Argued with my daughter

Today I had an argument with my daughter . I told her how hard life was and how I was finding it hard to cope and very depressed and had suicidal thoughts .. told her how lonely I was ..to cut a long story short we had words about the past etc and she told me I was selfish . I should be there for her not the other way around she said telling your child your suicidal is an aweful thing to say and that I only thought about myself etc I don't blame her I haven't been a perfect parent but I did my best she said depressed people shouldn't have children and it was selfish of them.

I really don't know where to go from here . she has made me feel worse and I don't think this black cloud will ever lift ..I see no point in this grim existence ..I am fed up with it all.x

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  • Oh gawd Angel,

    How awful for you not to be able to be honest with your daughter without her blaming you. Try not to take it too much to heart...she's being selfish too and none of us are 'perfect' parents...we don't get a manual on how to do it, there's never a perfect time, we don't get taught it in school!

    We all just muddle by as best we can and if she can't see that then she's the one that's got it wrong.

    I had a similar text conversation with my daughter the other day about how the meds change us and not being the same person anymore and she texted me back and just said 'never mind Mum...we still love you no matter what!'.

    That's what your daughter needs to learn!

    (((Hugs)))

    Lorraine

    xxx

  • That's a tricky one. I wouldn't tell my children if I felt suicidal. I think it's too heavy a burden. But then my children are young, so maybe that's different. That's ridiculous her saying that depressed people shouldn't have children, though in a strange way I understand where she is coming from. I have struggled for a long time not understanding why my Mum cannot fulfil the role I need. Seeing my Mum there in the physical sense, but having to accept that she cannot support me, is so incredibly hard. It's made me angry and very resentful of her, which is wrong, because it's not her fault.

    It's not your fault your daughter feels as she does, but it's not her fault that you feel as you do x

  • Hi Angel

    I haven't read the other responses so apologies if they've already asked this. Do you think it was a knee jerk reaction from her because she was surprised shocked and perhaps a little scared and angry at the thought of being without her mum?

    James

  • Hi Angel that must be very hard. I think your both very hurt, she wants you

    To be a Mother who will put her needs above yours, and you probably want her

    To be the loving kind understanding daughter.

    I don't agree that people with Depression should not have children, otherwise I

    Would not be here. Angel maybe this each of you being honest will help

    Both of you. Try not to let it tear you apart. You sound such a caring person,

    And remember she is young and hasn't have your life experience yet.

    Hugs

    Hannah

  • Angel you know when you said " she has made me feel worse". You have

    A choice in what way you feel, so choose to feel okay with it, and that will help

    You.

    Hugs

    Hannah

  • she is 26 and I know she blames me for lots of things in her past . she told me if I ever killed my self she would hate me and not go to my funeral .. I didn't say I wanted to die I said there were times I felt suicidal ... I am just fed up .. depression has stolen so much from my and now for a long time a good relationship with my daughter .. thanks for all the replies .. at the moment I just feel nothing .. pointless , a failure and worthless xx

  • Hi Angel. I'm really sorry that you feel so bad, it must be very

    Hard. She is old enough not to be blaming you, you didn't ask

    To be Depressed.

    Your not a failure or worthless, you have an illness called Depression.

    Lots of caring hugs

    Hannah

  • thank you x

  • Most of my family think suicide is a selfish act, admittedly I used to too, but now I am more aware of it. For her to say she would hate you and wouldn't go to your funeral is horrible.

    I am 25 and my relationship with my mother isn't great, but it's not bad. I respect her for her and we don't even text really, but I will still love her regardless.

    I too feel like a failure, I have a 7 year old and there are times i literally scream at the top of my voice because she has lied (lying really upsets me, I hate it beyond belief). It is so hard and everyday I tell myself that will not happen again, but it does. Were you depressed when your children were young? Were they happy children (or child, sorry I'm not sure how many you have).

    DO NOT get yourself down over this, once you get yourself better you will be able to improve your relationship with your daughter, but she is old enough to understand it works both ways.

  • Being selfish is important but not to be suicidal.. Living for your daughter is sweet but you need to live for yourself to come out of your personal struggle. Life is all about ups and downs. The worser you go down, you need to realise the need to accept it and wait patiently for the bright side to come. Best thing is involve yourself with some activities in which you will feel good about yourself. Live for your happiness and keep up your spirit. Your daughter will realize her words and things will set soon. I have been in tough times for last 6 years and I have kept my self up by distracting myself from remembering or talking about it. Things changed.. Slowly things will be better and I have hope. So will you dear. Tc Preethi

  • I do know how you feel, I have 3grown up children only one helps me, the other two don't come any where near me, and yes my daughter sounds like yours, love to help others but not her mum and it hurts, I don't get to see my grandchildren that hurts, but you must go on, the depression will lift its part of the illness go to your doctor talk with him he may be able to help, your not on your own ok take care

  • My daughter doesn't want kids she says its selfish because he has ocd and other issues .. kids don't realise we have feelings too and we get lost sometimes x

  • I go to my gp but all they offer is AD and I think I have tried everyone x

  • This is very sad. I know that you said it to share with your daughter but I can understand why your daughter would be so devastated if you did give up as she would feel you had abandoned her completely after her already maybe feeling ( through no fault of your own) that you have not been completely there for her. I can see how difficult it is for you and also how difficult it is for her.

    I still feel that you are in grief over the loss of your own mum and unable to move on. People have suggested grief counselling to you already; I don't know if you have managed to do anything about this?

    You need to understand that YOUR mum is not coming back but YOU can still carry on with help from counselling and starting to go to activities that interest you , helping friends and so on. This would be the best thing for you and for your daughter.

    I don't mean to sound harsh, its just I can see it from both sides. Gemma X

  • I always appreciate replys and its helpful to see things from others opinions x

  • you are always correct I am still in pain from the loss of my mum x

  • Im so sorry but I'm 26 and if my mum told me that , I'd be exactly the same. It hurts for us to see our mum who is supposed to be our rock and a warm loving person to say such a terrible thing because straight away I would think it's my fault you hate your life and I would take the stress upon myself. Your a mum, you gave birth to this child, you love her more than anything in the whole wide world, Hug her let her be the one reason you will NOT harm yourself as it would kill her inside to loose her mummy xx one saying that I constantly tell myself is "you have the courage to fight this demon you will not be taken down by the cowardly devil"

    Ps I'm so sorry if my wording comes of harshly

  • I appreciate your reply .. my daughter needs to understand its the illness talking .I have been fighting this demon for 25 years but I fear I am worn out with the struggle x

  • Hi Sazzy it's good to see what a young person thinks. Very interesting

    Reply.

    Hannah x

  • Hi Angel

    My daughter initially responded similarly to me when I told her how bad I had been feeling but in time my being honest allowed her to do similarly and she was able to express a lot of her anger towards me. In time we talked more and more openly and now we are best of friends and she values the fact that she has been able to get to know me in a way I wasn't able to get to know my mum and so always blamed myself for her depression. I would say be MORE honest with your daughter, be who you are but continue to make clear that she is not responsible for you and that you will continue to do your best to be there for her as much as you are able to.

    It is lovely for a woman to have a daughter when the relationship can be mutual as the daughter grows up - my daughter says she feels lucky to have a mum that she enjoys seeing and spending time with as so many of her friends dread seeing parents (she's 31). She feels we can say anything to one another and as a result we have long deep conversations and she turns to me when she needs to but has a close loving relationship with her partner who she is shortly to marry.

    Have faith, trust your instincts and be true to yourself, it's a good example to set your children.

    Suexx

  • Sue it must be great to have a daughter who is a friend too. I see

    My younger sister who has a daughter who is also great friends with

    Her. Granted she didn't suffer from Depression, but it is encouraging

    For Angel to know that people change and there is hope for her.

    Hannah

  • Hi Hannah, yes it absolutely lovely, We both enjoy talking and shopping together, etc, really girlie things, also watching movies together. I am glad that I also like her partner and he likes me so that's great too. She lives in Mexico City at present so we don't see much of each other but she hopes to move to Spain in time and that will be a bit nearer! She won't come back to the uk because jobs in academia are just too pressured and there's little time left to live! Suex

  • I am sure your daughter loves you very much angel but I think she is in shock at the moment and is probably feeling very scared and insecure. Give her time to get used to it and play it cool at the moment is my advice. Wait until she brings it up again (and she will) and reassure her you will still be there for her regardless. It would probably be helpful to tell her how she can help you as she will be feeling at a loss on how to cope. Perhaps some information in the form of leaflets would help? Let us know what happens please. Lots of hugs xxxx

  • she knows my depression she has grown up with it , the thing is I hate myself so how can I expect anyone to like me ..in the past I have let her down and she has me ..I can not blame everything in my life on my depression I have in the past and its not fair x

  • Hi Angel at least you and your daughter are now having an

    Honest conversation about everything. As a child my Mother used to

    Threaten to leave us and say she would kill herself, it was very hard

    On us, as I was 12 and was left to look after a new baby. Of course

    We still loved her but it was damaging for us , as it made me feel

    Very anxious. But we ended up having a great relationship until

    Mum died.

    Hannah

  • Oh Hannah, that must have been hard for you. So you became the carer, that's why you are so good at offering support to people on here. It's funny how we can all find ways to make use out of what has happened to us in the past. I'm glad you ended up having a good relationship with your mum. I wish that had happened with my mum but she never really wanted to think or feel about the past and so remained out of touch with herself and others as a result. It's why I have always picked partners who are - head in the sands - people but also lovely. I'm sorry your mum died, I guess they all do. I hope yours didn't die when you were still young but it sounds as if you had some adult time with her beforehand. Suexx

  • Thanks Sue she died nine years ago at 87. We had a very

    Good relationship and I learned a lot from her. All the earlier stuff she went through such as threatening to leave

    Us got forgotten and forgiven.

    I still miss her but she would want me to enjoy life .

    Hannah

  • Of course, and she lived to a very good age! Sue

  • my Mum was really the only person who got me so her loss is very hard for me , I went from caring for her for 2 years constant to doing nothing when she died .. I know she wouldn't want me to be like this , if only it were that easy ..xx

  • I agree with your last comment Angel,( that you cannot blame the depression for everything in your life ) You need to start thinking about why you hate yourself so much as it is not helping either of you. I feel you may have tried to depend too much on your daughter from what you've said and she needs to depend on you instead. I do understand that you feel helpless and you hate yourself too; however you need to come to your own rescue if that makes sense and I also understand that at the moment you don't know how. I would still suggest you see a counsellor and talk over your grief over your own mother and also all these feelings you have about yourself.

    Once again I need to clarify what I am saying Angel. I have hated myself and only just moved slightly beyond. I have thought the answer was to get things from other people and I did not know how to start caring for myself. This is why you need the counselling, to find out how to start caring for yourself. It is not your fault. I feel your mum cared and now she has gone you have given up, but please don't give up; you can get there with the right help. No-one is essentially weak; it is just you don't know how to get to where you need to get at the moment so you need help with talking over this and working it through, starting with the loss of your mum and how that has left you feeling.

    Take care X

  • thank you so much all of what you said is spot on x

  • Dont worry honey what goes around usually (as the sun rises each day without fail) comes around, meaning her day will come. As depression has a long herridtory factor your experience will help her one day. Leave her alone shes young and selfish (which usually comes from being a devoted mother) When kids have a better experience of life then they will judge no more, she needs what life experience will teach her dont worry about that.

    All my kids except one suffer from depression and its horrid seeing them suffer , Like i did. They too come back with terrible versions of what a terrible mother I was. Well I didnt hit them, unless I gave 3 warnings first. in my day they wouldnt give you warnings, they just belt you with a belt lol... so how lucky they were.

    I do wonder if that was a failing, maybe I should of giving them a belt, maybe then they would have respected me more!! as I did my parents. yes they put the fear of god into me. But I have respect for others, I dont steal, or lie and I help anyone that needs it. I didnt murder any of them, so count themselves lucky!!!

    I think even with my counselling training of work on the inner child. We have gave too much of ourselves. As your usually told to do as a parent. Look how the kids are today, Selfish, 2 of my kids are fcked up with the depression all I can do is offer my worldly wisdom, not that they want it. She has stopped me seeing the kids, but they know how odd their mother is behaving. Are the grand kids going to thank her for it, my guess is, they will make up their own minds one day. Yes at first I felt like a horse had kicked me, but that is what she wanted to do, was hurt me. So I decided it changes nothing, all I can do is remember their birthdays easter and christmases. And get on with my own life and only ONLY care about those that care about me.

    Your an adult, you cant expect a selfish kid to have empathy for what your going through, as they havent experianced it yet. When you get better you will spend all the days enjoying things that much more, because you were in that dark place. how did I cope, I cried a lot, then,,, I went to get a nice hair cut, that made me feel better, then some new clothes, and then just treated me well. Eating better too. So I felt better just doing stuff that made me feel better and work on that each day. Go back to see your gp, and see a counsellor to help you through this bad time. start caring for you better. x Linda

  • thank you so much for the reply ..my daughter has ocd and hasn't had it easy , I have been depressed for over 25 years , her father and alcoholic left us for another family when my daughter was 12 and she hasn't seen him since despite living less than 8 miles away .,my daughter cut herself a lot when she was 14-15 and says I wasn't there for her then and I know she holds it against me ..she said depressed people shouldn't have kids she herself wont have any.. I do see her point.

    Our relationship is getting worse , I am mostly to blame I know I am .. I am seeing a hormone doc on Tuesday for investigations for a pituitary tumour and I am worried sick ..

    until I know whats happenening I am in limbo xx

  • First of all, some people get depression after having children. I had my daughter when I was 18, nobody in a million years would have guessed I would become depressed. Yes it has affected my parenting skills, but as long as your children know they are loved, and you are there when they need you, then what is the big deal?

    I don't think it is fair to say depressed people shouldn't have children, is your daughter grown up?

    I do think it must be scary to be told your mother is suicidal, but you trusted her and she should be there for you too. Would she rather you suffer in silence?

    I'm so scared that 'normal' people aren't taking mental health issues seriously.

    I suppose as mother and daughter, you both need to hear each others side of the story and make sure you both care still regardless of underlying feelings.

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