I'd had and it made me see sense.

It has helped and I needed to hear it - without a sugar coating!!! Thank you.

xx

[Stilltrying_]

That's great. Enjoy the bread baking, That's a real and wholesome thing and you will bring youand your precious family greater joy in the longterm. XXX

[AnnieQ in reply to Stilltrying_]

Well I've planned my baking and I'm making Lemon Meringue Cake, Cornbread and Coffee Profiteroles for this weekend! That will keep me out of trouble!! Take care, xx.