I don't speak to my youngest sister any more

Haven't spoken or seen her since my 60th birthday at the end of January. She keeps having digs at me. For example If I say I am tired she asks me how I can be tired because I am not working unlike her. If I mention my depression she just says she is depressed and she has good reason to be. It's all about her. I have had a feeling for a few years now that she has a very negative opinion of me and it colours all her dealings with me. I then found out via Facebook that she thinks I don't take responsibility for myself and she has to and that I am jealous of her - her man, son, nice house and job. This couldn't be further from the truth. I told her this on fb and also mentioned her last dig at me. She then defriended me on fb! This couldn't be further from the truth. I now don't want to mix with someone who thinks I am like that. I do want to stay in contact with all my family but I can't after this. I keep wondering if I am at fault? I miss my family - only have 2 other sisters: one is a recluse and the other thieved all my mothers money when she was alive. I feel very sad about all this and wish I had a 'normal' family. Sigh...

12 Replies

  • What's a normal family???? Its been nearly ten yrs since I spoke to my 2 Bros and sister. Because I divorced my abusive, alcoholic ex husband they abandoned me and my children. They think its a crime to be a single parent but it was either I got rid of him or I would of ended up six feet under.. they thought he was lovely until I show them the scars

  • Hi

    I am sorry you have a sister who is unable to value you as the person you are and instead sees you as someone who is she can put down. I can identify with your experiences because I have a sister who does similarly saying things like 'How odd!' in response to my views or actions. Like you I stopped having much contact with my sister, and although I feel very sad about that I feel better for not having to constantly deal with her negativity.

    You are not at fault, you are protecting yourself from put downs which is the only healthy thing to do. Yes I know you wish you had a normal family, whatever that is, but you got the one you were born into and can't do much about that except accept that's how it is. They don't have to define who you are now as an adult. At our age (I am also a pensioner) we can decide for ourselves whether to continue to allow people to put us down and you have decided. Congratulate yourself and get on with living your life, it will not last forever.


  • What a horrid situation to be in. I find it so sad that family members can behave the way your sister has towards you. I think it's additionally hurtful she has been spreading her opinions of you on Facebook.

    I wish I had some advice I could give. Kind of makes me think of Lucy's post recently, about the things we can and can't control: how our families are is definitely something beyond our control!

  • Didn't put that very well Thomas. She only posted this to me on fb.

  • Hi coughalot. That sounds pretty rubbish, hope you're alright.

    Families are strange things. It's a bunch of people who are, mostly, thrown together by random chance, who have deep-seated bonds formed by circumstance rather than because they actually necessarily get on. I'm not really sure there is a "normal" when it comes to families.

    Don't think of it in terms of it being someone's fault. Nothing is ever as simple as being someone's fault. Does your sister actually have clinical depression, or when she says depressed does she just mean miserable? It could be that she's lashing out rather than have to look at herself too closely.

    Whatever the reason you need to think of your own wellbeing, and if it's past the point where absorbing the digs and put downs and accusations is worth staying in contact, then it's better to have nothing to do with her, strange or difficult as that might feel.

  • Hi, I just re-read your post and was thinking how it seems your sister is unable to empathise - unable to see from the other person's point of view - or maybe she just envies you for reasons connected to the past and can't see beyond those feelings. Think of yourself as the healthy one because you are not doing to her what she is doing to you! Suex

  • Hi I really sympathise with you about your sister. I have two sisters I rarely see, one

    Is busy with her life and family and always travelling here and there. I notice she had

    Changed over the years and was quite selfish, not just with me though, my other sister

    Is also married with grown up kids and I feel the rift happened when I left my

    Abusive husband 30 yrs ago.

    I see them maybe once a year, and feel one of them feel very uncomfortable

    About xDepression, this has caused me so much pain and tears. And now even if

    I have to go to hospital , I never put them down as next of kin and out my best

    Friend down.

    Cough a lot I think as Sue says all this can sometimes date back to childhood,

    But in fairness I don't think my sisters say anything negative about me. So

    Your sister sounds as if she is totally unable to be empathic to you. That tells

    Me that you are really much healthier than she is, if the truth be known. Sometimes

    Cutting the ties is the only thing to do for your health and peace of mind

    Anyway we can be good sisters in spirit to each other here, so it's not all bad,

    You always seem like such a kind caring person, so remember that.



  • There is a saying that all families are the same in that they are all dysfunctional.

    There was a famous psychiatrist Scottish who died a few years ago. R.D Laing

    We studied him years ago at university, his view was that the family and the

    WY they interacted with each other was responsible with a lot of mental illness.

    He had a few books. " The Divided Self" and " Madness Sanity and the Family"

    The second title may not be quite right as this is a long time ago. He was interesting

    For sure And worked a lot and researched a lot on schizophrenia . I am not sure

    I agreed totally with him . I am sure Sue will know of him too. I think he himself

    Drank a lot and was maybe frowned on by less left wing Psychiatrists. In fact

    There are some Psychiatrists who don't believe Depression is an illness. That it

    Is an emotion etc. I must re read them too for interests Sake.


  • Facebook is responsible for so much sadness in so many people's lives. Imagine a life without Facebook - would you ever have found out your sister's opinions of you? I always imagine that for every one thing a person says to me, they are actually thinking another ten. Text messages and social networking have a lot to answer for!

  • I don't think there is such a thing a "normal" family. I've not spoken to my two male siblings for ages my sisters keep interfering and I tell them to mind their own business and what made me decide to ditch them is a question I asked myself.

    "if this person was not a blood relative would I like them as a friend" I

    If the answer is NO then shut them out. I have been much happier since I did this and the guilt has gone. I do not need to please them any more. it has given ne freedom. Why swim oceans for somebody who wouldn't jump puddles for you.

    Take care of yourself (your the one that matters) good luck xxxxx

  • Trust me most families are dysfunctional!

    You really don't know what's going on behind closed doors.

    I think your situation hasn't been easy, but I think you have to do what's right for you.

  • Thanks for all your replies everyone. Much appreciated. I just feel very sad by it all but I do feel a sense of relief. Sad because I have tried so hard over the years to keep in touch with my few remaining family members, especially my youngest sister, and relief because I no longer have to keep defending or explaining myself to her. I used to stress about it quite a lot. After my mum died last June there is no common cause now to keep us in touch. I have got quite a few friends who are do have better families eg a friend who lost her hubby 2 years ago is going on holiday with her brother and his family. I couldn't imagine myself doing that with mine. It is clear that my family don't want me. I was also speaking to a couple of acquaintances, members of a very large family who are all very good friends as well. They all keep in touch and go on holiday together and I was feeling envious. Maybe that's not the norm but aren't they lucky? Unlike most of you I don't have a partner/and or children and thought of having no family at all is horrendous. Other friends are very close to their parents and siblings - in fact it's the norm in my circle of friends. I feel that it must be my fault. That's why I rarely go on holiday - my friends all go with their families several times a year. Or their families visit them frequently. I would love to have a close family unit. I really envy them. I either stay at home or go on my own. I am forced by circumstances to be a lot more solitary than I want to be as I am very sociable and friendly and like to enjoy life. I do have friends to go and visit, one is in Cheltenham and the other is in Stockport but it's just me! On my own.

    Rambling now and feeling sorry for myself so will go. Thanks again for your replies everyone. xx

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