I was finally feeling happy and motivated. Why does everything go wrong when you finally have things the way you want them?
After getting the necessary experience for a year while also working full time to save money, I was accepted onto the teaching course at Edinburgh University last year. It felt such a privilege to be there at such a prestigious uni with beautiful buildings. But of course, the grass is always greener on the other side. My tutor was awful and just wanted to churn out teachers like it was some kind of factory. Which meant you had to do everything her way and me her expectations. My experience there was awful. The people are cut-throat and the lecturers are bullies who want to weedle out the weak before we fail and make them look bad at the end of the year. They have pokers stuck up their..... And they realised I wasn't one of them. And they got me off the course as quick as they could. Half way through I quit because I was too weak to cope with being a teacher. All the negative feedback and the fact I kept doing everything wrong was just piling up on me. So I quit knowing I wasn't capable of being a teacher, my dream job since high school.
After that I felt weak and useless. To top it off, the guy who seemed great for me in the beginning, turned out to be a thief and a gambler. He stole from me. And in fact it was money which meant a lot to me and he knew it (birthday money, some of which his family had given me and a £100 note my brother gave me for my 21st which I decided to keep). He took it. To have your trust betrayed like that... And after losing your chance at becoming the one thing you always wanted to be.
After that I came on HU for support. I was pretty low. During this time I met someone and we have since moved in together. I'd say the relationship itself is pretty good, we are a team. I finally feel like the guy is also the one fighting to make things work. I was happy and motivated in my new job and I was happy to be coping. I went to work with a spring in my step. It was waitressing and I was proud to be able to manage my own section of tables (which I got too stressed with in a previous job and got fired because of it). But then of course, I got fired from this job too. The reason was that I "don't fit in". I'm pretty sure that's discrimination but hey, they got away with it. I checked, it's not unfair dismissal if you've been there for less than two years. Another thing that has stuck with me is that he said they have a certain standard. It's a minimum wage job for Christ's sake? How the hell can I not meet the standards? It's a god damn joke! I can't even meet the standards of a minimum wage job, so what the hell can I do?
All of this is because of a condition I have. One I'm currently going through a very long and drawn out assessment for. It's Asperger's. My brother has it too. More men than women have it and it's harder to diagnose in women because we are more desperate to be accepted socially and therefore mask it better. But I have a lot of the traits: mis-reading people and situations which can get me into a lot of trouble, lack of concentration, getting attached to things, incapable of doing more than one thing at one time... That's just a few. It is stopping me from doing anything with my life. I can't even get a simple job! I can't pay bills or keep my car. It is kind of reliant on my boyfriend getting a good job, maybe then we can pay everything. But then that makes me a taker and a user. I'm not that person at heart, I want to work! I'm not even asking for much! It just feels like when life starts to work out for me just a little bit, it turns to crap again. Why can't I just keep a job and be left alone? Why do people have to keep beating me down just because I'm different and don't fit in very well. As much as we would like this to be an equal opportunities country, it certainly isn't. Because the weak people like me always fade out.
I suppose now I can look forward to losing the next thing. And that is probably moving back to my parents house because I can't afford to keep my car in order to travel to work. I have a small restaurant job atm. I have done two shifts and already it is clear they have their doubts. All I have to do is make drinks. Why is that so hard for me?
Anyway, there is no work where we live and barely any public transport so I need a car to travel, but I can't afford the £622 insurance bill coming my way next week. £622 for what? I've been driving for a year and haven't crashed so why is it still so high? It's about keeping young people down. Promising us at school age that we can be anything we aspire to be, getting our hopes and dreams up and then just taking it all away. I can't even really afford to have moved out of my parent's house. And I'm terrified I will have to go back. I'm tired of having the rug pulled out from underneath me. I'm now scared that I will get fired from the next job and the one after that. At least when I FINALLY get my Asperger's diagnosis (probably in a year from now because the NHS are useless) I can sign on and get disability allowance. Not much to hope for right? I am still hopeful that I won't have to move back to my parent's house but my boyfriend keeps saying it might have to happen. So maybe I should give up that hope and succumb to taking yet another step back. But I swear, it can't do this much longer. I can't keep moving forward only to be told by society that I'm not good enough and have to fall back. I'm already starting to give up in this new job because I know they're gonna fire me, so why get my hopes up? It only ever seems to lead to disappointment.