Well made it into work after seven days hiding in my home, now I can hide in my office!
With all the media hype now about depression I still find it better to lie and say I have had a stomach bug for the last week!
Perhaps one of the negative things about getting older is that you have a lot more past experiences, I find this perhaps now makes me very cautious about what I will and won’t confide.
Some six yrs back I had a breakdown after redundancy and trying to cope financially with a expensive teenage daughter. I accepted help from the ~GP and community health workers and it was good to have someone come round once a week as my daughter was away at uni, but going through a particular bad day I had taken tranquilizers to help me through and was very groggy, the result of which was health workers, decided I was a danger to myself and sectioned me. When threatened I tend to just shut down and not talk to anyone, this seems to be a very bad thing as on that occasion an unknown GP threatened to call the police and handcuff me if I didn’t get into the ambulance voluntary! The week I spent in the hospital until my daughter found where I was and rescued me was a nightmare that I never want to repeat again. It wasn’t the first time that had happened in my lifetime but will certainly be the last.
So now when my nice compassionate GP asks if I ever want to self harm, it sure is much easier to lie and not to mention the fact that I regularly pop handfuls of tablets when the idea of morning is too unbearable.
I know that life is difficult for so many, but knowing that some have it much worse than myself never helps, just makes me feel the guilt a little more. I guess though, what we all need is someone to confide in and writing this is very cathartic.
Well today is another day, I may not want it, but existing isn’t that difficult when I can focus on just doing my work and getting through the day.
Kind thoughts also to all of you out there who are also struggling to find purpose in life at the moment.