I havent slept now for four nights, except the ocassional 15-20 min sleep, during that time I have horrific nightmares, and am terrified of sleep. I havent stopped panicking for weeks, and have taken more and more medication every night, still with no sleep. Cutting myself doesnt seem to be enough at the moment, and am having to hit my head an pull out my hair, and last night I tried to phone breathing space, but they just shouted at me and told me there was no point speaking to them because I was too wound up for them to be able to help. They just told me to go to bed. Im really sorry for having to share this, but ive started wetting my bed uncontrollably, only in the past month. I feel so ashamed of what ive become and hate myself for everything; but not amount of punishment seems to be enough anymore. People on here have told me im not alone, but in reality I have to face it, I am alone. I see / speak to nobody, except people on here occasionally, thats it. And it is very lonley. I feel so guilty for everything that has happened, and for becoming a complete freak. I have run out of options, there is nothing I can do about it, I know I should be able to just 'be normal' again, and even go outside, eat etc, but I have become completely useless. I really wish I didnt have to be here, what is the point? I know how I want to die, but I will have to wait a long time, because I need to do it in winter. I have researched hundreds of possible options, but keep coming back to the same answer. I know what hypothermia feels like, and im too much of a wimp to do anything else (got a vomit phobia...im more scared of being sick than dying). But its still only just Autumn, its just agony how slowly the time is going
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