not a good day

woke up in terror, forgot to lock up the chickens last night - they will all be dead .... or horribly injured by fox .... i will be blamed by (soon to be ex) husband who is away and told me not to forget .... stop you horrid words going around in my head .... just another thing that is my fault. get up go check - they are all out in the garden making most of bright early morning, stupid woman, get some sleep - cant ....

overwhelming feeling of dread started from chicken situation and can stop mind rollercoasting into day, practice mindfullness meditation to try and calm the inner voice, please calm down i cant bear the noise.

need to talk to someone - phoned mum .... chemo not going well - cant bear thought of life without her, please dont stop treatment mum - i need you, sorry i am so selfish - its your life/choice

It will pass, try and get daughter out of bed, we need to go food shopping, she will come with me and chatter and i wont be overwhelmed by voices, keep calm

sorry everyone - just need to get this off my chest, get through today and tomorrow will be brighter

3 Replies

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  • Hi Vicky,

    Glad the chickens are ok and I'm sorry you had such a bad night. If hubby is so bothered about them getting eaten by a fox, perhaps he could pop them in his suitcase next time he goes away?

    I completely understand your feelings about your Mum. Mine is not well either, and wrestling with those feelings of feeling guilty for wanting her to keep on struggling are very real for me too.

    I hope food shopping was not too painful and that your daughter provided a good distraction. I often make Katie come with me for the same reason.

    Take care xx

  • This sounds like me when I try and go to sleep at night.

    Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Or even your GP for your anxiety.

    I don't know if you're anti medication but I take prochlorperazine/stemetil to stop the voices/noise...they're very good, much better than the newer antipsychotics Seroquel which don't seem to help at all. I'm not suggesting that you're psychotic btw but I think that when we're anxious/depressed our chemical messengers either seem to go like the clappers or slow down so much they practically stop. Getting them to function at a rate that we can cope with can make the difference between keeping your sanity or losing the plot completely.

    I don't think you're being at all selfish not wanting to lose your Mum even if she is suffering, I think it's something that most of us dread, even if we don't get on particularly well and if you're close it's so much worse, almost unbearable. I think most females will empathise with this feeling...I'm not sure about men - maybe they identify with their dads in the same way?

    Practising mindfulness is very good but don't knock meds on the head completely if the thoughts get too out of control, even if only kept handy as a last resort.

    (((Hugs)))

    Lorraine

  • Thank you - it always seems that the steps forward are very small but the bad days seem like huge leapfrog jumps

    xx

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