It's unfair really, to think about how we never really gotten to choose to be alive or not
Our parents had sex and now we were forced into the world
I think about sleeping and never waking up all the time
I'm only eighteen and I'm so done trying
I don't drive cause I'm afraid I'd drive right into a tree
The first time I ever had the urge of rushing into a busy highway was when I was nine and it never really went away since
I always and always tell myself I have such a wonderful family that loves me unconditionally and I should be very thankful and that I'm really lucky
But every time I try to tell myself off from being an ungrateful whining bitchy princess I get even more depressed and I hate myself to the new highest point
I truly loathe and am irritated and disgusted by myself
I don't even know who I really am, hell, I don't even know what I am
Written by
Hannahhannah
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20 Replies
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Oh Hannah, please please talk to someone now! Make a call to either your doctor or the Samaritans, do not be alone with your thoughts at the moment, believe me you cannot trust your emotions they are putting all sorts of thoughts into your head that you must not believe.
You should never be telling yourself you are ungrateful to start with, everyone gets feelings such as these and thinks they should be grateful for what they have, but we don’t always, you just need to accept that and move onto something else rather than get stuck with any feelings of guilt. You feel how you feel at the moment, this isn’t good and you just need some help to show you the world is a good place which you can and will be happy in.
Depression is a terrible thing, it takes away all rational thoughts, but it’s not who you are and you can fight this and find happiness, so please hang on in there.
There are so many of us here that have been in the same place and everyone supports each other, which is what you need there is so much that can help get through this, so please believe help will come to you.
Eighteen is such a difficult age, you have the whole world ahead of you but don’t know which way to turn, that’s ok, you just need to pick up some tool and focus along the way and things will get better.
Dear moni, thank you so much! Your kind words made me feel so much better.
However I never seemed help and don't think I ever will, it's just really hard for me to tell my feelings. I always think of dying but deep down I know I'll live for the people who loves me.
Lovely to see you back here and hope you stick around and get to know everyone. I think it could help a lot as this is such a safe place to come and just be yourself.
When I read your reply in the very early hours of this morning I wanted to talk back straight away, but was afraid that what I may say was not the right thing? I can be so full of personal stories after having tried so many things over the years, but in all honesty I don’t think these would help you to know.
We can all say we know how you feel and have been there, but this is something you must take at face value, as none of us know what it is like for you! Sure we can empathise and will do that, but the nice thing about being who you are is that you are also unique in every way, unfortunately including your suffering.
But every one here understands that and all want to help each other in any which way we can. I am afraid I am one of the ‘long winded ones’, I often wish I could be succinct and short, but it just never happens
So if you have the patience to read on, this is what happened this morning
I get up very early so that I can practice on my piano before going to work, and as much as I wanted to give you another reply, I thought it best to hold back.
So for two hours I was working on trying to play a jazz arrangement of ‘somewhere over the rainbow’ and thinking of what I could say back. I have the music right in front of me, but find it too difficult to read the music and play the piano at the same time! so my idea is to first memorise it then play it? now that sounds as crazy as it is!
So instead of reading what’s right in front of my eyes, I am sitting here like a nut case just trying to play from memory! After two hours I did it!
Now you might be rolling your eyes back saying, oh boy what is this person on!! and quite rightly, but bare with me for a little while….. the thing is I have been trying to play this so far for a couple of weeks, and always repeating this same ridicules routine, and even though this morning like all the others, I ended up being able to achieve what I set out to, I know very well that tomorrow I will have to go through the same ridicules procedure again, I have no idea why, but know that if I keep doing this for however long it takes, I will get this locked so tight in my memory that I can then work on all the other parts in trying to play this piece of music well.
So why am I telling you this particular silly story? Well, I can’t personally recommend any particular therapy or drugs because they are not success stories for me, but I tried them, sometimes I came off better and sometimes much worse, but I’m still here.
I also can’t say that I have cured my depression, because that would be a lie also, but I can say I experience a lot of happiness and joy, I can wake up in the morning praying to a God I don’t believe in that today will be the last day of my life, and still manage to live it to the best of my ability and have a wonderful day sometimes.
Depression can be hard to live with, but you don’t have to let it rule your life. I find that when I am at the stage of attempting suicide I have built up so much strength, otherwise I couldn’t do some of the things I have done in the past! I have learnt what I am capable of , so now I constantly work towards directing some of those strengths in the opposite direction and make the most of the life I have and try not to think of how it will end.
My telling you about this mornings piano playing, is my way of saying to me that’s also what life is, you repeat over and over something that others seem to do with ease sometimes, I have learnt that all I can do is just that, not criticise myself for being such a numpty that it takes me this long! but accepting that for me it will take a bit longer to get there.
But even with all my work, I still pick up loads of tools along the way that help me, with piano I now have a teacher who is my biggest guidance in always moving forward, (having spent the last nine years not moving much) someone to talk to somtimes gives me so much strength.
Once you find the right person who helps you, it’s not that they suddenly make you someone you want to be, they just understand what you want and know they can help you do it! it’s not that any of us need praise or even a pat on the back or even to be liked sometimes! All those things are out of our control and are just nice when they happen.
We need faith in our own abilities and even though we ourselves put in all that hard work, it’s the help we find from others that sometimes makes us realise we have all got these capabilities and strengths even when our minds cast so much doubt in side.
My heart goes out to you Hannah, so please just keep your self open to always trying new things, new experiences, see what others here try and give some of them a go, find what helps and don’t ever be hard on yourself if it doesn’t, just constantly move onto the next.
As you get to know us all, you will see we can laugh at ourselves and cry, we all make mistakes, and boy so do some of the people we hold close to us!! it’s good to be human, but it may not ever be easy! As the saying goes, the world is your oyster and you are merely the pearl in side of it!
With a little help you will soon be able to see a little further than the black cloud that is currently hovering over your head, so please just keep edging yourself into the sunshine xxxx
Well I did warn you I am very long winded!!! Dip you toes in, the water here is lovely, don't live for those around you , live for yourself, you will have so much more fun .
Hi Hannah, you say that you punish yourself for having negative feelings... that's guilt, and of course it makes us feel worse. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you are feeling. A feeling doesn't have to be justified, it's something inside you, it happens, it's just biochemistry. Try not to blame yourself. I'm sure you have a lot to offer. Do you have any dreams? I hope you will be OK. X
I'll try not to blame myself, but I always think I need to have reasons to be unhappy just so everyone around me doesn't think I'm just being childish it puts up an image. And i do have dreams I know that'll never happen
I can't really add much more to what Monib says. It's normal for people with depression to feel upset for no reason, even when a person has everything they think they need; and to experience feelings of low - sometimes cripplingly low - self esteem, even when they are loved unconditionally. It's all part of the condition.
It's never nice being 18 either, because you're essentially still growing up and have the related problems of being a teenager: the desire to fit in, finding out who you are, hormone imbalances - but you are officially classed as an 'adult' and have the added pressure of looming responsibilities. You also have difficult choices to make, so it's a very uncertain age. I hated being 18. Probably in the back of your mind, you're aware of how much of being alive is still ahead of you, and you feel an exhausted, 'sinking' feeling about it.
But it can get better, you don't have to go on living with feeling this way forever, there is help out there. So take Monib's advice, talk to someone you trust and seek professional help. I know you might think you don't deserve it but you do. The fact you're so hard on yourself proves what a lovely person you are.
Fay thank you thank you you really get a lot of it. However sadly I don't really trust anyone I never had someone I could speak with, nor do I think I'm comfortable in telling others how I feel. but I feel quite comfortable to be here. I believe my future won't be such a great deal though....haha. Thanks fay x
Hi Hannah no problem. I'm glad you were reassured from my response. I'm glad you feel comfortable on here, this is a lovely, friendly and caring community, so just want to say welcome aboard as I haven't already. I'm sorry you don't feel there's someone you trust enough to speak to, and that you don't feel comfortable telling other people how you feel. I do think it would be worth getting help though, if you can, even if you don't want to speak to someone close to home. No one else has to know apart from you and your doctor if you arrange an appointment with them, they are obliged respect confidentiality - and as you're over 18 they can't inform anyone else like your next of kin, without breeching this. Perhaps you could write down how you feel, or even just print off this post you've already written, and show it them? It's just a thought.
Hope you feel better and look forward to bumping into you on the site in the future.
I love the word abhor. It's not used nearly enough! If it's any consolation, it's very normal to imagine driving your car into a tree or a wall. My therapist told me it's a natural response to feeling completely overwhelmed. I guess things might look a bit different if you actually did it though. The thing with having depression is that it doesn't matter how lovely your family are, or what you've got going for you. If you're gonna be depressed, you're gonna be depressed. I think certain people are predisposed to it, regardless of their setup. I find that concept of being thrown into the world by our parents having sex really interesting. You sound like you have a very creative mind. Chat some more x
Hi Lucy, thank you. I'd never been diagnosed with depression though it was until recently that I'd thought about it as a reason to why I'm always sad. Took a few tests and they show that I do have depression, though I'm still quite in denial.. Haha. I always think I should be better and less weak. Meet expectations, bla bla bla. It's a lot.
I have these feeling and I am 56! I think it is identity problems and I have these sorts of thoughts all the time (not that that is much consolation I know)
Just try and keep yourself as calm as possible. I did read the other replies and I agree with Lucy that if you actually did that thing it would mean something entirely different . Having these sorts of thoughts i have learned is to a certain extent completely normal when suffering from mental distress. I believe it is a result of feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope rather than a real desire.
If it is a real desire then you need to get help a.s.a.p as Monib says.
Thanks gemma! You seem like a really nice person x
I agree maybe I really am overwhelmed and stressed. I hope it goes away soon. I don't know if its a real desire but had the people I love and love me not been here it would definitely happen.
A lot of people feel like this at times - I have tought that maybe it would have been better if I'd never been born. Some people may have been better off, like my parents. They coudl have been happier. But a lot of people think like this.
To think like this constantly will be wearing you down and is unhealthy. I think you should speak to your doctor. Tell him what is deep down in your thoughts and feleings. You may find he will give you medication or self-help techniques to help you manage these feelings.
I really do believe everything would be so much better had I not been born. It sticks to me most than any other thoughts or feelings. I have my graduation exam in a month's time or so and I just know that I'll let my family down. But oh well.
With all due respect, that first sentence doesn't make sense. What I mean by this is that things wouldn't be better if you hadn't been born because you simply wouldn't exist. It presents a mind-boggling situation (maybe it can be described as a paradox?) because you have had an effect on the world (all the good things included) and these things wouldn't have happend if you hadn't been born.
So who's to say the world would be better off without you?
I'm sure your family wouldn't trade you for anything in the world. We all think like this sometimes but our parents would be upset to know if we thought like that regularly.
Don't even think the word "fail" when it comes to your exams. That was something I learned at uni. Even if you think "I won't fail" you are still putting that negative thought in your head. You should instead think "I will pass" xx
I have a family who loves me but knows absolutely nothing about me. And it's as though I can never be sad in front of them because its weakness and immaturity to them. And I have expectations to reach and my image to keep.
Recently I'm also getting really demotivated, I would lie on bed doing nothing but I just couldn't get myself to start studying. I don't know how to motivate myself?
ps sorry for boring you with my ranting you don't have to reply if you don't wish tohave a nice day x
It is sad that you feel so negatively about yourself and your life - however the fact that you NEARLY rushed into a busy highway but did NOT suggests you also very much want to remain alive. You seem to lose touch with those positive life affirming feelings probably because you believe no-one knows how bad you also feel (your negative feelings). You say you have 'a wonderful family' and that they love you unconditionally - but if that were completely true you would be a happy person. You are not - and that suggest they failed to meet your emotional needs in some way and as a result you loathe yourself - a child who is truly loved does not loathe themselves. I would suggest your parents love you as they think you are but that they actually do not know who you are, hence your also not knowing who you are - they failed to recognise your actual personality but loved their son or daughter rather than you. I think you state that very clearly in your response to moni where you say you presently live for the people who love you - rather than as yourself and for yourself.
I think you should seriously consider talking with a psychoanalytic psychotherapist. You are not being ungrateful or whiney - why would you think that about yourself if your parents accept you as you are - and you are certainly not being a bitch. Self-loathing such as yours is generally the result of some very negative experiences, sometimes emotional or sexual abuse - perhaps by someone other than your parents? Not knowing who you are indicates that you are not in touch with your inner self, a psychotherapist could help you find who that person is.
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I Don't Know Anymore
Don't Know what i am feeling ): 
I don't know what to do
I don't know any more 
I don't know what to do with my life
