Too many losses

Well, here it is. I'm a senior if that makes any difference. I have lost 2 parents in the last few years. We were very close and the 7 years my darling independent mum had alzhtimers was tramactic as I carried both my grief and my dads. I still morn their loss. Also, my only child, an adult son has dismissed me from his life and I don't know why. I have tried and tried to open communication with him but to no avail. I divorced when he was very young and he is living near his dad in the states. I am fortunate as his dad and I are friends he lets me know how my son is doing. Son was very close to his grandmother, yet he didn't even call when me when my mum died. I'm so hurt and confused. My son is very bright but is a liitle odd in some respects. He had learning disabilities, is still into role playing games...is a computer geek. Without going into details, I suspect that he has a personality problem. He was raised in a very gentle and caring family. It's been 10 years since I have heard from him although he did come home to attend his grandfathers funeral.

My family was once a large one but they are all distant or have passed on. Sometimes I feel so lonely and abandoned and life seemes such an effort. There are a lot of little things thT I just don't care about any more. I am on medication for depression and a sleep disoder and do have the support do husband and 2 friends. However, these don't fill the hole in my heart.

18 Replies

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  • Thank you for sharing your story.

    Alzheimers is a very cruel disease. The loss of a parent is bad enough without having to go through that.

    I'm sorry to hear about your son.

    I hope that telling your story has given you a little relief.

  • Yes, they say alzhtimers is the long good bye. My parents were very much in love, she was a war bride. Their love was like a fairy story. Even when we finally had to put her in a home ( worse day of my life) she would still flirt with my dad and call out his name whe we were leaving. I wonder if this can cause PTSD because there are times when I am sure I have gone through this. Thank you so very much for your kind words. Now that I've confessed all here I think I will be more free to talk about it

  • I remember a program that Maureen Lipman did a few years ago now on memory. Her own story involved going to a hypnotist who helped her by getting out of the grief state where she was reliving her husbands death and back into the normal state of remembering his life - technique was neuro-linguistic programming. The program also talked about PTSD - its what happens when we get permanently stuck in that loop that has us relieving rather than passing on to actually remembering normally. It is quite common - affects well over 25% of the population. Have you had any grief counselling - it might help if you haven't. CRUZE is probably the best known charity dealing in that are.

  • Hello and welcome to you. It is fab you are a senior ! So sorry to hear of your loss of your mum. There is little joy in Alzheimers and it is terrible to see those who were once strong going downhill; life can be so cruel sometimes. Very sad about your son losing contact too.

    It does seem tough getting older and I can really understand your feelings as everything is more of an effort as the years pass and maybe health declines a little. I guess it can get frightening at times. I am in my 50's. I just try and live one day at a time as I do fear for getting older and with no relatives apart from I have a sister and a neice. My parents are still alive but are 87 and 91 and I know they cannot go on indefinately.

    You are always welcome here.

    Gemmalouise :)

  • Thank you so much for your prompt and kind response. Apart from the battle with a bad back I'm in good health. It's the sorrow I feel that puts everything in a different perspective, so many things just don't matter anymore.

  • Gentle hugs. I lost my mum last year, she had dementia. It is a very cruel illness because it robs us of loved ones before we physically lose them.

    It's hard when we have gaps in our family caused by things we can not control. I don't have any answers for you but just wanted to send you a gentle hugs.

    Jillyxx

  • My tears are forming at your reply. Sometimes a gentle hug matters so much. Thanks

  • Hi lassy. Lovely to meet you and welcome to the site. I lost my mum too last year. She wasn't diagnosed with dementia but I suspect she had it. I am nearly a senior but have to wait until 65 to get my pension lol.

    It's not good to have health problems but you will find a lot of help and support here. We are a very nice bunch. At least you have got some support and more than many here but I understand what you are saying. It's a sad fact of life that as we get older more and more of our friends/relatives go isn't it? Lots of hugs x

  • Oh my, I'm so touched by the love and caring coming my way from so many people. It is a comfort to me

  • Hi Lassy your very welcome here. It is always hard when parents

    Die.my own have been dead for nearly nine years and I still miss

    Them a lot. I feel death is a part of life and apart from taxes it's

    One thing we can be sure of.

    Losing contact with your Son must be so so hard, try not to blame

    Yourself . Unfortunately we cannot control how others ,or our biological family behave, we can only control our reaction to their behaviour.

    It's good that your husband is supportive to you.

    Maybe your son is not well emotionally or mentally

    He may get back in touch again if he gets some treatment. This losing

    Touch may be part of his illness and he might not even be aware of your pain as a mother. I know it's hard to understand this , All you can do is to look after yourself as best you can,

    We will support you by our hugs and stuff, you sound like a strong

    Person and let us know how your doing.

    Hugs to you

    Hannah

  • Hi Hannah, I am over whelmed by the kind words and encouragement I have received since writing this morning and I thank you so much for the the time to write this messages to me.

    They say what cannot be cured has to be endured. I think I'm doing okay with this...but sometimes, especially when I'm tired or feeling especially down it all hits me like a freight train. I feel as if I've made friends here today.

  • Hi Lassy. I wanted to send you my love. I felt I could relate to you in some ways and really wanted you to know you need not feel alone, as this group can be a wonderful place to gain support. I am 37, my dad died when I was 17 and my world changed so much. I could be surrounded by people but still felt so alone. My mum was in her 40's and met someone quite soon after which was a very trying time for myself and 2 brothers, but her new partner was someone I eventually grew to love as a parent figure. He sadly died 4 years ago. I am the only sibling who lives close to my mum and I am the only one who has been treated for depression and suffered with it a number of times. I have recently struggled with a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, but I believe losing my dad seemed to shut a light off in me which I have always struggled to switch and keep back on. My mum and I, although we had not been close, have been more thrown together since her partner passed away. We struggle with our relationship, but I have been there for her, I do love her. She retired a few weeks ago and I know she feels it, not having a partner to share her time with, and my brothers are both far and wide. The older is in Australia, the younger in London. We live in the north east of Scotland. I can see how hard it is for her when she doesn't hear from the son in Australia who has a family, sometimes for a number of weeks, as she worries what must be wrong, then worries why he doesnt care. He does not keep in touch with me at all, although I have tried to tell him we need him to stay involved in our family, but he just let it all go. I know he spends hours on computer games and his wife speaks of him being distant from even his own family. I have no idea why he moved away from us 'mentally' but he seems okay, so we are the ones who feel it as loss. I know life can seem completely pointless and death more appealing when you have such grief with loss, but you do matter. I don't keep in touch with so many friends now since my struggle with arthritis made it hard to keep to anything set, so I know it can be tough but I find this group such a support, even just to discover I am not alone in these feelings we struggle with. If you and I were near each other I would love to share a cuppa and a proper chat. You are a good person who is not alone. X

  • Oh boy, do I ever feel a connection with you. Our situations are different but we seem to have feelings in common...your brother and my son. Where in Scotland are you? I am first generation Canadian. My mum was English and my dad Scottish. A few years ago now I finally met my relatives in Fauldhouse. It was like coming home and a wonderful story that is too long to tell here. My grandparents immigrated to save "the boys" from working in the mines. My husband was born in Kirdcauldy and his family came to Canada when he was 14. I grew up steeped in the Scottish "way." I always say I was born in Canada but my soul isin the U.K. I have relatives in the north of Scotland too. If it weren't for ties here I think I would to the UK where I really feel at home.

    Yes, it would be wonderful sit down for a cuppa with you. Shall I pop over today?

    I so appreciate the time you took to tell me about your life and struggles. I don't think I mentioned that I actually devoted 7 years of my life and gave up my career to care intensely for my adored parents. I would do it again in a minute but you know, I think the trauma has taken a piece out of my soul never to be replaced. My dad died in my arms after having a stroke and it was a gift to be there with him. I sometimes relive the moments of those years and it's as though it happened yesterday.

    It's early morning here so I am going to slip away to make a coffee feeling overwhelmed at the love and caring that has been sent my way.

    Ta ta the noo

  • Have you thought about coming back to visit Scotland? You say you couldn't move because of too many ties in Canada, but maybe you could visit again and see your relatives? Could give you the boost you need. :) x

  • Hi there, I'm heading towards senior I feel

  • I am so sorry about your losses. I have went through a lot myself. I have a daughter that has nothing really to do with me unless you want something. She has kept my grandchildren away for me over the years. She has been into drugs when she was younger and she was an exotic dancer. I find that it has been a very difficult life for me. She's had 3 abortions. And then at one time I had to keep her little daughter and I raised her for 6 years. When she got her back she would not let me see her. It just broke my heart. Then when that little girl grew up. She left her husband and for children. I find that life has been very hard for me as it is from any of us. I have a heart disorder called atrial fib. I have sleep apnea. And I find that I'm not the strongest person that I would like to be. I find that it has been difficult but I have to go on. I enjoy hearing from you and maybe we could keep in touch. Our children do not know what it's like to be hurt so deeply. Thank you and I am sorry about all the misspellings. I have a smartphone that I can speak into and it doesn't always do what I want it to. Have a good day and God bless you.

  • Hi lassy .. I lost my mum to dementia 18 months ago , it is a cruel harsh disease .. People say the loss becomes easier but for me I feel as bad as the day she died .. I have 1 sister that I have not seen for over a year and a daughter who left home a year ago ,, the loneliness is killing me slowly I feel for you xx

  • Yes, people do say the loss gets easier etc. but I think rather then getting easier, you learn to cope a little better as time passes and the grief does ease somewhat. You know, I still feel so close to both my parents that they are as real in my mind as they were in life. I can see my mum in my minds eye sitting right beside me. I've never told anyone this but if my mum knew the grief I carry she would be furious at me and give me a heck of a lecture about getting on with my life. She was such a strong person. I can just see her finger shaking at me while telling me off. :-)

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