I cant remember how I felt when I woke up, but as I climbed out of the shower this morning I couldnt stop crying. It abated long enough for me to catch the tram to town and find my way on foot (eeek) to my first appointment... my very first one-to-one therapy session. As I spoke so much stuff came pouring out, all disorganized, like hundreds of books falling off a shelf almost at once. I cried through that in parts as well...not something I do in public either... but then... I've never been in a position to spend an hour telling someone that amount of information in one large download.
Honestly I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I know I don't feel any better for blurting all that shpeel out, possibly because she said nothing through out the session except our times up, wrote only two sentences on her pad.
I covered everything from not being wanted as a child and my husband (ex) of ten years abusing me and cheating to my low self worth, hopelessness and how I hate my body to the point I don't like looking in the mirror and have no recent photos of myself.
Felt weird and hollow ever since. Guess I thought it was going to help or feel like some sot of release... but it didnt , and I dont feel any better. Not sure it did anything for me..... only the first one i suppose... so Im not going to quit yet.
BUUUUUUuuut I went and i suppose thats a positive.... a weak positive but still good i suppose.
Not feeling very positive this evening....apart from meds, and therapy im not sure what direction to go in...personally i mean.
I feel hollow and blank and nothing excites me like it used to. The meds are only a tool and at some point ill have to come off them..... theyre only there to help me take that step forward and start that fresh new life..... but somehow i feel like i havent started it yet...and i dont know where to start.
I want to be happy again, i want to be passionate about things and places, I want that lit up feeling i used to have, I want to laugh, i want to not look like a dogs breakfast......erm a lottery win would be nice while im wishing...i just cant seem to manage it, and im not sure entirely why.
I lack direction. I don't know what I want anymore... maybe too many years of people telling me...or maybe im just scare of taking a step forward and no one being around to say well done.... just a sea of criticism. And i don't think i can take any more of that. perhaps thats whats holding me back.... being tired of 'being me' and no one liking any of it. \When you keep changing and editing yourself to please too many people.... I think you loose bits of yourself... maybe what i am and feel now is the shell of whats left over after youre all gone (thats how i feel....all gone) ....and youve actually pleased no one. Because the people who you cant please by being yourself.... were never going to be pleased.
I need to concentrate on myself and the people who mean everything to me right now.... but its hard.