Feeling lost

Hi everyone x sometimes i really think im going mad as in a spilt second im feeling ok and then i feel like i am, like im standing still stuck, its just black, i used to use heavy drugs just to get through it, i dont use no more, ive even started to self harm which ive ever done, it seems i can find other ways to punish myself, i lost my mum last year, through an ex partner attacking her, mum was also an addict, i know she was not the best mother, but i loved her, i keep replaying that night, my partner had warned me to stay away from her,friends also family, i always think over and over if i only did as i was told.

7 Replies

  • I have no answers for you ...sorry hope you find what you aiming for you are healthy ...so stay healthy , do good and good will be in your life ....good luck :)

  • Hi Shelle

    You have done really well to stop using heavy drugs, well done! That must really have taken some courage and willpower.

    It must have been hard for you to have a mum who was an addict but it's good that you are able to remember loving her despite that. I guess if she was an addict when you were young then you must have had a hard time of it while you were growing up so it is hardly surprising that you also turned to drugs, but now you are off them.

    Self-harming in a more obvious way isn't ideal - but it is a step forward from using drugs which brings all sorts of other problems with it, so keep patting yourself on the back for coming off them. There are a lot of services available in some areas for people who self-harm and I wonder whether you have asked your GP to refer you to them. Presumably you punish yourself because you grew up feeling bad and maybe also feel bad that it was one of your ex-partners who attacked your mum? Whatever you punish yourself for, you do not deserve to be punished - but of course telling you that won't change anything.

    I really think you would benefit from psychotherapy but it is hard to get on the NHS nowadays. You could ask your GP to refer you for an assessment for talking therapy (more intensive than counselling and focusses more upon the relationship you form with the therapist) as that would help you to understand why you were with such an abusive ex-partner (maybe your mum had violent partners and you witnessed that whilst growing up?) but also to help you to face the feelings from your childhood and overcome them.

    Meanwhile you are not mad, but I do wonder whether you have any current sources of support? Your GP can refer you for specialist help but can't offer day to day support, so do you have anyone else, any relations or really good friends? If not then you might consider joining a group like Mind or maybe attend a local support centre for women - you could ask Citizens Advice about that - and they may also know about groups for people who self-harm.

    Facing the feelings that make you harm yourself will not be easy but with the support of other people you can move on in life and form happier relationships which will not be abusive and will give you a better sense of self-esteem. You must stop blaming yourself because none of it was your fault. You were living your life as best you had learned from your mum and other childhood experiences, so now you can begin to change things in order to learn differently.


  • Her lifestyle is irrelevant. Your Mum is your mum and nothing can stop you loving her. As Sue has said, well done for giving up the drugs, that must have been so hard x

  • Strongly advise you to talk to your GP and try to arrange a few sessions with a CPN, it takes time to recover from a loss especially if the loss was tragic.

    Self harm is a way to punish yourself is no way forward you need to look forward to new and positive activities where you can meet people who will give support and encouragement.


  • Shelle, I am so sorry for what you have experienced. I have a friend who has recently experienced the loss of a friend through overdose. I have never used drugs but no matter what don't let yourself feel guilt for it. Be gentle with yourself. Every human no matter what they do, deserves the love they can provide for themself. You also need love from someone. Since I am not very good at understanding loss I will try to compile a list of things that might help.

    Accept yourself at your worst, right now, and anytime you were even lower in your own experience. Look around in this world Accept every human, understand their motives their neurosis accept them as well, as this is a reflection of your own acceptance, as we are all mirrors for each other. Love that part of yourself that got so dark and love that part of yourself that became so high. Every part. Do not punish yourself.

    Every person has a dark place and I have witnessed friends act in very different ways in this darkness. While I tend to cage up and get intense agoraphobia, others I knew became very angry and more of an attacker type person, the link is that deep down there is a sickness. It is a very similar sickness, it is the sickness of pain and suffering, and that pain pumps through the veins. The hardest thing you will ever to is accept this world after what has happened. And I might be deserving of some criticism for this view.

    I was in a mildly abusive relationship, but for a while. 3 years. I always felt I was under his power, in fact I felt under the power of anyone after this point. It hurt so bad but I needed to see how people didn't have power over me. I saw that through my rebellion.

    Keep going. Your experiences make you an extraordinary person. You will have the ability to understand life in a very deep way, even now you are in a place of depth which allows for deep thought and intellect. Take the hand of anyone you can in your life and try to see how you are one with them.

    Since your experience sounds very hard, please take what anyone says with a grain of salt, take what you need. You'll find that not all advice is the correct advice for you.

    Much love my dear.

    I am so very deeply sorry for your loss.


  • If you feel like punishing yourself a heavy run usually lets me have it. Kicks my ass and I feel a runners high.

  • Hi Shelle

    Sorry to hear about you mum. I have no idea what you could be feeling about what happened, I'm sure my imagination wouldn't even scratch the surface of what you have been going through. But I must say about the last few words you said, "...if only I did as I was told". You are not to blame for what happened. You are responsible for your actions & your actions alone. We are not responsible for another adults actions, whether they are good or bad. Each of us is responsible & answers for what we say & do & no one else. No matter what he may have said to you. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

    I also wanted to say well done for getting off the drugs. However you did always remember that you did it. You may have had help, no doubt you did, but you had to do the actual hard work of coming & staying off them. Do stay off them won't you. As for the self harming, knock it on the head, just pack it in. You are trying to punisher yourself for what you perceive to be your fault when it wasn't. I imagine you cannot punisher or blame the person directly responsible, as I hope he's rotting away in prison, so you are blaming & punishing yourself.

    As others have said please do go to your GP and start the ball rolling on getting help which will lead to getting better. If you cannot do it for you, then do it for your mum. She may not have been the best mum in the world, but she was your mum & there is no way she would want you harming yourself physically or mentally anymore.


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