whats the point in this life

Yesterday I wrote a long question and hit the wrong button and lost the lot I was furious ..Sometimes I find this site very helpful to off load but there are days I find my self judging people .. I don't mean too , I think its hard because there are different levels of depression , I consider mine servere ..

Often people will say go out and take up painting or have a fish super to treat yourself .. what do you do when you cnt do those things ..?? When you are so sick of your life all you do in lie on the bed with thoughts of killing yourself ..

Pills have failed me CBT is a waste of time . I once went to A&E I said I wanted to die .. they sent me home with in the hour and told me to see my GP

I don't feel I have a place in this world . no family no friends .. life goes on around me and I just sit and watch it ..I find myself being jealous of people on tv people passing my window .. I have nothing and no one that matters to me .. I have a daughter but she doesn't invite me into her life , tbh I don't blame her , I am miserable and sad constantly .. where do I go now what do I do .. I am so sick and tired of this grim existence ..

People reply often we are what we chose to be , I don't believe that , we need to make more effort , when this evil illness grips you hard what do you do?

Make an effort go on a bus ride ,,, that's what people say to me .. what do you do when you cannt ?

I don't want to be diagnosed with a life threatening illness bt if I died tomorrow I wouldn't care , no one would mourne me I have lived for 49 years and done nothing productive .. I hate my life I hate living alone.. I just feel like a nothing and a nobody ...

what do I do now ....

x

38 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Hi

    I'm not sure life has much meaning. We're born, we live, we die, the earth continues to spin. Of course there's a whole lot of good crap & bad crap within that living bit.

    You are wrong about having done nothing productive. You have a daughter. If someone has given life can they be said to have done at least one thing productive in a life? If you saw one of the strangers that pass your window with a son or daughter would you say they have accomplished something? If the answer is yes then would not the same apply to you? As for no one mourning you're passing wouldn't your daughter? It's easier to think no one cares because if we ever attempt to take our own life it will make it easier but the truth of the matter is people care about us, whether we want them to or not. It may be difficult for them to be around us sometimes because they don't know what we are going through & it can be difficult for us to express it.

    Going back to the productive thing...if your daughter has a child would not a grandchild be considered a productive result from your life? As that child grows & has some children of their own & those children have children, would that not be productive? Would a family that grows & grows be productive & something great & amazing and above all give a life meaning & make it worthwhile. Would such a person who helpded give life & whatever energy they could spare towards such a family be a good & blessed worthwhile person?

    Perhaps life does have meaning after all....

    What do you do now? Write to your daughter & say "hi, how are you?"

  • Hello Angel. Sorry you feel so low. Give yourself a hug from me.

    I know you've done at least one productive thing, just from this post. You raised your daughter. That is no mean feat. The thought of being responsible for a child frankly terrifies me. I have nothing but admiration for parents.

    I don't know you very well. Do you want to talk about your backstory? How your depression came about? Don't feel pressured if you don't want to.

  • My daughter has ocd and doesn't want children .. I distance myself from her because I feel like a failure and a burden .. x

  • She may not want children now but, as you know, people change their minds as they get older. How is your relationship with your daughter?

    I wonder, do you keep your distance to punish yourself & continue feeling like a failure & burden?

  • Hi

    Oh no! I've had that happen as well - isn't it infuriating. Don't be so hard on yourself, we all judge people at times, it's part of being human.

    I agree absolutely, telling people to do things when they feel unable to and perhaps hardly feel able to function at all and get through the day is daft. It is helpful to have ideas in order to be able to consider them but you can only move forward in your own way and your own time when you are ready so again, don't beat yourself up about that. We all struggle from day to day with some better days and some awful ones.

    You say you went to A & E because you wanted to kill yourself - that is so sad. It's also bad that they sent you home and told you to see your GP, I wonder whether they got you a psych assessment and if so whether you were honest about how you felt.

    One thing that is very difficult about suicide is that if you do want to kill yourself then there isn't anyone who can stop you, no medic or friend or anyone here. It is important to say that because thinking someone can make sure you are safe is a fallacy and will lead you to hold onto a hope for something that doesn't exist. What people can do is to try to understand you and support you while you are feeling suicidal. Samaritans can do that and are a better place to turn to than A & E because they will listen for as long as you need them to, They won't solve the things that make you want to kill yourself but they will try to understand and offer you support. Sometimes if you get the understanding you need then that will enable you to feel a little supported for a time and gradually that can help.

    Having got that out of the way I am wondering about your life and what makes you unable to live it. I can identify with you in some ways because I sometimes feel similarly but I understand WHY I feel that way and do also enjoy my life at times. It seems you do not. You say your life is empty, that you have nothing and no-one that matters to you and that you do nothing but sit and watch life go by. You do not mention the father of your daughter, I wonder is he alive, dead, or divorced? I wonder whether your life felt any better when you were with him whoever he was, whether it felt more meaningful when you were in a relationship and produced your daughter.

    I certainly won't tell you to go on a bus, etc - sounds like Mrs Thatcher telling unemployed people to just go and look for a job - it makes the other person feel helpful but does nothing for you except to make you feel they don't understand, and you are right - they don't!

    You say your daughter doesn't invite you into her life - do you have a relationship with her at all, do you like her, do you tell her how you feel, does she live near, could you be more part of her life if she did ask you? Those things are important because if she does not know then she cannot share any part of her life with you but if she knows and doesn't want to then there is little you can do about it. I wonder whether because you feel your life is empty you are wishing your life could be made better by seeing her - and perhaps it could, but of course you also have to have a life of your own otherwise you will be living through her and that would make her feel burdened. I wonder whether you are angry that she doesn't seem to want you in her life?

    If your life is as empty as it sounds then it is no wonder you are depressed. Doing nothing and seeing no-one will exacerbate the depression, but at the same time I can understand why you feel you can do nothing. I agree meds and CBT can help some people for some of the time but often simply postpone the feelings for a time which can be helpful but can also lead to further despair at the fact that they didn't solve the underlying depression.

    You are 49 years old and have a life still ahead of you but at the moment you seem unable to imagine how it could be any different. You seem not to be able to accept any possibility that you can change things. I wonder where those feelings come from, whether they go back a long way, feeling helpless to get what you need. I wonder what your life would be like if you could change things, if it could be different, what you would want it to be like and if there are any aspects of it that you could achieve or whether it would all be unrealistic. The difficulty is that there is no inbuilt meaning to life - life becomes meaningful because it is associated with having felt loved and experienced enjoyment with other people. We find out life meaningful only when we have had meaning for other people. It seems that at the moment you feel you have never had any meaning for others but that simply can't be so - you must have had a great deal of meaning for your daughter at one time, also for your own mother when you were little. You must also have mattered to your husband or partner at one time, also perhaps other family members or friends you had at one time if you had any. What has happened to those memories?

    Suexx

  • i saw a psych a year ago who put me on duloxetine .. I am on mirtazapine have an app 15th may to see if I have a pituitary tumour ..

    I feel I am punishing my daughter and pushing her away kind of preparing her for my death .. I feel like I am a burden to her and she would be better off without me . I hate living alone I am so lonely , I could ring friends , I don't have more then 2 but I feel like I am just miserable and why would they wanna be around me ..

    I am still so very sad over my mums death almost 2 years ago I miss her everyday , she has left such an empty space in my life .

    I just feel so empty and numb I know doing nothing all day is driving me insane but I don't know what else to do , no motivation no goals ..

    Pills don't help me , CBT is useless gp wont do anything else for me until I have my hospital tests ..I am just lost and alone and feel numb and like I just don't want to live this life anymore .. x

  • Hi

    It sounds as though you have not resolved your grief for your mum and are becoming stuck in that. What you are doing to your daughter will harm her and I know you will not want that - can you talk with her about how you are feeling - I know you say you feel you are a burden to her and obviously talking with her about how distressed you are about the loss of your mum might feel as though you would be burdening her more but actually you would be giving her a chance to help you rather than be on the end of your anger- because you are right you are punishing her when your mum's death is not her fault.

    Of course pills won't help, they can't bring back your mum and your anger and pain about having lost her! I am sorry to sound harsh, but do the loving thing towards your daughter and share your feelings with her. She will love you, be hurt by your present behaviour, and want to see you get better - she will help you if she can, and if she can't then do get your GP to refer you for grief counselling specifically.

    I shared feelings about my childhood with my daughter when she was an adult and she says rather than feeling burdened by me she finds it lovely to be able to help me because I gave her so much when she was little. We are now close friends. I am sure your daughter would like the same good relationship with you, and it is also what you need.

    Suex

  • It sounds as though you are missing your Mum terribly...was that when your depression began or was it just that your Mum understood you better and stood by you?

    You sound as though you're both wishing for and yet fearing death as you express the dread of finding out that you may have a pituitary tumour. Is there any reason for them to believe that you may have one other than your seemingly untreatable depression? Have you had HPA axis tests that have come back abnormal?

    Many of us on here have visited the dark place that you are in at the moment. I personally underwent protracted ECT for suicidal ideation. It worked at the time but only by wiping my memory banks totally of over two years of my life.

    Over ten years later I still feel like a shadow of my former self and like you, spend time watching the world go by with no sense of purpose other than to get by from one minute to the next.

    I can offer no advice other than to try and keep hanging on in there. Tomorrow is your test date isn't it? Good luck, I will be thinking of you.

    (((Hugs)))

    Lorraine

    xxx

  • Sorry, I'm a month out over your test...I recalled the date but got the month wrong...sorry - so long to wait :(

    It must be so painful to be waiting to find out.

    Keep on posting Angel, we will support you to the best of our ability, which may not seem a lot but together, hopefully we can get you through this difficult time.

    Lorraine

    xxx

  • I don't know what an hpa test is , where are you living Lorraine I would like to try ect but has never been offered . I have been depressed all my life even as a child I had problems .. x

  • Im in the Bournemouth area Hun.

    xxx

  • Hi :) can I ask if you have a job? and if so, how do you feel about this work?

    When I was depressed all I wanted to do was to stay in bed, I hated my flat, I had feelings that my flatmates and friends didn't care for me and I had a relationship going downhill because of the way depression made me so down and irritable. One of the ways I helped myself was to get out my bed, go for a shower and get dressed. It doesn't sound a lot but I'm sure you can understand that when you do manage to get out of bed you do feel slightly better.That way you can prove to yourself and others that you are prepared and aiming to care more about yourself.

    If you don't have a job or a hobby the best thing for you to do is find something that you've previously had interest in or do a bit of voluntary work. What really got me through was the job I had that started at 1pm, so it wasn't first thing in the morning when there's the hopeless feelings of not wanting to get up. And this gave me something to aim for; even if I did not want to get up through feeling depressed, my body knew I had to and that I had a job to be doing that would benefit others. Even if you don't feel you achieve anything, you could infact be gradually building a list of productivity.

    As much as people with depression can't just "get up and pull yourself together" there is an effort that you need to make to prepare yourself for steps in the right way. I feel that you could use this link as a guide to help remind yourself of interests that you can tap into. I'm not saying run out the house and get on with these activities, I'm just saying have a wee look and maybe even google some facilities in your area; those specifically for people experiencing mental health problems and those for all general public.

    nhsaaa.net/media/142165/int...

    I can't possibly understand how you are feeling about your mum, but only you will be able to answer; how would your mum like you to manage this? Surely she wouldn't want you to spend your days thinking about her so much that it prevents you from getting on with your life? Would she like to see it in fact the opposite? It is a horrible shame that she is no longer here but perhaps she'd want you to take some positives and carry on for her? Feel her strength with you in order to work through this as well as relax?

    I feel that a lot of people have covered the topic of your daughter and meaning of life and have some really good points. No one with depression thinks they're fun to be around but you need them whether you see it or like it and they need you whether you understand that or not. I think sending a wee text to your daughter or one of your friends to simply say hi and ask how they're doing or what they've been up to is a good idea for you to break down the barriers that people with depression so often and harshly put around themselves.

    Sorry if you don't think any of my advice is of help but when I was down I thought I might as well try some things because what else did I have to lose?

    You'll find your feet :) and you're no longer allowed to say no one cares otherwise none of these people including myself would have taken time out of their day to read your message and encourage you :P

    Much love and support,

    Jenny xo

  • Hi Jenny

    You are right, it is worthwhile making the effort, but sometimes when I read things like that it makes me feel even more despair because on those days it is hard enough getting up in the morning and staying alive let alone finding the motivation to do things. I agree it is useful to make the effort on better days. Today the weather is so gorgeous I made myself go into the garden and did some work despite not wanting to because I am in pain and the effort was worth it, other days just the thought of doing anything extra feels impossible.

    Suex

  • I will be honest people telling me to help my self and make an effort angers me .. do some people understand when there are days I just want to die.. depression is an illness you can not just snap out off . I don't mean to sound harsh but I am tired of the you have to help yourself attitude , if you have cancer can you help yourself , the mind is a powerful force and when its goes wrong its devastating

  • Of course it makes you angry - when people tell you that you should feel glad to be alive, or to go out and do things then they are failing to understand you.

    When we are deeply depressed it is impossible for anyone or anything to help. At that point in time what we most need is for someone to understand how we are feeling, that is the only helpful thing. Like you I spent years feeling despair and deep depression and like you I felt unable to do anything about it. All you can do is to share how you feel, talk about your life and the pain that has led you to become so entrenched in self pity and to feel there is a lack of meaning in your life. My guess is that you feel your needs have not been met from an early stage of life, that you have done your best with your daughter yet still she does not want to know you which must leave you feeling angry towards her but also bad about yourself. You have had a hard time, probably hard in earlier life too so do try not to blame yourself for being depressed. When we have too much sadness and pain to cope with depression is a natural response. Give yourself some cuddles when you can, but most importantly share what has happened to you in your life. I can't say or do anything to make you feel any better but sharing your story will help.

    Suexx

  • WOW WOW WOW...done nothing productive??!!! Im 47 and I cant have children!

    Look I know how you feel and sometimes life does feel pointless but allow me to point out somethings you seem to have missed.

    You that is 'YOU' created the miracle that is LIFE, because of you, your daughter has a life with which she can do what she wants. Now I'm not saying she should be grateful, though I am grateful to my Mum and she uses the fact to guilt trip me every chance she gets...lol.

    So here it is Fallen Angel :-

    The stats are something like one sperm in one billion trillion gets to the egg, so

    a) youre a miracle!

    b) Then you were smart enough to meet a man, make a relationship work be that for a short time or years and get pregnant when you were fertile and able.

    c) Produce a wonderful human being with and amazing body, personality and brain.

    d) But get this Fallen Angel, you raised that girl, you fed, clothed her, you coped with the lack of sleep, you went without so she would have the things she needed. You looked after her when she was ill, saw her though diseases, coughs colds, held her hand, gave her advice, listened and you have NEVER given up on her, even if you don't get on so well right now. You are a dedicated mother, who went through all the tantrums, potty training, accidents, the teenage mood swings etc.

    How many parents Fallen Angel, abandon their kids, leave them to starve, abuse them, hand them over to boarding schools or nannies arent there for their kids when they need them?

    Parenting isn't easy and you will have made mistakes you're only human but think on this your daughter may one day have a child of her own and then you've given someone else the gift of life. Just because we struggle doesn't mean life isnt a gift and who knows what potential people have.

    You have done a VERY VERY special thing, something I never can.

    Also I am quite sure you have achieve other things equally great you're not giving yourself credit for.

    May I make a suggestion, you need to remind yourself that you are loved, that whatever you believe in God, the Universe, Angels, does love you.

    People say volunteer but you're not ready for that, so look on the internet and see how others suffer, are starved, abused hurt, have no water, no homes, only do that for say 10 minutes. When you realise you have been given running water, you have all your limbs, a roof over your head, food and clothes and what that means, that you can say almost anything without fear of being killed! etc.

    Realise the gifts you already have...you'll see you are loved.

    Then spend an hour or more looking at beautiful beaches, holidays, nice homes, make a folder and put the things you love in it or get a Pinterest account. Then listen to a few TedX lectures on how others have followed their dream. Watch funny stuff on youtube and make yourself laugh. Saturate your day with these things.

    It wont cure you, you'll still have bad days, but you'll start to understand you do have some options, life does offer you some choices that help you and slowly you will feel hopeful, once you feel hope then your on your way.

    Most important dont rush, this isnt a race. Years gone past you'd be dead by 35 you have lasted up 49 you have a lot of time a head of you so you can afford to move slowly and steadily towards things that make you happy and don't give a stuff what anyone else is doing.

    You are a smart wonderful person the world hasn't even seen a 10th of what you capable of doing. WoW Fallen Angel WoW, you need to pat yourself on the back....regularly. Im in awe for one :-). The only way now is up....slowly

    XXX

  • Thank you so much for the wonderful reply ...I didn't do a wonderful job raising my daughter her father left us when she was 12 she is now 26 and hasn't seen him since despite living 5 miles apart ,My daughter has OCD and issues , part of being raised by a server depressed parent I am sure .. I see no joy in life its that simple ... I am alone and I miss my mum who died 2 years ago ... xxx

  • Listen young lady I'm going to argue with you!!

    So you held your family together for 12 years!!!!

    Most marriages don't even last 2 years these days. Your delicate baby survived, disease, accidents etc, learned to read and write probably to ride a bike, sing songs, play games ALLLLLL because of YOU. Im not saying Dad didn't have some input...so YES you did do a good job. How many babys, toddlers, teenagers have died of neglect.

    Look I'm not saying your mother of the year though you maybe? But please DONT say you didn't do a good job. And Daddy dearest left?! Well I'd say that makes him a quitter, you never quit your daughter. My God half the reason she's reached 26 and hasnt died of a multitude of things is down to YOU!

    You say your relationship with your daughter is poor, but your missing the point WE ALL need our mothers. How many parents and siblings have split up only to come back together when there is more understanding. It's a fact of nature somewhere deep down your daughter loves you and you love your daughter. Honestly I should smack your legs :-)

    Look I know your down but think just for a moment, there have been times in your life when you have been happy. The first time you rode a bike, when you passed your driving test, when you had your daughter, and there will be happy times again. One thing you can be sure of in life ...NOTHING stays the same ever. You aren't now where you were 10 years ago or 10 years before that so isnt it conceivable you wont be in the same position in 10 years or even sooner in the future. No one knows what the Gods have in store for us.

    START SMALL, don't try and achieve big things, one step at a time. When things please you, write them down remember them, there will be more than you expect.

    You can mend things with your daughter thats easy, you're her mother and you're not a monster, you know that deep down. There are endless books and advice on how to win her over, so don't stress about that. But right now you need to get your hope back and your joy back.

    Start small, so what you have no friends, plenty of people don't have friends and family you can work towards building that up, but right now you need to look after yourself.

    Start reading or listening to audio books, engage alone with what is going on in the world, find something your interested in. I dont know a hobby or watching whales, learning to play piano, you're still young, a good 40 years a head of you to learn anything you want. Raid the library, read read read, or listen to audio books, listen to the radio. The world is a big place with a lot you can access.

    Believe me once you activate your brain it won't stop you, you will feel much better. The brain is such a huge tool so powerful. DON'T am to achieve anything just go and find out about stuff for fun! You might even what to read and understand about depression, it doesn't matter what it is. Learning something, anything new is a route to feeling better, you are never happier than when you are learning something you want to learn.

    Then what will happen is in your hunger to learn more you will seek more information, you may need to get that from specialists. As you gently move forward you wont even realise your making contact with people. Some of those people will want to be your friends.

    Normally the Arts are the most welcoming so if your into music, art or drama. They are sensitive people who have experienced depression.

    DONT STOP Fallen Angel, don't give up until SOMEONE makes you stop and pound to a penny no one will.

    Once you realise there is a world open to you no matter what your background or circumstance, once you realise how strong and resourceful you are....even alone. You will want to help others, they will help you. You will improve and your daughter will see this and become more inclusive.

    Nothing is more engaging than passion, people love to listen to and engage with passionate people. Your passion could be anything, anything at all, singing, knitting, dancing, science, maths problems, swimming, making jewellery..... You're a very smart woman you can see that in your replies.

    You have one life, well out of the 9 :-) See what you can learn, what you can do, what have you got to lose nothing. If the alternative is suicide what's a few, days, weeks or months difference going to make. Look into stuff. And know you are NOT alone, ALOT of people are and have been where you are right now.

    Imagine Fallen Angel if you could improve just a little, how much you could help others to improve, now surely thats worth living or dying for if ultimately you decided to end it all. Know one knows as well as you what it is to be an estranged mother, or to be depressed you could really help someone merely but understanding but making them feel they are not alone. One day you might write a book an autobiogrpahy that saves someones life who knows.

    My advice dont give up, dont ever give up, just keep pushing until something gives. Invest in you, you are the most important person on this planet, don't forget that. I have faith in you. BUT SLOWLY....move SLOWLY. The library... Fallen Angel, the library is a gold mine and its free, slip in and out unnoticed and FEED your brain.

    Im sure youve heard this story but here goes... a woman was walking along a beach covered in thousands of stranded star fish as she walked along she picked one up and threw it into the sea. An man came along and said what are doing, there are thousands of star fish, what difference will what you doing make! She picked up a star fish and threw it into the sea and said....it made a difference to that one.

    We become obessed with achieving, keeping up with the Jones, with what others think of us, who cares, its the small things that matter. Move slow, be kind to yourself, each day you leave the house is a triumph, each time you push yourself just a little further, to go to the library and read a book, to listen to the radio and form an opinion, to help a little old lady with anxiety to cross the road, it all helps it all matters and you change the world with your kindness and dedication.

    You have absolutely NOTHING to lose, except your sanity and if were honest that when years ago...lol.

    Im not making light of your troubles but I want you to know things will get better and not just because I say so, because you have already proved yourself now you just need a little polish. You have survived to 49 years old, not homeless, not in a mental hospital, not in prison, these arent small things.

    All my love xxx

  • CarolineLondon this isn't my post but just want to say your replies are truly inspirational. I have felt like fallenangel does now in the past (not now thankfully) and had I read replies like yours they may have moved me out of it faster. At the time I felt like I was left feeling like this for years and years and years and not knowing why and no help ; there were no forums like this in those days and no-one to share with; I just thought I was strange and weak and faulty. Thank God for this forum.

    Fallenangel I don't really know what to say except that it is good that you are still able to communicate how you feel to us which is a good sign, as expressing how hopeless we feel can sometimes relieve it a little. Sending you my love X

  • Hi that was a really kind thing to say thank you. I wanted to try and walk the fine line between being inspirational and understanding but sometimes I get over excited, as all I see is the potential in people and can go a bit over board. But my hope is the person knows I really care and have faith in their abilities. Im pleased you're doing well, its a credit to you XX

  • You are an inspiration and a beautiful soul xxx

  • Oh my god fallen angel I've just logged on seen your post. I'm the same I am infact I was thinking if I go no one will be bothered will they ... God bad day fir me really is bad enough .. I hope your ok x

  • No Ava I am not ok , I don't think I will ever be ok .. I am lonely no real family or friends .. I wake up everyday dreading living the same day over again ... Thanks for asking xx

  • Oh fallen angel a big hug honestly listen sometimes having family and friends your still alone trust me. The illness kind of mentally separates you from society. I'm going through a terrible time as well in fact yesterday I so wanted things to be over I started writing a letter to people. Your not alone at all honestly I feel your pain because I'm there. Ava xx

  • 'I', 'I' will be bothered! Who knows what you might achieve in the future? You simply don't know!!

    You might pull a kid out of the road and ensure it doesn't die. You might engage an 80 year old woman in conversation who hasn't spoken to a soul in days and make her week! etc You matter ...why because if you didnt matter in the grand scheme of things you wouldnt be here. That sperm would have fertalised a completely different egg!.

    You come into this world alone and you leave alone, its the bit inbetween that has potential. We are all alone and yet we are all in some sense together. Read, read, read, learn, use your brain and find out about anything every thing, then and I really mean this DONT let the bastards get you down. You have the same right to life and happiness as everyone.

    If you try, move forward slowly, you have exactly nothing to lose.

    I have faith in you, the not so smart ones are already dead.

    DONT EVER EVER give up, fight to your last breath to be the dysfunctional freak that you are :-) truth is we are ALL freaks, some are just better at hiding the fact.

    All my love xx

  • Caroline hi it's Ava here. You are a great advisor you really are. Your helping so many people . Do you suffer or have suffer depression ? I do and it's a killer. Xxx

  • Hi

    of course I suffer from depression and I can wake up crying but mostly thats when I feel fear and feel overwhelmed.

    Right now my situation is pretty bad, but I know that nothing stays the same forever, so when Im in my 'Im going to stick up for ME mood', I really do.

    When Im in the depths I just relent, I allow that I have lost that whole day and I just try and take it moment to moment, remind myself this is MY life and Im responsible only to me and in the grand scheme what is one or two days. I try not to let myself get in the mind spiral where EVERYTHING is black and I make a conscious effort to pull back a little.

    I know I have greatness inside me as do we ALL. I read once it isnt our failure we fear but our true greatness!

    I feel suicidal sometimes, my coping skills are to lay in the dark and listen to plays on radio 4 extra (distract my mind from looping through thoughts) or sleep, or draw, of which I do alot, maybe watch a film and merely give up.

    Sometimes my worse moments can hit me just walking along in the street, so I find a place I can hide in Park or Cemetary, rest, listen to positive stuff on my phone podcasts etc and only go on my way when I feel better and that can take an hour! I refuse to take medication mostly cos Im allergic to a lot of stuff and I hate pills. I get frequent migraines and have to take pills for those.

    Can I say something about your BBQ, I have no problem in any social situation because I learnt along time ago, most people are scared. Most people are worried what YOU will think of them, never mind the other way round. Most people are so relieved when you start a conversation and let them know your not scary and you recognise they too are frightened. We are ALL just people nothing more nothing less and your kindness goes before you.

    We all like to be liked, we all want to be accepted apart from a very small handful of over confident idiots no one wants to upset anyone.

    Remember when you were a toddler you wanted to make friends at any cost. You didn't care if the new kid was disabled, stupid, clumsy, boring, had the wrong clothes you just wanted to make friend and communicate, we haven't changed so much deep down a lot of adults are the same.

    Being grown up sucks, we all just want to be friends and if you do meet a jumped up snob just be polite and move along. You can even say to a stranger, "I hate BBQs they make me nervous and I never know what to say"...the other person will be soooo relieved they will agree with you 9 times out of 10. Don't worry about social situations, they are called social because utlimately we as a race want to be social, have friends or at least meet people who see us and dont cry out in fear...lol.

    Thank you so much Ava17 for your kind comments and interest.

    This is Fallen Angels forum and I don't want to detract from that, she's a truely magical girl allowing us to share like this through her sharing with us.

    So Thank you Fallen Angel and Ava17

  • Thanks Caroline your an amazing woman. I'm trying to train myself to have positive thoughts it's hard and yes I accept now that if a fir. Few days I have a blip then so be it. Yes it's fallen angels forum I understand, guess we all share the same pain which helps.. Ava xx

  • Thank you sooo much ... I fear I have no fight left in me Lonely days and nights are killing me slowly .. Thank you though for taking the time to care ,,, you're a beautiful soul xxx

  • So sorry FallenAngel that you're feeling so bad. Just wish there was something more we could do for you. Some of the advice I've read especially from CarolineLondon have been inspirational. ( to be honest Caroline's made my tears roll ) All I can say is that I've been where you are at the moment and wish that I will never be there again. Carry on communicating with us when you are up to it. I know we'll all be sending you hugs lovely one. xx

  • Awe Sam thats so kind thank you. Im for the people! My situation is truly aweful but you have to fight, you have to say I have a right to be here, to be me and say what I want! I will always be on the side of those who feel less than they should. Truth is we are all miracles, all forces of nature!!! We ALL deserve love and respect and I have lots of that to give. Honestly what makes me angry is those people who wouldn't try and make you feel less than you are. Who cares if you have a job, friends, money, a house and car, you have a right to be here no matter what you own or have even done in your life. We all contribute to this world even if sometimes we don't know how. I wish there were magazines that only told you how amazing you are, that there were spiritual radio stations that only talked about how amazing human beings are and News on the telly about triumphs over struggle. You and Fallen Angel and everyone on this forum may yet do amazing things with your lives and even if you don't just by your being here you make the world is a better ...MORE INTERESTING place. This earth, humanity cant do without people, we are the stuff of life! Shakespeare once wrote " We are the stuff of dreams" Big Kiss xxx NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

  • Sam Caroline and still trying thank you from the bottom of my heart .. I am so alone and afraid of this dark cloud . xxxx

  • A little at a time Fallen Angel, try and move a little at a time, if you can just listen to storys of others, play etc, relieve your mind from walking in circles. Watch inspiring films or find some thing that makes you laugh a little. Just edge to towards what you want and thngs will get better. The truth is you are alone, we are ALL alone, but that isnt a bad thing. it doesnt mean we cant come together in all sorts of ways. Even this forum is a start. You always have you and there is nothing more precious. Your ideas, your memories, your inner strength (which is there) keep trying and for each triumph...eg getting out of bed, making yourself food, talking here give yourself a deserved pat on the back its all moving toward a better future, there is NO rush. All my love xx

  • Blimey does someone feel like Klonking me on the head with all these positive rants....lol Im like that smiling dog, wagging its tale and always wanting to lick you or sit on your lap...lol....sorry get a bit carried away. I'll shut up now :-) BIG KISS and ALL my Love to you ALL xxx

  • Thanks FallenAngel and Caroline,two lovely ladies. And please don't be afraid Angel(hope you don't mind me calling you that as I'm quite sure you're not a fallen one). It's our brains that make everything a lot more scary than it is. We've got a big social BBQ today and I'm scared. Stomach churning and I feel sick but my antidepressants are calming these reactions(because that's all they are! They won't kill me lol). Yes I would like to hole my self up in my bedroom but as you say Caroline I've got as much right to be on this earth and enjoy it as the next person! Thinking of you Angel hugs being sent and thanks again Caroline xx

  • Sam66 we are all helping each other thank you so much for being so kind to me, really xx

  • Fallen Angel how was your day, how are you feeling? XX

  • I feel numb and sad , lonely and miserable xxx

You may also like...