unstable mood today

My feelings are bouncing around all over the place today. I woke feeling achy and still tired, obviously slept badly due to sciatic pain after chiro-practitioner did her thing yesterday! Woke, made breakfast without checking dates on things so had to remake it, same thing again but ate it anyway, then got marmite all over my new white t-shirt and trousers, was almost in tears and cancelled swimming which I was going to do for the first time in 15 years...

In pain from sciatica, could hardly stand but had a whole lot of plants to put in and decided to do it anyway, did it! Worked in the garden fairly gently for several hours, felt a lot better, joints hurt while working but eased and by the time I had finished I felt much better.

Had a phone call from GP surgery. GP had said she would refer me to specialist for fibromyalgia, she also suggested chiropractor - that has only made things worse. Also she suggested seeing physio for shoulder pain - saw her, excellent assessment, have tendonitis but that interacts with fibro so difficult to tease apart. Still no apt with specialist so see another GP who says he will chase up. A month later still no apt so check with surgery - this morning's phone call was to tell me the physio will assess whether I need to see consultant - so back to square one! I feel frustrated, angry and helpless. I asked GP to refer me to the pain clinic, she said they only give meds and she can do that, since then I've heard the pain clinic offers 6 week courses on pain management with yoga, pilates, cognitive and other pain management techniques as well as info and advice on meds and social connection with other people with fibro. I feel so frustrated because it feels as though I am going around in circles. I even considered changing GPs but researched this pm and find our surgery is the best in the area - wonder what the worst is like!

I'm ranting, but I am just so tired of being told one thing only to find out something else, to not be referred to services that are available yet told we are entitled to choice, etc. It reminds me I suppose of being a child with parents who were supposed to look after my needs but never listened to anything I said and just went their own sweet way without taking any account of me.

I just needed to rant. Sorry all of you, I don't mean to go on so much. I'm just struggling at the moment, can't seem to move forwards in any way despite odd steps that seem as if I have shifted... Hope you are all ok. Don't have the motivation to say anything else.

Well..... I wrote that a week ago and thought I downloaded it but it seems I didn't so when I tried to do a new post today it was still here!

I find it difficult that my feelings seem to bounce all over the place as I have been making really positive moves forward since. I have started going swimming every week and though I only manage a couple of lengths at least I am going. I joined a second gym near home and plan to go several times a week in order to build up my fitness level, hopefully that will help me to sustain the improved mood too. Most importantly, I have joined the Ramblers - a huge move forwards for me. I get a lot of joint pain and imagine I will struggle to keep up or manage the distance and feel the distress I felt as a child when left out or feeling less able than other people, but I have committed myself to going on a 5 mile walk in Grasmere in 2 weeks time! I've ordered walking gear too - spending more money than I should on really good walking boots, trousers, shell jacket, poles etc. I'm going to be a regular walker it seems! I know the depression isn't far away and that it will be all too easily to slip back into feeling negativity but I aim to make the effort to do things that will help support me during the winter as that's the time I find most difficult.

The weather is gorgeous here in St Helens this morning and my husband and I will be going to Manchester to buy some things for his jam-making later. I do love the summer... The garden is full of roses, climbing and tall shrub ones, and there are loads of plums coming on the tree. I am so lucky, I must try to remember that next time I am depressed, and not let myself wallow.

Well that's my news! How are you all, especially the people I know, what are you up to this weekend? I hope you are finding ways to enjoy life.

Sue x

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9 Replies

  • Morning Sue, have a good day. Im off to collect the shopping I ordered online yesterday. Saves going to the supermarket, I hate it there.

    Then going to have coffee in the garden with my wife and potter for rest of day.

    Take care

    David x

  • That sounds good David - apart from the supermarket which most men hate, though since my husband has begun breadmaking I can't keep away!

    Enjoy the sun! Sue x

  • Hello sue

    I was a bit confused reading that as I remembered you saying that it was last week you were going swimming but then I caught up after I'd read it all :)

    Well done for managing the swimming, I find it very therapeutic tho I haven't felt like going for a while .. the hillwalking is good for lifting the mood

    The flowers and the garden sound beautiful oh and the jam making ... I love homemade jam

    I'm having yet another lazy day to add to all the lazy weeks I'm having, can't seem to get my mojo back at all, maybe I should seriously think of starting back swimming again .. watch this space

    Have a lovely sunshine filled weekend


    Lesley x

  • Hi Lesley

    Seriously start swimming - that does make me feel intimidated - not really, but I used to swim reasonably though have never been sporty or particularly fit - but now I just manage the two lengths and find it hard to sustain the energy, but it will come with time. :)

    Sue x

  • Hi Sue

    Well done for managing 2 lengths :)

    I will definitely think of starting the swimming up again as I could do with a little toning up, if I can find the motivation I will start

    Lesley x

  • hi Sue,

    just want to tell you that i really feel for you as i had same experience with gp. and especially when one is not well, in pains, feeling low then comes 'our help- gp' with an attitude... you start to doubt yourself (in my case). and then i met audiologist (yes, audiologist!!!) who has been my best support and advice so far from health professionals. she had suffered from depression too. she was telling me that gp is not right, that i should ask to confirm her saying in writing, to use it later to complain and so on...

    she also gave me good advice on how to manage my depression giving examples from her personal experience. that was wonderful!

    Sue, you are doing great! so many activities! this darkness will pass and you know it :)

    take care,


  • Hi Sue,

    Not been on the site for a few days. I'm so pleased that you have joined the ramblers! That has made me really happy and I just hope it doesn't cause you to much pain. It may spur me into action as well. Congrats on the swimming as well,alot of positive action. I also thought about jam making and got a book on preservatives from the library. I need to buy a jam thermometer and visit the pick your own farms for strawberries and gooseberries. Maybe make some elderflower cordial as well.

    Not very sunny here today so I am making a skirt at present! Not made one for many years so goodness knows what it will look like. Keep having to check the internet as I don't understand the pattern........think I may have put the waistband on upside down!

    Hope you as having a 'good' day today,

    Sarah xxx

  • Hi Sarah

    Sorry I have only just found this reply on the new website!

    Good to hear from you. My husband makes jam too, every year - blackcurrant and sometimes raspberry as well, it's lovely and not as sweet as from the shops. Yummy! A friend of mine has an allotment and is bottling her gooseberries this year but I have suggested she might make gooseberry jam as it's lovely.

    Making a skirt, eh... how did the waistband go? I used to sew my own clothes, but that was years ago - used to do spinning, weaving, macramé, you name it... Now I e-bay, garden, walk, listen to music, read - when I say all those it doesn't sound such a bad life :)

    I'm having lots of good days thank you. Nothing special happening a lot of the time but I feel so much better in myself than I did. I'm walking with the Rambles in Haworth on Sunday - Bronte country! I'm feeling a bit daunted by the idea as having looked at photos it is a very hilly and cobbled place, but I will manage with painkillers.

    Hope you are well too and enjoying the heatwave. I hope it lasts although I know some people struggle with the heat.

    Take care, it's lovely to hear from you and the other familiar people. :)

    Bye, xxx

  • Sue,

    I lost your response! The new format is going to take getting used to.

    I've not made jam yet but have finished the skirt. It is a bit big but at least I managed it. I'm making shorts and trousers now. Lol. Always did push myself.

    I share a lot of similar interests, also for me history and architecture/art. I went to Rome last year when I was well and loved it. Dragged my partner around so much history - my need to control/anxiety meant I had planned or pre booked all the guided tours etc. lol. It is only with reflection I see that I take on all the responsibility.

    I wonder if you feel so much better because you have taken positive (self determining) action. To swim/gym. To join the fibro group and the ramblers. You also seem to be grateful for what you have - I hope that makes sense? I'm still working on getter better- to be honest the anxiety is worse than the depression at present.

    Enjoy the ramble it does sound lovely. I've never been to Haworth. I've done a few Dickens walking tours in London and in Kent.

    Take care of yourself.

    Sarah x

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