New and needing advice

Hello Everyone,

I'm new here.. I have struggled on and off with depression my entire life, but lately it feels like too much to handle on my own.. I wanted to kind of write out a few things that have gone on in my life and I hope maybe some of you can give me a different perspective or some advice on what is going on in my life at this point. I'll try to keep things short and to the point, thank you for taking the time to read.

Growing up I always had self esteem issues. I had a normal amount of friends, played a lot of sports.. basically had a pretty good childhood. When I became a teenager, despite playing sports I started to gain a lot of weight. At this point, my mother (who would drink 4-5 glasses of wine a night since i was young) began drinking a lot more. She would come into my room late at night and wake me up to tell me how fat I've gotten and how no boys would ever like me if I was fat. My dad would also talk to me about my weight (which at the highest in highschool was 170 - so not enormous for 5'5'') but in a nice/normal way just wanting me to be healthy. Finally, my dad brought me to the doctor and it turned out I had severe hypothyroidism which caused the weight gain. I was put on medication, but it took years for me to be regulated. At this point I felt like it was took late emotionally for me to feel good about myself. The diagnosis did not stop my mother's late night hounding.

At this point I also started drinking which led to a lot of different drugs. I also started to self-harm. I confided in a close friend who told a teacher. From that point on I really kept my emotion to myself. I still maintained good grades in highschool and into college, but always felt extremely down on myself especially relating to appearance. While drinking I did a lot of things that I am not proud of.. I don't need to go into detail, but I still feel extreme guilt and disgust regarding a lot of things. I never throughout adolescence had a boyfriend (that lasted longer then 1 month) because I felt I did not deserve anyone. My rock bottom was getting into Veterinary School and then being forced to drop out due to cocaine use. At this point I went into an outpatient program which did not help me.

Not long after I met my now fiance. Our relationship started with drinking a lot together, but resulted in us getting sober together. I have been sober for almost 3 years. I exercised 4 times weekly and was on a really healthy diet and weighed a lot less then even my high school weight, but still feel horrible when I look in the mirror. Now, I feel like I dont deserve him, I feel like I do not look good enough for him. When he is angry he tells me I look like "I dont take care of myself" and a lot of other degrading things. Overall we have a good relationship, there is just a lot of anger issues. Generally, I wear scrubs, i wear my hair up for work.. I put on make up and hair down on the weekend. I really was exhausted from the overtime and hours I would put into work to take time to look good during the week. I always work 2 jobs over 60-70 hrs per week. Despite all the hours I am also In financial hardship due to the excessive amount of student loans I have for schooling I did not even finish.

I know my thoughts are all over the place, but also during this time my mother and father got a divorce after 25 years of marriage. My drunk idiot mother cheated on him and stole a lot of money from him.. and from me.. right out of my account. I haven't spoken to her in 4 years. Now my sister is an alcoholic, she is living with me and my dad and fiance and she got fired from her job for drinking. MY dad is extremely depressed and bought a broken down house to fix up for us to live in (since my student loans don't allow me an apartment) and since he is so depressed all the time he does not fix anything, and we are living in broken down, dirty moldy conditions - which causes strain between me and my fiance because he always wants me to confront my father. I have to watch my father be miserable, which kills me because he means the world to me. And I feel like I have no say to my sister because I also drank alot (although not nearly to the point where she is now) and I am afraid she is going to die.

To top it all off -- I finally got an amazing career and was there for 2 months when a women swerved into my fiances lane while he was driving (i was passenger) and hit us head on. I suffered a broken leg and needed 7 screws and a plate put in. I am facing more surgery now -- It is currently 3 months post accident. From being confined to bed and inactive I gained 15 pounds.. I can barely take a shower due to extreme pain so I never look good and my clothes dont fit me. MY leg looks like garbage because it is mishapen and scarred. I was recently diagnosed with Lyme disease -- so on top of the vicodan making me nauseas I am completely exhausted but I am also unable to sleep. The medical bills are straining me financially, disability isnt paying much and I am concerned about my new job.

Everything is a mess. I know I didn't write down everything and there are a lot of details I left out. I just feel hopeless. I know a lot of my strain in the past years was due to my own fault. But over the last 4 years I have done an extreme amount of self improvement and now I really just do not feel like I will ever get ahead. I cant look myself straight in the mirror, I feel myself getting more and more recluse, I do not want to see anyone or talk to anyone longer then I have too. I just feel like trash. Also, I feel like an overwhelming sense of sadness when I think about things going on in the world, really not even related to me, I cant explain it. And I constantly have fears of the house burning down while my animals are inside. So I feel like I shouldnt even leave my house.. All these weird fears are starting to scare me. I really dont want to be on meds as I am on a million right now and have seen some bad side effects with depression medication use in my family. I feel stuck with no way out and have visions of self harm and horrible nightmares.. I don't know what to do anymore.

7 Replies

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  • God bless you. Think of the long way you have come since your lowest point ! Really.....think of that and know that you are a winner and that you deserve A LOT of credit.

    I think a good counselor could help you get things in perspective and help you stay on

    top of things. Also, do you have any good friends you could talk to. Do you have a

    minister, priest or other clergy you could counsel with to help you get everything

    outside of you.

    Please try these suggestions to help you complete your recovery.

    I don't know you personally, but I find I care a lot about your progress !

    Here is my email address if you want to write me.

    Best of luck to you. I shall be thinking of you !

    Sincerely,

    Annie

    eabartz@tcq.net

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  • Hi sweetheart

    Thank you for sharing your story, you will find a very supportive group here and it’s lovely having you join us.

    You have had a very traumatic life, but I know it’s hard when you so down, but your life has also given you so much strength inside, that is easy to see by what you have achieved and fought for yourself, you have done so much all against the odds and that all makes you one amazing person! So once your emotions again get back under control please make sure you remind yourself of that now and again xx.

    For now you just have far too much of a burden to shoulder, so don’t go it alone, get as much support for your mental state as possible, talking and off loading some of it will help. On here you also find lots of self help tools like meditation and relaxation, none of this can change your circumstances, but will help you weather the storm.

    Sometimes it’s these little things along side the therapies and physical treatments that can do so much good.

    I think we all are guilty of worrying about things that really are not in our control like finances, I always have, a few years ago I had such awful burdens trying to keep my home and really never believed that it would have been possible and sometimes even wished I had lost it so it wouldn’t have been so difficult, but as that worry slipped into the background and others took it’s place, very unexpected life experience lessened that one problem tremendously, What I am saying is we really don’t know what is round the corner, so sometimes just have to stick around through the struggle to find out.

    We are all with you here and send lots of hugs and wishes. Fight each day as it comes and hope tomorrow will bring a little sunshine as wellxxxxxxx

  • Hi there, and welcome.

    I was really quite taken aback by how much you've experienced. You have a huge amount going on for you at the moment and one thing I can relate to is growing up with an alcoholic Mum. I think in some ways having someone close to you who is dependent on alcohol is worse than them taking drugs, although alcohol IS a drug, I appreciate that.

    What kind of help / therapy have you had so far?

    Lucy x

  • Hello everyone and thank you for all the responses! You have all made me feel a lot better about the situation. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to complain or feel the way that I do. It's just really overwhelming sometimes.

    The only help I've ever gotten was going to the outpatient program. I feel like the people there weren't looking to help anyone they just wanted everyone to get through the course as quick as possible.

    I had a few close friends but have since pushed most people away besides my fiancee. I feel like I shouldnt talk to him though I don't want to scare him. He really I'd all that I have right now, and most days I am completely fine with that.

    I would be up for trying a counselor, I'm not good at speaking out loud/face to face about my problems.. so it may be slow for a while.

    I used to do yoga and that really really helped! But now I cant do much exercising and the doctor said it could be a year before om even close to being "normal" and may never have 100% function of my knee.

    Thank you again

  • Please never feel you shouldn't complain or vent after all you have been though, trying to suffer in silance can be cripling and there are so many that want to be there for you xx,

    Sounds good to get back to yoga again, nice and gentel xx my attitude was to never accept what a doctor says if it's not want you want to here if you have suffered from such a devesting accident like you have. There is a lot of information now on the benifits of micro current healing, you might be interested to read up on that works along side the treatments you have?

    I know where you comming from about speaking face to face, it's not something I can do, as over the years I have developed too many social anxieties on top of the depression. But everything is always worth a try, you never know if the next councilor could be the one you find easier to open up to?

    take care, lots of hugs, moni xxx

  • First of all gosh havent you been through the mill.

    sometimes people drink instead of going to the doctor to say they feel crap. They use it to dull the pain. Then they become addicted. So maybe they were depressed.

    Depression can run in families. Mother , Father Sister ect.

    Some people have addictive tenancies.

    Having an accident can set off becoming depressed ( the shock). Not being able to do the things you used to do to keep active and slimmer. The shock, its like bereavement, loosing or missing the person you once was. Loosing the childhood you should of had, wanting a better childhood ect.

    Certainly a person centred counsellor with work on the inner child. Can help you with the feelings your left with. Understanding them more, becoming less angry at them, then coming out the otherside , forgiving them.

    The anger you feel is part of it, and you are possibly inverting that anger into you, by hurting yourself. The hurt, and frustration of wanting to tell them how crap they made you feel sometimes. Feelings of abandoned by them.

    Maybe the whole family at some point may benefit, but just think about you right now.

    Being honest with yourself and others,,, dont keep the family secrets anymore. (the drinking) dont cover up from them either. Just get yourself better, sorted, maybe you need to concentrate on yourself, come what may.

    If your father mother need help they will have to ask for it. As you will hve to do, go see your gp and tell him, her how you been feeling. It starts from here.

    Good luck take care, were all here for you

    L

  • Thank you

    Yeah I really do think I just need to give it a go and talk to someone.. its hard to talk to anyone in the family, they all have their own issues. It's nice to have an unbiased opinion and someone who won't judge.

    That is a good point about bereavement.. I was depressed before, buy since the accident it really does feel different .. a lot different. True hopelessness and aggravation from being in so much pain.

    Thank you again everyone

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