Possible hope in finding a relationship

Hi Everyone,

Basically a large proportion of my anxiety and depression comes from being 21 with no experience of a relationship or even kissing a girl. Now that my life consists of working and spending time alone at the weekend, I am finding it even harder to have a social life or even meet a partner. However I have a dilemma regarding this... here goes:

There's this girl who works in a shop I visit every week. She's very attractive and seems like a generally nice person.

When she first served me, there was something about the way she looked at me which gave the impression I thought she might like me.

Anyway, the next time I entered the shop, she was with a couple of colleagues but she was looking over towards me when I was browsing and also looked as I walked past her. This gave me the impression she remembered me from last time.

The third time I went in the shop, she was at the till and she actually started talking to me this time (just general talk and she asked me how the weekend was) - I noticed she didn't do this with the people served before me so I felt she recognised me as a regular customer and wanted to develop a friendship.

So I carried on talking to her and managed to talk to her the next time as well but recently I'm having doubts as to whether she likes me back or not as a potential date. I'm not a very confident person especially with my looks and the last time I went in the shop, we both said hi to each other but she didn't make any form of conversation. Even though she started the whole talking thing in the first place, she doesn't seem to make conversation now so maybe I got completely the wrong impression and she doesn't want to get to know me? I really don't know what to do. I can either carry on trying to get to know her or give up. We are on talking terms but she doesn't even know my name yet.

I think the whole reason I started to like her was because of the way she looked at me and the way she spoke but now I'm not so sure as I suffer with anxiety and depression so it may have just been a blur.


29 Replies

  • She might like you, I'm sure you're very likeable, but you must not let this situation become something it's not. She'll have been told by her employers to smile and talk to the customers, and probably does the same for all the customers visiting the shop. If you were skulking round the place, looking at her, she might have thought you were a shoplifter. If you're that keen, why don't you leave your number next time you're in there? Sounds like you've got nothing to lose!

  • Thanks for replying. I'll still go in a few more times and see if she tries talking to me or not. I'm very careful and try not to look like a stalker or shoplifter. I also genuinely want to buy some things in there! It's just that doubt that she might not like me due to the fact it's always me to start a conversation

  • I know you're probably feeling awful for not having kissed a girl yet, but 21 is not old. Girls are horrible anyway! X

  • It just feels old because it seems everyone else my age is moving on and enjoying life whilst I continue being lonely and depressed! Don't like to tar them all with the same brush but it seems girls just want the typical 'bad boy' person rather than someone who will care for them x

  • What ways have you tried so far to meet girls? X

  • I haven't really tried, just hoped that it would happen someday and when this opportunity came up in with the girl in the shop I felt that I needed to hold onto it! I just don't know how you meet people these days as the best social activity I can manage is a quiet pint in a pub and even then people don't talk to each other X

  • You're right on that one! People sit in pubs on their phones and don't speak to each other! I'm not saying discount the girl in the shop, but don't limit yourself to her and her alone. Get out with your friends, join a gym or other sporting activity. The right girl will come along when you're least expecting it! X

  • I will, thanks for your advice X

  • Just an update Lucy - today I nipped in quickly as i wanted a bottle of water. She was on the tills then suddenly went outside for a coffee. I doubt it's a co-incidence she must be avoiding me now, don't know what i've done but I must've come across as a creep! She also walked past and I purposely pretended not to notice to see if she would talk to me and she didn't. Oh well moving on, it was just an opportunity I've lost nothing in the end.

  • I think you are reading too much into that George, she was probably told to go on her break or something. You can't take that to be a sign that she doesn't like you. This is what I used to do, look into the smallest of things and automatically think negatively.

    I think you should talk to her again and maybe ask her name. Asking someone their name means you are interested and it she will see it this way.

    Dn't worry though George, I didn't lose my virginity until just before I turned 23. It's not something you should rush. It will happen. I used to think it never would, but then it did. I started off getting to know him and I left it several weeks before sleeping with him. A proper relationship which is stable and loving is worth waiting for, trust me.

    And maybe because you "pretended" not to notice her, she now thinks YOU are not interested in her. You should really talk to her again, pick up where you left off. After a couple of chats about everyday things, you can ask her fr a casual drink and just take it from there. Always ease in, I personally feel it's not nice to be asked out if not expecting it, i.e. if the guy hasn't spoken to me much. Because then it could be awkward. You need to re-establish the connection you had with her before when you spoke.

    Good luck

  • Thanks for your kind comments. I will try again soon, it's just a very bad habit I have of immediately assuming the worst. Next thing is to do what you say, slowly ease in but I'm not very confident and I was so nervous at one point, my legs were shaking! All this anxiety has suddenly been brought on since I turned 21 as I began to panic about being the last one to find someone.

  • I had the same feelings. I was very down when I thought I would never find someone. And I was jealous of the friends who did have someone. But it's actually worth waiting for. For that special person. I dated enough losers in the past who never really appreciated me, I got dumped and hurt several times.

    In terms of shaking legs, I got the deep butterflies in my tummy feeling which make you feel light-headed and sometimes sick. So I was just as bad as you lol.

    It's true what they say though, if you are negative about it then no one will come your way. This is because no one wants to be with someone who is negative. I know there are special cases. My boyfriend is very down on life at times but I fell in love with others things about him. But he didn't seem that way when I first met him, it's something you only see when you get to know him. So I think being openly negative from the beginning has a negative effect on potential relationships. It tends to repel people. Even if the girl at first thinks you're cute, she may look elsewhere if she feels negativity from you.

    If you are positive, positive things will soon happen. I'm not saying you will automatically get the girl if you think differently. But positivity affects all areas of your life and ultimately it makes you happier. Take it from someone who used to be really down on herself (whenever I looked in the mirror I would grimace or roll my eyes). That showed a very negative self-image. I'm actaully pretty, different people tell me this (not just guys who think they can get something out of it) and it's only been the last year or so that I've actually started to believe it. I don't think I am the sexiest woman in the world or anything and I certainly don't see myself as irresistable. But I'm more comfy with myself and I'm not afraid to have a bad hair day and I don't wear make up at all now. I dunno, it grew over time I guess. After several knock-downs I can finally be at a comfy level with how I see myself physically. I still have issues like anxiety and a recent diagnosis of Asperger's but I'm learning to acept these things about myself. It'll be a tough road but I understand myself more since I was diagnosed. These things can affect my relationship at times but I'm working on it not interfering.

    Everyone has things they can work on about themselves. But you can only work on one thing at a time. Try being a bit more positive about yourself Maybe give yourself a compliment each day or something like that. Maybe you have nice eyes or teeth or something?

    And try talking to her again, just casually because you haven't spoken to her in a while.

    Good luck

  • Thank you :) it sounds like you've had a long journey dealing with anxiety and other aspects but I'm glad it's worked out for you. Ideally I want to be in a similar position to you once I am feeling genuinely good about life and feel that I can deal with my troubles properly.

  • Sorry George! I didn't see your reply. I think maybe she was due her coffee break. Have you ever walked into a bar and as you walk through the door, everyone turns to look at you? Your likely thought is 'Oh God, I look like such an idiot today, they're all laughing at me', but the more realistic one would be 'Oh they're waiting for someone and thought it might be them walking in'

  • No problem! I know the feeling well. It's natural for me to assume the worst. I think I'll visit when I've calmed down a bit. x

  • George she likes you I am sure. Try asking her out on something low key like 'fancy a drink tomorrow' or something like that.

    The other piece of advice I will give you is to stop looking for a girlfriend. Do you have friends? If so use them to get to know other people, including girls, who might become friends. If you concentrate on just getting a gf it can smack of desperation. The key is meeting more girls in a social setting (or a work one or anywhere) and one of them might want to be your gf. x

  • Thanks for your advice, I will stick to looking for friends especially after today - my update is posted above.

  • At 21 you have all the time in the world, your life as an adult is only just beginning. Dont rush things, it causes more stress when you over think things more than necessary. Leave a note next time you pay her at the counter saying hi may name is... my number is...or my email is etc. Short, sweet and light hearted. After that the ball is in her court....who knows, she may be too she to make the first move herself.

  • I'm having some real doubts at the moment but as you say I'm 21 and I suppose I should relax a little. Thanks

  • There are so many wonderful places and people in this vast and beautiful world... enjoy them and .... when you're not looking... incredible things will happen.

  • Umm can I suggest something. Now I may have missed something Young George as my light bulb isn't always on :-)

    You said you bought a drink so Im going to go with it being a Newsagent type shop? The thing is to get a conversation going. DONT chat her up or even think about a date. This is a fact finding mission and you are Bond, your target is agent Orange who in this case is 'Lucy' behind the till.

    First off we need to get info out of Lucy, who s working for, what information does she have, can she be trusted :-) . This can be achieved one of 3 ways all to be exercised when we know the shop is quiet!

    1) Take a book in casually place it by the till when your paying (a popular book mind) something like, Catcher in the Rye, 1984, To Kill a Mocking Bird, something you may both have read at school. Explain how you are re-visiting the book and noticed something second time round. Ask has she read it, if she has bingo, what did she like, when did she read it, what does think etc

    2) Newspaper Shop, get the newspaper and ask her abut something topical, filming baby George, or whose going vote which way in Clacton? Etc

    3) Get her to recommend something in the shop a bottle of wine (why), or out of the shop, where can I get a good coffee, where's the best coffee you've ever had...etc.

    When you have noted down in your dossier the facts encrypt it so the other-side cant get their hands on it.

    Try a few times to get a chat in, show an interest in her, you'll be bale to gauge if she likes you that way, if not well we all like a good chat for a good chats sake. Don't be in such a rush, what for, talk to lots of gals. You know you have to like her as much as she like you and without the info what do you know?

    Then if it feels natural and you've made friends you wont have to ask her out, it will just fall into place....."theres a book signing at Waterstones by our favour author next week, what do think?". Or you know you love Stanley Cubric well their showing his first film at the national, would be great to take someone with a brain so we can discuss it afterwards".

    Treat people how you want to be treated, your not a sexy object, your a man with a bran and feelings, ideas and plans. Well so is she, treat her as your fellow man first, be interested first n who she is and if your still attracted well the commonality will flow. Be easy about it, its not a race, no win or lose, this is about you growing as a person and more over having fun. No targets, no goals, no sweat. Until you ask her out and she says No you have nothing to lose and the more you know about her, the more you will know when she is ready to say yes, so no sweat. Just make friends like when you were 3 years old, we are small kids inside really :-)

    Okay Bond over to you :-)

    MoneyPenny X ha ha yeah right Im like 5ft4!

  • Oh typos typos typos...m Dyslexic Young George you cant touch me for it! ..I know you get my points above, just skm past them!

    Oh and if she doesnt like your book! Ask her what to read....grrr.

    Have fun its all just fun! :-)

  • Hi Caroline, thanks for your reply. Don't worry your comments make a lot of sense and I appreciate them! Today she went out of the shop as soon as I came in (co-incidence?!) and I was outside at one point looking at some leaflets - pretended not to see her as she walked past me and I could see she noticed me in the corner of my eye but she didn't say anything so I'm thinking she's not interested. I might have come across as a creep but I think I'll play it safe from now on and not go back to that shop for a few weeks!

  • Well being unavailable is attractive...lol.

    Yeah do what makes you feel happy, calm and play with all of this.

    You have your whole life to find 'the one', meantime talk to all the girls, I find my endless search for interesting conversations brings me all sort of lovely experiences, Im just super nosey :-) Ive been asked out a few times, just because Ive asked genuine questions! So my top tip, be interested in life and life will come towards you :-) No effort involved. Oh and dont forget to have a fun and a little giggle where you can.


  • Yes I do believe asking questions is a good way to keep a conversation going. Maybe I'll visit again in a few weeks and play it cool. If not I'll just carry on enjoying my own company for a while. X

  • Hi

    I feel sad about what you have written, mainly because your self-confidence seems so low and you seem to be more worried about whether the girl likes you than whether you like her. If you like her then you can be as friendly towards her as you naturally feel - hold onto the fact that you don't know whether she would like to know you better, but that she might, so you can try talking with her about whatever you would like to say and see how she responds. If she responds positively you might try saying that you enjoy talking with her and see how she responds. If she likes you she will probably agree, if not then you can just continue being friendly and leave it to her whether things progress into anything more than that. Just give it a go. I think playing cool when that is not what you feel will give her the wrong messages, like game-playing, far better to be honest and be yourself, but just not TOO forward. Do you have any mates you can talk to about it? Just enjoy talking with people and you will find things will develop naturally from one conversation rather than worrying about what the other person thinks of you.


  • Thanks for your comments Sue. I am going to go back after a while as I feel I may visit too much even if I am just buying a bottle of water! What you say makes a lot of sense, I should be okay if I play it cool x

  • Just ask her if she'd like to do something casual with you some time, eg. go to the beach, national park, have a burger- whatever is nearby and where you can TALK. The movies is no good and going out to dinner is a bit confronting for a first date in your case I reckon. She may say "No", so be prepared. You'll never know till you ask. I'm an older female who mainly gave up on guys asking me out when I was young so I took over and asked them. Nearly always worked! I didn't think I was nice-looking or anything, but I knew they'd find me at least interesting if we could just talk. :-) If you can't get up the courage to ask- pass her a post-it note with your invitation!

  • You'll never know if you don't ask !!

    She can only say no, but she could say yes, which is better than not knowing!

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