I need to not be alone.

[Flo7]

I recently told some of my story in an earlier post and am so grateful for the replies. It was a start, an opening up. Right now.. I need to feel connected to people, others who also are walking through pain. I need to NOT isolate myself, I know that when I do then the 'black dog' becomes a giant, and his roaring in my ears, my head, my soul is so scary.... I retreat even further. The roots of my pain comes from feeling invisible and silent as a child, I was a well child but had 3 sisters who eventually died of a hereditary disease. I felt I didn't count. So I became a loner... But I long for people to come close...for contact. But I see myself as a magnet which has its polarity reversed... I want to be close to be, I'm desperate to be close yet I don't think people can cope with my neediness. I try so hard not to show it...and I beat myself up when I do and when I am isolated. Sometimes all I need to hear from a friend is.. It's ok, I am here. I don't necessarily need anything more.

[Gambit62]

There are lots of people here that know what you are going through.

Unfortunately we can't all be on line all the time.

Have you thought about joining a society that has lectures? This might give you the chance to get used to being around people without feeling that you need to interact with them all the time?

Also hear what you are saying about the losses when you were younger. Your earlier post mentioned that you had never had the chance to grieve. Have you thought about contacting Cruze. May be you could work out some sort of mourning ceremony that you could do that would help you with the saying good-bye and may be ease some of the desperate sense of loss that you have. Could you plant a tree - or sponsor a tree for each of them and visit the site?

Or may be you have a momento of each of them that you could use to make some sort of burial or a memorial where you can still feel their presence but without the sense of loss.

[Flo7]

Hi Gambit.. I'm not asking for there to be people online all the time.. Just a bit of connection and encouragement. and I did grieve when I had my 'breakdown' (I hate that word). It is just that I still act in similar ways and still feel the same feelings and sadness. I don't think that will ever go away. Good idea about the club or society. I do normally go to a dog training club and occasionally a photo group and you are right, that is good. But occasionally things rear their heads again.. Thats when I push things down again and want someone to see me.

[Gambit62 in reply to Flo7]

Didn't mean to imply that you expected everyone to be on line all the time -sorry.

I still have a pair of my dad's reading glasses at the top of the stairs - helped me feel less as if he was gone completely when he died.

For you the events may have happened years ago but the emotional recognition is still quite raw so not surprised things resurface.

Really missing my dad right now even though its 13 years.

[Flo7]

That's ok Gambit... It's great that you have had a good father figure... Remember the good times.. He obviously gave you a lot and meant everything to you and that is so precious...<3 Tap into his strength xx

[Stilltrying_]

Hiya, I missed this post at the time. (sometimes they don't all show up or I was rather preoccupied with how I was feeling or something like that)

Although my circumstances are different i can really relate to the feelings you are expressing. I have a big problem with the idea and the feeling that I am not connected enough when i am on my own. If there was someone here, (just literally in some ways a presence but it would have to be a comfortable one )I would not feel like that. I think for me I am frightened of never having that but I did know someone before and he kept me company so I know it is possible.

Don't know if you are still around? People tend to post and then disappear and I always wonder how they cope or what they do or what sort of follow up there is for them but I hope you can read this and at least see that there is someone who gets the same sorts of feelings as you. I do think the word "needy" is overused by selfish people who just want the easy life. The problem may be that you don't have much self confidence and so aim low in the people you meet and then because of their own inadequacies they cannot cope with you being "normally needy". I believe this to have relevance to myself in some ways anyway.

It is most tragic what happened in your childhood . I can completely relate to being invisible, and now of course you have this sort of unmet need which you probably feel guilty about; but think about it the one's who were ill were getting all the attention, it was like you did not matter and so somehow you've learned to believe this and in some ways become that person and feel guilty about needing to matter.

We all need to matter to other people. We may feel ambivalent about closeness but that is fine as well if you are like that. You are probably just frightened of being let down and not getting what you need so would rather not risk it which is understandable.

I think people vary in how much "neediness " they can take. If you have other compensating qualities then reasonable people will take this into account and maybe as you feel more settled and secure your "neediness" will decrease.

Feel free to make contact on here when you are able and wanting.

Gemmalouise x

[Flo7 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Hi Gemmalouise... so great to get your post and I am still here.. Thank you for your words <3 Certain phrases of what you say struck home..Firstly about self confidence... I have made myself to be totally self confident on the outside and professionally in my job, while inside I am not so. About neediness.. I don't think I am being selfish and wanting an easy life..far from it. About feeing quilty about needing to matter..I do BIG time. About being frightened of being let down.. it has happened so often. It is helping having feedback, so thank you. I wish I knew more 'reasonable people' as you put it.. and they didn't run away. I hope my words and reply make sense.. <3 and you are a gem!

[Stilltrying_]

Hiya back! You misread or I did not express well one bit of what I wrote. When I said the term "neediness" was misused by people who wanted the easy life; what i meant was sometimes selfish people will tell you that you are needy when they just can't be bothered to put themselves out. So i wasn't saying you being "needy" was being selfish; I was sayingTHEY were being selfish by using that phrase to you as presumably you calling yourself that (needy) someone must have told you that you were? But maybe they used that phrase not because you genuinely are but because THEY are just lazy or unbothered. Does that make sense? Or is it just you that thinks you are needy?

As for knowing "reasonable" people I know what you mean; it has come as quite a shock and a sad fact to me of how limited so many people are. It is important to get that the right way round in your head though; it is THEM who are limited. There are some decent people out there. Many of them are taken and in long term relationships. I don't know if you were talking about personal 1 to 1's in that way but that is a fact; most of the good ones are taken and so we have to search real hard or get someone second time around. If you're talking just generally it does depend I think what area you live what things you mix with; maybe think about the sort of people you value the sort of qualities you value and ask yourself how you can seek out those people without worrying too much about the neediness thing. Put it to one side for now.

I can relate to the idea of a "front"as I think you are suggesting. Look on it as a positive that you can give a confident image, but also work on making that "inner you" a bit stronger. Try and understand how it has come about it no fault of your own and try and be compassionate to that side of you that is struggling. An idea may be to pretend that that side of you is another person say a friend and how would you talk to a friend who was feeling like that, how would you show you care? It can be easier to sort of seperate it out like this so you almost think of that part of you as a seperate person; a child maybe who needs your help, as some parts of you may still be feeling like you did when you were younger but did not have the opportunity to express it. This is normal and nothing to worry about too much. You just need to try and find a way of how to help that part of yourself through it now, and be nice to that person!

Gemma X

[Flo7 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you so much Gemma.. really appreciate you words and heartfelt comments. I can see you understand.. and I like your last paragraph.. ! completely right <3 Trick is living it..<3