Something off my chest

My BF is a selfish, self obsessed wanker!.....oooh that feels good, just to say it.

I'm not looking for sympathy I'm far from perfect and please don't tell me to leave him, if I was capable of doing that I would have done it a long time ago. It's just right now I would like the arrogant git to fall down a very deep black hole! I'm afraid the naughty corner isn't enough.

As for being able to tell him I suffer from depression, he's just like my mother it would be a sign of weakness and he'd use it against me. I'm sharing here because you're nice people and I don't think you will mind. Why people have to be sooo mean all in the name of power and control!

I feel like giving up, but I wont! No one is going to make me give up. I will die defending my right to be myself and lead a decent life and to be treated well. Please don't ask me to defend our relationship, I cant always, when it's good it's lovely and he can be a very kind man. However right now he's heaping untold pressure on me and I'm not taking it lying down and Im sure you can guess it isn't going well.

I know every thing in life is my responsibility, Im not stupid and if I choose to stay with him well I deserve to feel like this; but sometimes just sometimes I feel if I do my best and I do, that should matter, not just to him but the Universe.

Oh look I'm just venting and maybe this is all rubbish, my biggest problem is I remember, I remember what it was like to be sooo loved, so cared for, I miss that. Even to be liked and looked for, maybe the fault isn't his, maybe it's my memory of better times.

33 Replies

  • Hey Caroline

    Same here with husband, it's their way of "dealing" with it. I am told I'd be better off alone but can't face that. Very tricky.

    Keep venting and don't worry about doing so xx

  • You're so kind SLSL. I'm sorry you feel the same, I don't want that, I want you to be happy, I believe happiness should be our natural state.

    People say should leave like it's your partners fault but essentially it's your own and then collectively both, as it takes two to tango. However often it doesn't feel like that. I don't know if you should leave, Im a great romantic I believe in people staying together and finding the joy somewhere. I don't believe people are bad, they just do mean selfish things sometimes. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you. Your Husband loved you so much he married you, I don't believe its a small thing. And reading between the lines there is an implied fondness on your part.

    Thank you so much for saying you understand and not making me feel so alone.


  • Caroline ! It sounds so fantastic to hear you saying this! Yes of course he is and you have every right to say it too. I do hope no-one objects to your language as I feel you are just expressing yourself and I personally really love the way you express yourself as it is so open.

    You have every right as well NOT to leave him OR to leave him OR anything at all. I am sure you are not perfect but you don't have to be perfect to object to the antics of someone who is self obsessed.

    As you know a little about me you will know I've spent almost my entire life being controlled by a narcissist. No she isn't ALL BAD (my mum) ; of course not but really it is not right to be treated like this as we are all equal in life. I don't know enough about your situation to all out state you are involved with narcissists but I do feel there are tendencies with the two people you talk about (your mum and your boyfriend)

    Caroline this is a little bit of my pet project at the moment but have you looked at Compassion Focussed Therapy at all? Paul Gilbert does workshops on it on You tube and they are free ( not Paul Gilbert the guitarist by the way though that could be therapeutic; this is Paul Gilbert the psychologist)

    Go have a nice bubble bath or something like that and imagine just being free in yourself; just picture it; it's a nice idea isn't it?

    Also actually I need to say none of what you write or feel is EVER rubbish. It is always very meaningful.

    Gemmalouise XXx

  • Gemma

    You're always so kind to me, thank you very much. Thing is I don't want this arguement I have had with the BF to fold in on me. You know first you feel angry, then you feel guilty about feeling angry and then you feel depressed and worthless. So I thought if I vented I could stop that spiral.

    Part of the problem is he is forcing me to face Australia, he as decided to go back and I wasn't even consulted, now I have to deal with the aftermath. Are we both going or is it just him, its all so aweful. Emgrating isn't easy, they want all sorts of documents and proof, also it might be easer if I had a job. If I'm honest I am afraid of being alone in a new country. I have isolate myself from pretty much all my friends because of my depression and only have my family, who sometimes help, sometimes hinder.

    Right now Oz seems like a big scary place. I'm not afraid of being alone and I'm not afraid of meeting new people, I'm sure I could make it work. That said when I'm reaaaallly depressed I shut down, close myself off. Im not interested in speaking to anyone and I need that space to reconstruct myself, heal, its not something I can do in public and if spend tooo much time alone I think I just become ill.

    I'm sure you're you can empathise, but because of my background as irrational as it is, I feel I'm being punished. Personally punished, when I read the stories here I know Im not alone. I fight hard, sometimes too hard to defend myself. He often doesn't understand, how could he, to have been treated as badly as I was and not come out scarred would be a miracle, I cant always help how I am. Damaged goods, doesnt make me a bad person though.

    You've mentioned Paul Gilbert and I will look , but I want to look when Im ready to listen and I know I'm not right now, but that will change.

    You should be able to tell someone you love, you suffer from depression without the fear they will use it against you, I only wish that were true.

    I'm sorry I'm such a miserable cow, really I am. I have no right to say these things as if somehow Im special or different, I just think I'd like it to stop. I'd like to know how when you've been trained like Pavlov's dog you can stop without ending up on an island all alone.

    I'm rambling,Im sorry.

    I know this will pass.

    But I am deeply grateful for the support.


  • Hi Caroline good for you for letting it out. I live a line at the moment.

    I could write a good about relationships, as Lucy says it's your own business. No one knows the dynamics of any relationship, so I'm not going to tell you to leave or stay,

    I went to an excellent therapist many years ago, I was in a relationship with a " Nice" man who was cold and emotionally bereft.

    The Therapist helped me to se what was happening and made me

    Look at the consequences of my not making a decision. She also

    Said that when the pain gets too much, you leave.

    Caroline I'm not saying your BF is like this, maybe he just does

    Not understand Depression and feels helpless and he may feel that he is not enough.

    Emigration is a big big step and I would imagine you would need

    A stable relationship to survive it. How long have you been

    In present relationship?

    Ok Caroline try and relax and just take care of you, leave him

    To his own devices and you Watch TV, read a good book or Phone

    A friend or family for support.

    Hugs and hugs

    Hannah x

  • Hi Hannah

    Thank you.

    About 3 years.

    Hannah, Im a little unwell truth be told and because of my background I don't respond as a person might who came from a stable background. I endured things no child should endure at the hands of my parents and later a violent BF I had for years.

    Inside Im somewhat messed up, but I continue to work on myself and Im a good person. None of this is his fault in all honesty, he doesn't know of my depression or if he does he doesn't say anything. He has said I need not think the world is against me.

    I have worked hard to find some small place in this world where I can function. Often I'm okay but when someone corners me or my BF speaks to me in the wrong way, I can't cope and I have over reacted. I need to feel I can make a relationship work, we have a chance, but I cant find a way to explain to him so he understands. He knows I had a bad start in life but often forgets, he doesn't know, nor cares to know the details and I don't care to share. I just wish I could have a special dispensation, you know like you might have with stairs if you'd just broken your leg. My wounds are very real and just because he cant see them, has not experience of these things, doesn't mean he should kick me when Im down and expect me to bounce back.

    I don't want my past but I can do nothing to change it, all I have is the here and now and the future and believe me I try. I try to get better, have improved slowly, but men don't allow special dispensations. If he could just endure for one day what I endured for years, well things would be different. People can only really deal with what they know and understand.

    I envy you your cat, because I had a dog and he forgave me everything.

    In the past I have been made to feel I do not have a right to life, but I do and I need to remind myself of that, I have a right Hannah, we all do.

    Thank you for your unerring kindness.


  • Hi Caroline I am so sorry that you endured a bad childhood, that must hVe been awful.

    Maybe your BF is doing his best to understand, and I

    Know that if I'm In. Relationship , I tend to feel

    Insecure. Caroline you are. Lovely witty bright woman,

    Who gets upset now and again,

    Just be yourself , and accept your BF is doing the best

    He can. Depressives like us are not easy to live with, so

    Cut him a bit of slack. Come here on your little

    Soapbox and vent.



  • Thing is as a child you have so little recourse, little or no defence. My mother was ill, mentally ill of course, I didnt know at the time an in those days you didn't go for help (ie She wouldnt have thought there was anything wrong with her) and I'd rather not discuss Dad at all. Ultimately their parents where cruel to them and bad habits get handed down.

    I don't live with my BF and I'm extremely kind to him, he is often kind to me but then its as if he cant help himself. I over react to any hint of bad treatment. We have a number of issues between us and for all that it may seem I'm hard on, him he is hard on me. My difficulty is I do it through defence, I am merely defending myself, I don't know why he does it.

    As much as he doesn't understand my abuse, I don't understand his lack of abuse and consequent reactions.

    Cut him some slack, sometimes I feel so damaged inside I don't feel I have the right to be with anyone, I try really hard to be the best girlfriend I can be.

    I don't know if he does his best or merely what he feels he needs to, he has never said he loves me, I feel shame in admitting that.

    Thank you Hannah for being so kind and trying to reassure me, a true romantic, not many of us left xx

  • You're an intelligent person, you don't need to be told what to do. If you're happy to live with it, it's no one else's business. And if having a rant helps, then go for it! X

  • Thanks Lucy. Often I use humour to get me past things and I find it helps, so I half jest and the other half would like him to eat a burnt sausage sandwich! XX

  • I think if you can manage to find humour in a difficult situation, you're half way to making it better x

  • Lol :-)

  • Oh Bless you Caroline, I can see how much you are suffering right now Caroline.

    You are not to blame for what is going on right now. It is not wrong for you to be scared about going to Australia or to want your boyfriend to understand that you are depressed. Even if you had never ever had any problems in the past having these sorts of feelings would not be wrong; they are just what anyone would feel.

    I feel you are putting yourself down and blaming yourself for the problems that you have been subjected to in the past. It wasn't you doing these awful things; it was someone else doing awful things to you; like the beatings and so forth.

    Just as now there is nothing wrong at all with how distressed you are feeling and a nice person WILL CARE about you and NOT consider you stupid for having needs.

    I don't know if you have looked on the PTSD site at all as I think some of this could relate to you.

    I saw a post earlier which really spoke to me. It said there are unwritten rules in dysfunctional families which are either

    1. Don't talk

    2. Don't trust

    3. Don't feel

    (or all three of these)

    I would say you have picked up the message not to feel as it has been suggested that your feelings are wrong. I would like to tell you now that THEY ARE NOT WRONG. IT IS PERFECTLY NATURAL FOR YOU TO HAVE NEEDS AND TO NEED REASSURANCE AND UNDERSTANDING. YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT WRONG CAROLINE.

    I have just PM's you all this and a bit more X

    Caroline I hope you are ok. You are very important to me and I really care about how you are Caroline.

    We all support each other and we will be here for you Caroline just to remind you what a worthwhile and perfectly ok person you are; you just need TLC as we all do.


  • Hi Gemma just read this about dysfunctional families, in our family

    We never talked. It was like the elephant I. The room

    This too has made it hard for me to speak up, I know I'm not assertive

    Enough in some situations. But I'm learning and improving bit by bit.

    Thanks for this Post

    Hannah x

  • Wait are there any functional

    Just kidding occasionally you hear of one.

    Thing is about speaking up is sometimes the time is past. My mother is successfully rewriting history and is too old to face with anything now, its all over long gone. She's mellowed a lot and I am grateful for that, every now and then the beast rears its ugly head but Im no longer a child, I can handle myself and my father is dead. I think more now its about talking to myself, reassuring myself, finding better ways to cope, unlearning responses where I can.

    I may always be unwell, or one day with practice I may wake up with no gut reactions to anything! You may not be able to draw me on anything...wouldnt that be nice.

    I have a request Hannah, when you have a mo can we have another photo of your cat?

    If I get to Oz maybe I can have a dog, maybe not but nothing wrong in hoping.


  • Caroline I will post Photo for you. Can't remember which one

    I posted before. Lol

    Hannah and Luna

  • Thank you Gemma. I will look at PTSD, when Im feeling a little better thank you.

    I don't know about wrong or right, I just know that ultimately even my patience runs out, I swallow alot down and then the last straw appears and I am unable to cope.

    All I know is right or wrong I can only defend myself and sometimes that means I go on the attack, like a cornered animal. My parents worked hard on me and nearly destroyed me as a person, Im sorry that's just how thing were, I came out the other side but not unscathed, Im marked Gemma.

    I believe in change, I believe I can become the person I was always supposed to be, if I'd just had a chance, if I'd just had a stable life, Im still in there. I didn't come into this world like this and shan't leave this way if I can do better. I cant be the sum of what happened to me and I can't allow people to take me back there. Im sure you understand.

    Thank you XX

  • Yes I understand Caroline. You are right you did not come into the world like this and many of us on here have felt like damaged goods or "marked characers" . It isn't something to be critical of yourself about but critical to those who made you feel like that. Yes you CAN become the person you always should have been, Caroline I believe that yes you can heal from all this this over time.

    Sorry i'm a little dopey now but I do just want to send you as much reassurance that I can as I care so much about you but will have to be signing off soon Caroline now for this evening. Please sleep safely my lovely Caroline XXXX

  • Thank You... Hope you sleep well my friend XXX

  • Yeah we can compare new relationships to old ones, it's what we do I'm afraid.

    Everyone can be selfish. So if you still have good times together then that's a good thing. I just hope he doesn't make your depression worse.

    This is quite a strong post actually... I like how you refuse to give up, I can feel the conviction in your words. Just don't let his bad days drag you down and you will be fine. But yeah it's hard to deal with it when someone is being selfish, especially in a relationship. It makes you wonder what the point is. Maybe humans are too damaged to actually make a relationship work. But if we don't have relationships, we can't really move forward in life. The recession has hit too hard for people to strive to be completely independent. So I don't blame you for not leaving him. I know how hard it is to leave someone, I've been there!

    I just hope you stay strong and stay true to your words. All the best xx

  • Hi,

    I think you are wise to put your problem with your BF out in front of this group. It is going to help you to see things from other points of view and will make sure you do not get 'stuck in a rut', so to speak. Just try to be open minded and really THINK about the

    different views you will get. You'll know they are trying to be objective, yet not trying

    to control your life. Just be receptive to really LISTENING. You will benefit from this group!


  • Thank you Annie for your kind and thoughtful reply. X

  • Caroline,

    I have two concerns. Firstly he has decided to go to

    Australia and hasn't discussed this huge decision prior to this with you or taken account of your feelings? Secondly, you haven't told him directly about your depression.

    I'm not telling you what to do, goodness knows I've stayed with some real selfish idiots and I struggle with communication but I am concerned that these are fundamental topics you should be able to address with someone you love and who purports to love you. Yes, I also get the fear of being judged as weak. That was also one of my concerns, but I've been with my partner for 10 years and we live together so I couldn't hold it together. He was bound to notice!

    It is also interesting that you mention 'he is just like my mother' - wonder what a therapist would make of that? I've been there myself and my partner can often display a few traits of my mothers.

    Take care of yourself,

    Sarah x

  • Here's my blunt answer for what its worth. He doesn't give a shit about you. He abuses you emotionally. He's going to Australia without discussing it with you. How many more clues do you need? You must leave him and free yourself of abuse. Finding excuses to stay is the depression talking and fear. It will NEVER be the same again. Once away from him you will only then realise why you hadn't done it sooner.

  • Hi

    Thanks for your opinion. Im not leaving him, well not to the best of my knowledge.

    True there are aspects of our relationship which need working on, but I've learnt that other people's lovers have come and gone (and I mean the 'great ones', the ones who have said 'I love you' often, given up major parts of their lives for their partners and then just as readily gone away).

    At least we have something worth working on (even if I haven't been giving that impression, in my anger, I'm sorry). My problem is he has come from a stable background and I havent , often people who haven't experienced abuse can't make the mental leap as to what that really means in your life, even if they can empathise up to a point (and maybe they shouldn't be able to?), they often dont understand and there is no dispensation for your inherited short falls, some of who I am is a product of what happened to me.

    He's a very kind man and often treats me well, the problem is mine not his (no excuses). The problem only ever lies in ourselves truth be told, if I want change I have to be the catalyst for change. If I need his attitude to change I must change my own attitude to life and problems I encounter, its not fun is it taking responsibility.

    So thank you for being kind and honest and though I cannot agree, but I appreciate you taking the time.

    For me I would prefer to be in a relationship and I can't get on with just anyone, it took time to find my partner and Im not ready to throw the towel in just yet.

    All this will come to a head soon regardless and Australia is hardly something I can take lightly.

    So I suppose watch this space.

    Thanks again.

  • Caroline I'm wondering how you are today? I hope you managed some sleep? I didn't feel as responsive as I could have been last night as I had taken my sleeping tablet by the time I wrote my second reply and so my mind was a little hazy.

    So I just want to add stuff about what you wrote about defending yourself and getting angry or maybe you fly off the handle and going a bit beserk? You feel that for this reason your feelings are not valid or you are not to be taken seriously because you are "Damaged". This is not true. For one thing the cirumstances you mention sound like they would be a MASSIVE problem to anyone. He just expects you to go to Australia and so on ..... HUH??????

    As well I want to explain something to you.

    We do grow up obviously adapting to our life circumstances. Each time one of your parents was angry or upset with you (and by the sound of it it sound horrendous what you were put through) your own internal defense mechanisms will have been set off (fight or flight). I hope this doesn't sound too much like pyschobabble but it has really helped me.

    The thing is that when you feel threatened again and sometimes even when you think you are being threatened and you are not actually being threatened (as you are on hyper alert all the time if you have had a childhood like this against the same things happening to you) you will react in the familiar way you developed which sort of worked for yourself at the time.

    When it started you were a dependent child in an unsafe world. You adapted the best you could. Maybe you even came to want punishment at some time in your life because if you expected it then at least you had some control over things and could try and make sense of a crazy situation. This is what we do as children.

    Then maybe you overcame this or overcame this somewhat ; you realised that you could never let that happen again but still inside you don't feel whole and there is a sense of guilt and shame over what has happened to you. (This is the way we react as children when bad things happen to us ; we either make out we are really bad or sometimes switch it and become bad but mainly we make out that we are bad and experience guilt and shame)

    You did not switch it. And you did move on but maybe now you overdefend yourself at times but in a more HEALTHY way ie blowing a fuse. That is better than allowing yourself to be punished ; so you have already come a long way. It may be a bit over the top but more likely is exactly what you wrote ; that you "swallow it all down" and then explode as it is the last straw. If you are not allowed to express your feelings eventually of course you will explode and it will come out full flow. )In any case whatever there is no need for guilt on your part.

    The ultimate goal now is to realise that all of this is a completely understandable and NORMAL reaction for the kind of life you have had up till now . I really think that Compassionate focussed trauma therapy would help you so much and though you are not ready to look at it right now pleased do have a look when you are ready as the free stuff is basically exactly the same as what happens in Paul Gilberts workshops and so this is something you can definately do without having to wait too long or spend too much money.

    I agree with Sarah though you are a very STRONG person. You have these pockets of you which are undermining you but they can be worked on and healed. It is easy to think you have no rights because you have a problem. I felt like this for nearly 56 years and the effect it had was to keep me locked into abusive situations. You do have rights and the "problems" you have are a reaction to your upbringing. They are not because you are intrinsically "wrong" or "bad" or "less worthy" in any way. I hope some of this is relatable.

    Love to you Caroline

    Gemmalouise XXXX

    PS You are right in your last reply to Formidable. Yes you do need to take responsibility but you also need to give yourself rights. I think you already feel very overresponsible and guilty for how you are. That side of you that is like that does need understanding as it is happening as a way of trying to protect you so be nice to that side, tune in and listen as she has worthwhile things to say to you. XXX

  • Hi Caroline my heart goes out to you. So much of what you say reminds me of myself. My father was an alcoholic and although he didn't beat me up there were times I wished he had so I could acknowledge to myself how much mental abuse I was receiving! Odd but true.

    Even now I get trauma flashbacks at strange times driving past a pub and remembering the long hours spent sitting outside them, drunks staggering past we learn these fears and rationalise them through child's eyes we would see it differently as an adult but we still have that childhood fear lurking in our hearts.

    Anyways rambling again so I will get to the point. As a child we develop defences against the horrible things that happen to us. No talking, no feelings etc. if you can look at those defences and see if you need them all anymore it can be freeing realising you don't but I am aware this process takes time so no pressure :-)

    The other point was realising I was making decisions today still using those childhood fears as guidence which meant they were based on fear and not necessarily the right thing for me to do now.

    The heart wants what the heart wants, the choice is yours just try and make it your heart you are listening to.

    Whether this is stay with your bf, go to Australia it should be in your heart

  • How Kind, How Kind, How Kind Twist1, how amazing you picked up on the alcohol?!

    My mother wasnt an alcoholic might have been easer if she had been at least you can see drink.

    Do you remember how you used to go to school and she /he would be all happy in the morning and then during the day some one or something would have upset her / him and you'd get home and all hell would break lose.

    I didnt understand until one day I was in a new college maybe I was 15/16 My friends were all alternative, you know punks, goths etc and at that time I was dressed normally so I was particularly flattered when a young punk started confiding in me, became my friend, she was a year older and knew the college well, she made me feel so welcome. Anyway it turned out her mum was an alcoholic and her mother treated her like mine treated me, only after she'd been drinking.

    The light bulb went on and all those years I had felt I shouldnt have endured the abuse, turns out I was right! The mood swings, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse. My mother would take great pleasure in 'merely smacking' me in public but also shouting about how stupid I was, what and aweful person I was. She gave me all the abuse my father should have had deserved, by that time they had split he had done his damage to me and moved on. My sister told me something I don't remember (how kind of her) that Mum would take me to a 'particular' store where she knew there would be plenty of people to see the show, to humiliate me in public (apparently she proudly told my sister how she would plan this to cheer herself up, she boasted about this just the other day, amazing).

    I would like to say on the whole my mother is 100% better than she used to be and I am most grateful to the powers that be.

    So twister I understand, poor you. Im pleased he didnt hit you, thats something. You never did deserve it and I think violence merely helps to instill the abuse more, it wouldnt have helped you in anyway and verbal abuse is enough!. My mother would beat me behind closed doors, when I was 4 I was locked in a cupboard with no light and no windows. She couldn't help herself and I have forgiven her a long time since, sometimes people simply lose their minds. Forgiveness freed me of some of what I endured.

    You're right my dangers as an adult aren't the same and I need to find away of stopping my gut reactions.

    Give me time Twister, I never stop trying! :-) XXX

  • Hi Gemma

    What a kind reply and thank you for thinking it all through so carefully.

    At lot of what you say is true, learnt responses, fight or flight, Im sure alot of us on here connect with that.

    So many people just want you to leave a relationship when they feel it doesn't conform to what they think you should have. Im not looking for perfection and sometime he has a lot to put up with me and my defensiveness but we have stayed together and no one has forced us. I don't believe we are together because we are co-dependent (been there done that) or for fear of being alone. What I would say is I have had a number of long term relationships lasting years and I just want to be with someone I can get on with, love and enjoy 80% or more of my time with. I find that to be rare and I can be like that with my partner more often than not.

    I don't have the answers, but let me tell you what I have seen and it's horrific to me, in the 2 / 3 years, I have seen two people I know through my bestfriend, who have been married for 17 years split (so what you may say). Well these two were animators, peas in a pod, inseperable, so in love and so in sync. Then my bestfriend who was going out with 'Mr Perfect' the man who told her he loved her endlessly, they moved in together he helped he with her work, paid for holidays etc, suddenly one day just seemed to turn psycho and I mean that in the worst way, the things he did were truely horrific and it has taken her over a year to recover. Next a couple who call themselves 'soulmates' but split, my friend, the man now chases after 20 somethings. These things go on around me and I cant help but think what we have isn't so bad. We aren't perfect and he can be selfish but then it seems alot of men can be selfish, my God he's not even a 10th a selfish as my brothers!

    I don't have the answers, I don't see myself as being in an abusive relationship, he is often kind and considerate, my problem is I struggle with all relationships. I can have problems with family, friends, co-workers, etc I cant give up on everyone. Sometimes I do feel this relationship is a test of what I can cope with, how far I have come. True I don't want to be alone, I don't deserve to be alone, but I also no longer believe in the perfect relationship, I essentially want to be with someone, I can cope with being with in my head for as often as possible.

    We have a chance of making things work and I'm not ready to throw the towel in just yet, I have waaay too much on my plate right now and maybe Im not allowing for that. He has made some crappy decisions but then so have I, I cant expect perfection if Im not perfect.

    I just needed to vent, I needed to let it out, I cant tell anyone because the usual reply is leave him, if anything goes wrong with anyone Im dating.

    Maybe I have been too harsh about my partner but now Im trying to be even handed. The fault is mine, but I don't want to get into personal blame without any dispensation, I cant always help how I react and much as I hate this maybe nor can he and because he had support when he was young that seems doubly unfair to me.

    I don't want to be without him and I believe he doesn't want to be without me, but nothing is perfect and Oz is no joke. I just wish I was better able to cope sometimes, and I am improving with time you know.

    Time was violence was a huge part of my life, I no longer endure it nor do I have to worry about it, thats a huge plus. On the whole he handles me well and helps me sometimes when my insecurities become overwhelming, not just to do with the relationship. He's fixed my car a few

    Sometimes I just feel like wouldnt it be good if you could wear a badge saying please dont hurt me, when you hurt me it hurts twice as bad as when you hurt someone better able to cope. I have to own often he doesnt even mean to hurt me, I can be over sensitive, again I dont always feel I should be at blame for that. I survived when many others didnt and I think its fair I ask for some acknowledgement for that.

    Gawd now I sound selfish, this has all been about me, me, me, sorry folks.

    Thanks again Gemma XX

  • Caroline it is not selfish to talk about yourself; it is normal and YOU should be your top priority. lt is good to be able to say how we feel on here and work through stuff.

    I can see that the relationship is working for you in many ways and also you are right that it is yourself you need to heal but please don't let there be any guilt about that.

    I have been involved with people from stable backgrounds and sometimes found them frustratingly limited in understanding and depth though level and so sometimes it is a compromise. When I meet other people who have had difficulties they do seem to have the depth and I find i can relate to both scenarios but on the whole I find it better for me to relate to people who have been through stuff.

    I can see what you are saying about the other couples and the fact of you feeling moderately comfortable and that being enough. There don't seem to be any guarantees nowadays (and probably there never were but there seems less constancy in relationships nowadays); I try not to think about it. I am not in a relationship but even with friends I would like to feel I have something permanent as the idea of nothing permanent scares me too; but even then there is illness death due to old age and so forth so I guess I just have to accept it and live each day at a time without thinking too far into the future.

    I had a strange experience today. I was reading up about borderline personality disorder (which I've been told I have from time to time but I dispute) and I think I came across a research trial I had been part of as I am sure I recognised the words quoted as being my own on a follow up questionaire we were sent as to whether we had felt we had benefitted from the treatment. It is hard to describe but I feel like I have been living in a terrible cloud of despair all my life and now it is being lifted and I am becoming myself. Reading about that made me realise everything I have been through the desperation and the torment I have suffered just because of ineffective parenting. You probably wouldn't even say my parents were particularly extreme cases and they have definate compensations; but the damage is real and I know it is going away now though I still feel shaky and scared and having missed so much I could have had like children and so forth. There is still time for me though and I just need to be creative in finding solutions and not look for the "traditional life"; ( never was exactly me anyway!) :)

    Enough of my analysis Caroline. Glad you're working through it all. Always here to lend an ear as I know you are vice versa. In friendship. Gemma X

  • Well he rang at lunchtime to see if I was okay, did I get any sleep. I was snappy because I didnt expect his call and I was still annoyed. Anyway I thanked him for being thoughtful. He knows I dont bare grudges for long but sometimes even I need a little time to get over stuff. Still lots of hurdles but for now Im okay and hes okay so well I didnt shoot anyone Gemma I get points for that right :-)

    He's a nice man, but as Professor Higgins says in My Fair Lady...."why can't a MAN be more like a WOMAN!" .....what, what I did not mis quote :-) well maybe a little.

    Im tired Gemma Im afraid only silliness come this way when Im tired :-)


  • It's good to be silly sometimes; I can be very flippant and silly and I think it's an excellent trait you have. :)

    Maybe just try and get a rest now though. I'm tired too. I had arranged to Skype a friend today and been waiting to hear from her; she did contact a couple of hours ago and had been asleep; now by the time she's gone shopping and got herself organised it will be an evening thing; so I have to stay awake for that! Nevermind. I'm just not very energetic at the best of times but get more tired in the evenings:) It will be fine though ; i'm not complaining as I like hearing from her x

  • I was having a lovely giggle to 'Im sorry I havent a clue' and then they put on the Archers.....aaaaargggg....cant stand the Archers!

    Sorry? Silliness oh yes can't help it :-)

    Ummm yes tired in the evening but you may find you're having such a good chat that you dont feel at all tired! :-)

    Yes Im going to have a little rest I think, Im listening to the radio and drawing ...hoorah

    Big Kiss Gemma XX

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