I've always had a tense relationship with my mum. I only remember negative things about her from my childhood and growing up with her was so difficult. She was always belligerent, and would belittle me, and abuse me both emotionally and sometimes physically. Recently things started getting better because I don't live with her anymore, and she came to visit me today. I was trying to work something out in my head and because I have dyscalculia (mathematic dyslexia), I asked her for help. She knows I've always struggled with maths but still called me lazy for not doing it on my own.
I didn't appreciate that, and I told her so, saying 'I'm not lazy, I struggle with numbers', and she started shouting, telling me I have no sense of humour, and to lighten up. I kept saying that I didn't find it funny, and she said 'because you have no sense of humour, and it is funny', and then I started trying to explain, asking her over and over again to just be quiet and let me finish, and when she just wouldn't, no matter how nicely I asked, I ended up screaming it 'PLEASE JUST LET ME FINISH', and she looked at me like I was a monster, an insane person, and told me 'theres something wrong with you', I said no, there isn't, but I'm entitled to not find something funny, I'm entitled to not want to be the butt of a joke, and she started walking out, so I really lost it, and said 'maybe I should push YOU down the stairs and see how YOU like it'. She went through a phase of knocking me around, kicking me out the house, throwing empty glass vodka bottles at me, and I managed to forgive her for it, and give her chance after chance to prove she wasn't like that, but when she started acting that way again, I just couldn't let her walk out without feeling terrible. She went scarily quiet and calm, just like she used to before I'd end up homeless for weeks on end. She asked 'what', and just to make a point of how she'd made me feel, I feigned a calm lighthearted voice, and said 'look, I lightened up' and she walked out.
I feel terrible for bringing up that phase but I also feel she deserved it, she was pushing me deliberately and not letting me do something as simple as finish a sentence. She did the same thing last time she visited, and I can tell she's going back to her old abusive self, where all I am is her punching bag. I can't handle it and this has made me feel a way I never wanted to feel again. I can't go through this again. I don't know what to do.