Does anyone else have Borderline Personality Disorder?

Hi people,

I'm David for those who don't know me from this website. I recently got diagnose with BPD at the beginning of this year.

What I'm also doing is conducting a project together regarding BPD for my college project.

Can you please answer the following questions please?

How do you find living day to day with BPD?

Where do you seek support if any with BPD?

When do you feel at your most vulnerable with BPD?

Who diagnosed you with BPD?

What are your personal thoughts of BPD?

And How does your friends and family cope?

PLEASE PLEASE only answer if you have BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER or living with someone with this. anyone who doesn't feel comfortable please private message me and I will speak with you there. All help appreciated.



9 Replies

  • Hello David,

    Please forgive me for not replying about the actual topic but just wanted to say it is nice to see you posting, as I have been wondering how you were doing over the past few weeks.

    Take care, and hope college going ok etc.

    Gemmalouise X

  • Hi David

    No sorry I don't, but I hope the project goes well.


  • Hi David,

    I have a lot to say on this subject so I hope you don't feel like I'm witting on. I can only really explain what living with BPD is like now if I put it in context of what my life was like before. So here goes, my sad story...

    I started self harming when I was 12 when I started being bullied by some girls in school, they called me names like "beast" and "man" as I was taller, not into makeup and liked hanging with guys (in all honesty in hopes of getting a boys attention, even back then this is all I wanted). Always wanting to be strong and pretend nothing mattered I didn't tell anyone until the day my mum found my cuts on my arm, the bullying was stopped but I started a cycle that has taken years of therapy to stop.

    All the way through high school I was unable to get any male attention and the self harm continued but I got better and hiding it. My grades suffered and I ended up purposely failing my A levels as a bit of a cry for help. Knowing what I know now I'm certain I went through a period of depression. To all my friends I was the loud, confident, sexually open girl they loved to have at parties. It was exhausting keeping up the emotional lie to hide the shame.

    When I left home and school I became best friends with a guy I met at work. I was the first person he ever told he was gay and after a long time I was able to tell him I was self harming. Though for a long time I felt I as in love with him I realise I loved what he gave me, constant attention and affection, I was the most fun to be around and a relationship like that gets intense. When he went out with other people and didn't invite me it was like the world was falling apart, "why didn't he want me there?" "doesn't he like me anymore" and for so long I kept these feelings bottled up in my self harm because I knew it was crazy to feel like that and I was terrified about losing him, he was my world. But of course we weren't having sex and I felt like there was something missing, I'd always considered myself (and still do) a sexual person so felt I needed that. I lost my virginity at the age of 20 when I gave up on the right guy, any guy wanting to be with me didn't arrive and took a stranger home from a club. I wouldn't say I completely regret it as I have not yet met someone I would wish had taken it.

    I moved to London with my friend and after a year is when things started to get really bad. I started dating and a problem I still have is that I don't seem to find very nice guys, I swear they're lovely and attentive at the beginning but after not very long they start to detach and ignore and as you'll know for a borderline this is devastating. My friend got really worried about me so forced me to seek help, I wasn't ready to at the start and felt really betrayed by him telling people at work (confidentially people who are their for this kind of support but still hard to swallow) but after I attempted to take my life I decided I couldn't live like that anymore. I felt constantly empty, couldn't concentrate at work, slept for 12 hours a day, my self harm was getting worse and when I managed to stop I'd use alcohol or sex (sometimes extreme sex causing pain) to escape from what I was feeling. I wanted desperately for someone I was close to to be there but at the same time frightened at them knowing what was in my head and that they'd abandon me if I told them. I literally felt like my head would explode with what I was feeling, the guilt of others knowing I was in such pain and the shame of not being able to cope with situations I didn't think were extreme. I had to detach myself completely, took months of work and slowly started to slip into a hole of disappear. I felt angry at my friends and family for making me feel guilty that me taking my own life would hurt them, how dare I have people in my life who cared. This was a long period of depression but before this when I was on various medications for depression I was so confused how I could be up one second then down the next. What brought me up was feeling intimate with someone so I used the internet to try and find those feelings with others, I did a lot of sleeping around and only stopped when it stopped working. I tried doing relationships, fuck buddies and everything in between, nothing worked, even those I felt would never betray me felt like they did and I was devastated every time. I thought I should be locked up to save the world my infliction upon it but in all honesty I just think I wanted someone to care about me enough to put me there so I had looking after, affection.

    So to your questions;

    I was diagnosed with BPD about 3 months ago by my psychotherapist who i've been seeing for a year now and I was so relieved I cried, everything finally made sense! I suffer quite badly with all but the violent symptom (though during my depressions irritable phase I could think of the most disgusting insults and punishments for people just bumping into me in the street).

    Living day to day with BPD is made easier by the fact I now know what I'm dealing with and the diagnoses brought me out of my depression so not having to deal with suicidal thoughts on a constant basis helps. It's sometimes hard knowing that I'll never be cured and I sometimes get angry that the parts I like about my personality have been caused by this. It's made me second guess my actions now like the other day I went out with a friend for drinks, turned into a late one and I brought a guy back with me. Was that me who wanted that or my need for affection? Does anyone do that because they need affection? Is it wrong to want affection? It's made me question a lot as you can see. I act on my impulsivity more now as I know it's what my brain wants to get a hit rather than stopping myself until the point I go mental and go on a splurge. I avoid alcohol if I'm in a particularly low place to not aggravate it. I kind of see my BPD as a different person to me, times when I've turned up crying drunk at a guys house begging to be let in just weren't the person I wanted to be but felt I turned into when I needed that affection. I definitely feel less pathetic asking for affection now, a hug goes a long way. I also believe BDP is the reason I'm bisexual. I am all for "you're born this way" but I've never wanted a girlfriend, I've just been open to intimacy with them, now I've been diagnosed it's ebbed a bit.

    I'll be leaving psychotherapy in 5 weeks and after that I honestly don't know where I'll go for support. My friends and family don't know about my BDP. They know I've been suffering with depression but not how I've come out of it and I'm not sure if I will tell them. There's such stigma around this that I'd be heartbroken if they didn't support it thinking it was rubbish or something like that so it holds me back. I've stubbled along this while I've had a down moment so maybe the net for help, I'm not sure how much this has helped but hope it will help others.

    I feel most vulnerable when I'm alone for a long period of time, especially if I wake up and don't have to be anywhere. All I want is affection from people so lack there of is a real problem. My biggest knock is when I am cancelled on last minute, it's like my fix has been pulled away from me and the empty feeling engulfs me. Being impulsive alone just don't do anything for me. I need someone there to be happy/less empty.

    My thoughts...I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I hate having it. I hate that I need constant affection to feel human, I was raised to be independent and I can't do that with BDP. I'm terrified I won't find someone who can accept me for who I am and I'll end up alone. I'm confident that I will never get to the point again that I've been the last few years though. I just really wish I didn't have to deal with it forever, the thought is exhausting. I don't like that no matter what my goals are they are orientated towards finding a partner, that I'll never be content with a normal life if I don't get my medicine. It feels like living with an addiction but not one your can give up, I've tried to, worst move ever. I hate that I can't get motivated to do things alone so study is impossible, projects are unfinished and my book stopped at chapter one. I think we have a bad name out there. That we'll do anything to manipulate things out of people and though I can understand the thought behind that I am very good at manipulation, analysing people and doing whatever I can to get them to love me....but is that so bad? It's not forced, I don't lie I just use the words at my disposal and I'm a nice fun person you'd love to have in your life. Advantage of BDP is that we're impulsive, entertaining and lets be honest damn good in bed, why wouldn't you want that?

    So I've said a lot and probably well off helping you with your study but if you want to know anything else specific don't hesitate to message me, nothing is too personal.


  • hi, im overwhelmed by your response and honesty. ive just checked this on my phone as had a really bad weekend so i will defo be using your info to help with my project and thank you sooo much for sharing this with me


  • Hi have bpd also I got diagnosed in 2012 I hate it

  • Hi there I have BPD somedays its ok like there is no illness at all but other days its hell like today. I just couldn't face the world I stayed at home and hid. I felt like I am not good enough to do my job today and I can't catch up. Everything is a mess. I needed time out for my head to catch up and think clearly as it runs so fast. My family all know and are supportive. But no friends know or clients that's the worst bit having an illness that no one would understand and that is portrayed in such a bad light on the internet as well. I run my own business I am an accountant and if I were to mention the words mental illness I know I wud lose work. I wish society didn't think this way but it does. My husband now ex-husband didn't understand the illness he said it changed me and he just wanted the real me back. He left me about 3 years ago and blames the illness that he does not understand for the reason he left. He also thought I wud never get better and wud not get off the meds so not be able to have children. Eight weeks after leaving me he got together with someone else they now have a baby together. All I have left is my business but some days I struggle to even deal with that as funds are tight living on your own. I have had a boyfriend since he was lovely to start with I decided to be honest about the BPD and then eventually that was used against me saying I was manipulative, a liar etc etc. I understand I see things and hear things differently to other people but I cannot help the way my mind is built. I was a victim of abuse in my child hood that it was I have BPD. Post traumatic stress is a better label if u have to give it a label for BPD because I do not feel it is a personality disorder. This is something my dr agrees with. I feel very cross that bcoz I was a victim of abuse it has now come back and bitten me on the bum in my adulthood. I am not allowed a husband or a family? Why am I actually here? Just to work whick makes me so anxious feel that will slip away now. I am currently going to a NHS group for coping skills mainly DBT skills it is based on mindfulness. I am using the skills as best I can I hope with this and some further therapy I will be ok. Its not easy but then life never is its just the loneliness that eats away at me. This is the first time I have ever done anything like this, I hope to help others and me. I welcome repliers. Many thanks.

  • Hello there H3aven1yhelpplz , I am just replying to you because you say it is your first time and it must have taken a lot for you to disclose about yourself on here. I just wanted to say the original post was over a month ago and I'm not sure how often David checks his responses as he hasn't been on for a while, but in any case it doesn't matter but I did not want you to worry if you didn't hear from him.

    It is very interesting what you say. I agree that borderline personality

    disorder has a terrible "press". I often wonder as well if it is over diagnosed(and being honest incorrectly diagnosed in many cases) as a lot of people are getting this diagnosis at the moment. It seems to be a "catch all" for things they don't quite understand in my opinion and also there seems to be quite a lot of funding for therapy around for people with this diagnosis and i feel that pschiatrists have to sometimes put people in these boxes to get therapy for people. However your therapy will help you as DBT covers such things are mindfulness and understanding our emotions which can help anyone who is distressed, so try not to take too much notice of the "label".

    I am so sorry to hear of your abuse,and it does seem so unfair that you are the one who is being labelled when someone else has done the damage; maybe the important thing maybe for you at the moment is to remember you are a whole person, you are an individual and your diagnosis will only refer to a part of you anyway (that's if it's correct ! ) as you still have your own personality and traits. And also that you can recover from what happened to you.

    It is really good your family are supportive; regarding boyfriends and so forth I guess you don't have to disclose your diagnosis. I can see how easy it would be for someone to turn things around in the way you describe. It is like when someone discloses they are bi-polar people will often tell them they are getting "high" when they just don't like what they are saying. ie THEY are being manipulative and using the other person's disorder to manipulate.

    Anway i just wanted to thank you for sharing your story; sharing will hopefully ease the lonliness you feel a little. Also I really hope that tomorrow is a better day for you .

    Gemmalouise X

  • Hi there and if this is your first time your very welcome. I don't know

    An awful lot about your diagnosis. But here we are all coping with different

    Problems so don't worry about being the only one at the moment. It's

    Not easy being on your own, and there are lots of people on the site in the same position. At least you are getting therapy. It's great that your family

    are supportive, that's a great help.

    I could empathise with what you said about your concentration

    Being bad, anytime I was really depressed I did find work very hard

    Sometimes. And things would take me twice as long to do. Like you

    I felt I was always playing catch up.

    Anyway people here aregreat And helpful and you will get lots

    Of support.


  • Sorry David, I don't have BPD though I have worked with many people who have! Good luck with the project.

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