Is honesty really the best policy?

Well made it into work after seven days hiding in my home, now I can hide in my office!

With all the media hype now about depression I still find it better to lie and say I have had a stomach bug for the last week!

Perhaps one of the negative things about getting older is that you have a lot more past experiences, I find this perhaps now makes me very cautious about what I will and won’t confide.

Some six yrs back I had a breakdown after redundancy and trying to cope financially with a expensive teenage daughter. I accepted help from the ~GP and community health workers and it was good to have someone come round once a week as my daughter was away at uni, but going through a particular bad day I had taken tranquilizers to help me through and was very groggy, the result of which was health workers, decided I was a danger to myself and sectioned me. When threatened I tend to just shut down and not talk to anyone, this seems to be a very bad thing as on that occasion an unknown GP threatened to call the police and handcuff me if I didn’t get into the ambulance voluntary! The week I spent in the hospital until my daughter found where I was and rescued me was a nightmare that I never want to repeat again. It wasn’t the first time that had happened in my lifetime but will certainly be the last.

So now when my nice compassionate GP asks if I ever want to self harm, it sure is much easier to lie and not to mention the fact that I regularly pop handfuls of tablets when the idea of morning is too unbearable.

I know that life is difficult for so many, but knowing that some have it much worse than myself never helps, just makes me feel the guilt a little more. I guess though, what we all need is someone to confide in and writing this is very cathartic.

Well today is another day, I may not want it, but existing isn’t that difficult when I can focus on just doing my work and getting through the day.

Kind thoughts also to all of you out there who are also struggling to find purpose in life at the moment.

4 Replies

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  • Hi

    I am sorry you have had such a difficult time and can understand your feeling now that you wish to keep your pill-popping behaviours to yourself - I think being able to be self-protective is an important step in moving on from depression - perhaps that sounds an odd thing to say but I do think you have decided to make sure you are safe and that is a good thing. However pill-popping can be dangerous and it would be very sad if you inadvertently took your own life or did great harm to your body without intending to do so!

    I can identify with your saying it is difficult for you to find a sense of purpose in life at the moment - I went through a very lengthy period of feeling that way. It is hard to find a sense of purpose in life and I guess ultimately we each have to find our own way. My way was the sudden realisation that if I carried on the way I was then I would become elderly before my time and would find it impossible to get my life back again, the realisation that I only have one life hit me hard!

    You do not say much about your situation. You say you have a daughter, is she still living at home now - if so she will find it hard to cope with knowing you are so unhappy in your life. I wonder whether you might ask to be referred to the secondary community mental health team for an assessment for psychotherapy? To do that would not involve telling your GP anything other than that you realise you have tended to withdraw in the past which only makes your mental state worse and that you would like to talk with someone in order to understand why you are so unhappy and help you to move on. That would not put you at risk of being hospitalised, in fact the opposite - it will demonstrate your ability to think rationally about what has been happening to you in the past.

    Suexx

  • Hi Sue,

    Thank you for replying and your advise.

    I read here that you have to give Meds a long while to take effect, so for now I shall keep telling myself that and just try to cope with the awful side effects.

    I find it best to hide things from my daughter as she has too many rejection issues of her own. When I am obviously down and gloomy I just pretend I am reading tell she goes away, it’s a good way to explain puffy eyes.

    Fortunately she is rarely home now other than to drop her laundry off. This last year has been a year of big changes, she finally got a steady boyfriend and a full time job! she’s 27 so it has taken a while. It is so good to see her happy at the moment, but along with it comes the terrible fear that it wont last and I have to always be there to pick up the pieces and I am so scared of that and for some reason keep waiting for it to happen.

    Rational thinking dictates that this may be a stupid way of thinking, but rationality never quite works for me and fear will not just go away because it shouldn’t belong there.

    Yes pill popping is a very stupid behavior also, especially when I think in the event that one day it will actually work, at least it may look accidental and that might help her cope.

    For the moment I have decided I don’t like feeling this ill, so thankfully am not doing additional harm by always taking a few extra pills. At least in trying to talk I know I am not yet back to rock bottom as sometimes happens and that in itself is a little comforting.

    Thank you for listening and take care.

  • I know what you mean about still talking and therefore not being at rock bottom - I have always found that when at my lowest I have no desire to reach out to anyone - that is the problem at those times!

    Right now I am feeling good and I'm glad you are feeling better than you were previously.

    Suexx

  • I am concerned about the pill popping too Monib. Like Sue I think you could accidentally take an overdose without thinking. Think what this would do to your daughter. Please take care. x

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