Hahaha - what hope for the over 25s then? Absolutely none...what is the point in continuing to struggle day by day, minute by minute?
Can't see/feel any hope for me (57) and peers in terms of getting any assistance when meds don't work, GP & Psychiatrist KNOW that I attempted suicide at least 3 times in the past 6 months and just nod...no comment.
At least give me (us) the opportunity to die in dignity as though we had cancer!
HOPELESS & HAD ENOUGH!
Hi Luckyring, yes just looked this up as you posted about it .Its a report from Rethink saying that there has been up to a 20% cut in funding for Early Intervention in Psychosis treatment for young people and that beds in mental hospitals have been cut and some young people with psychosis are having to go on general wards.
Yes it is very diffcult times at the moment with regard to mental health funding. I think we can all do our best by supporting the charities out there trying to help people. If I had any money (which I don't) I would leave it to a mental health charity such as this one Action on Depression as they do so much good work in supporting people by providing forums, information etc.
Gemmalouise 
Hi, It is crazy! Although I'm currently waiting for an appointment with the NHS recovery team locally I have given up believing any help will be forthcoming and as a result feel stronger for it and more determined to get on with my life without medics. Well meaning though most of them are, they have a very limited understanding of the causes of mental illness and what helps people - even care and an empathic response along with an acknowledgement of their inability to know how to help from GP and psychiatrists would have helped you, at least they would have been honest! I'm also a more mature person (63) and feel relieved because at least there are organisations to join where it is possible to acknowledge feeling vulnerable and not being seen as an oddity. There is no point in struggling on, the only reason to do so is if there is a bit of you that wants to be living an enjoyable life - there is that bit because it's the part of you that asks for help, so why let that part win? That is the strong part of you that has survived and wants to live, so help that bit by finding ways to enjoy your life while you have it, because it will be gone soon enough. I know it's easier said than done, but continuing to wait for help when you have learned none will be forthcoming is punishing yourself when you have done nothing wrong.
Suexx
Hi Gemmalouise n Sue,
I made it very clear to my GP last time I went that I had had enough...I asked him for pentobarbital! Of course he said he couldn't but the request was B/W. I have made numerous searches online for Nembutal or even lethobarb used by vets but to no avail.
I cannot continue with my mind doing 150mph and getting no quality sleep to speak of...plagued by nightmares. There is absolutely NO semblance of 'normal' in my life!
Thanks for your input though.
Lorraine
Sorry to hear that you have got to this point but do understand.
Like Sue I don't really have much faith that Doctors have the answers for me - think I've managed to figure out things for myself and the majority of interventions I've had over the years from GPs have probably not helped - that goes back to being put on tranquilisers when I was 11 (most of which were spat out of the bedroom window as soon as my mother wasn't looking) ... and it's difficult to trust after something like that.
I have spent time trying to get info etc on suicide in the past but have never managed to get together the right info to be able to draw up a plan and hang on because I know what it would do to people around me. My father didn't commit suicide but his death (series of heart attack) threw me in ways that I wouldn't have imagined. I know that at the end of the day even living for other people doesn't work.
I have found that mindfulness is about the only thing that really helps me - just helped me to find the joy in little moments and not look at the future for joy/security etc. Doesn't always work but it does work enough for me to generally feel as if I am living rather than just eeking out an existence waiting for it all to end most of the time.
Thanks Gambit
Funnily enough I just started to read a book on that very subject (mindfulness). I am trying to hang in there and after input from t/c to duty CPN at CMHT by my husband (separated) yesterday they prescribed me with Mirtazepine immediately - added to the tons I already take and I got a decent nights sleep.
I DO have a 'way out' plan but it isn't the nicest (just in case) but still try and keep some hope for new drugs or other means to change my thought patterns.
Difficulties all my life like you...sedated as a baby with alcohol in my bottle, Mum all but gave me away 'round the relatives' until I was 12 then her guilt kicked in and she took me back but it was a miserable existence with my Dad seeing other women and them fighting all the time...no time for kids etc.
Got pregnant at 15 and Mum was very cruel...hot/cold baths, bottle of gin, tablets etc.
I got to keep my baby girl but couldn't settle in a relationship as no trust after watching my Dad.
Crap coping mechanisms!
Now I can't work don't know what the hell to do with myself.
Sounds like you have been through a lot - much more than me and sorry about that. My dad was very different and we always got on so well, though thinking back he was a bit of an absentee dad - loved his work and would spend all the hours god sent at work during the week - though he was around at the weekends.
Hope that reading about the mindfulness helps. Sounds as if you really need to stop worrying about what you do and beating yourself up for not being able to cope. You haven't had the life that you should have had ... and I really can't think of what to say without sounding totally trite. Good that you are getting some support and glad that you have managed to sleep a bit - that will certainly help things a bit. Mindfulness isn't about optimism - though sometimes it can sound as if it is because it is about learning to be in the hear and now rather than either in the past or in the future and actually missing just being alive ... though I know that isn't going to sound to appetising at the moment.
The counselling has probably brought up lots of really bad memories and it may be that there is an element of reliving them rather than just remembering and observing them - may be mindfulness might help though you might need a bit more support with breaking out of the loops.
Really hope you find the peace that you deserve.
Hi i do understand what you are talking about Luckyring though I am not sure I can help much.. My sisters and I, although we didn't have it anywhere near as bad as you did, still had quite a dysfunctional childhood. Was chatting to one of my sisters about it once and she said she set herself the task of finding out who she would have been and what she would have done if she had had a more normal upbringing.. She is trying to turn herself into that person. That intrigued me I do it myself now (I am about your age). We have turned it in to a project. Might give you something to focus on? One of the things she does is always says yes when faced with a new challenge, grits her teeth, and does it despite the fear. One of the things I do is when someone has upset, or annoyed me, I no longer go away and brood about it and do nothng I either sort it out at the time or think of a good way to deal with it and put it into practise when I next see the person.. I feel my natural personality would have been a lot more confident and sure of myself so I practise self assertiveness. Do small things at first and see how they go.
Hi Gambit & Coughalot1,
Shit night - was up at 1am until 5am then took Zs bought online to get a bit of sleep...NIGHTMARES - no escape! Every day is a struggle...ECT 11 yrs ago has wrecked my brain (12 sessions @ 3 times a week, bilateral) after 6 months of crying and wanting to kill myself everyday. Memory is none existent...can't recall grandkids growing up although they lived with us for most of the time. Can't recall moving house etc.
Never thought my early life was a problem until they started probing, was assertive and outgoing until 3rd husband spiked me with cannabis resin...sent me crazy. That was 20+ years ago.
Met 4th hubby shortly after while studying for science degree (my tutor) but separated when my spending got out of control (£250,000) - OMG - I know! MIL bailed us out with provision that we split...amicable (we still live in same home - his & he is my main/only carer) BUT has had multiple strokes and limited mobility despite being on meds to control.
No CMHT assistance other than 1 hr with psychiatrist once a year.
Terrified hubby will die before me...reminded of it every day!
Medication resistant, genetic high risk for bipolar, schizophrenia, COPD and breast cancer.
Daughter lives 300+ miles away near her dad...maybe see her once a year but she doesn't understand.
2nd husband beat and raped me over long period and when finally split my sisters hubby sexually assaulted me (she and mum don't know)!
Grandson (17/18) has threatened to kill me (cannabis again!).
Just wish I was dead!!!
Lucky it sounds terrible. I know the feeling with not sleeping. I have been on Zopiclone for ages and was even considering buying online to supplement what I had. That was when it really struck me I had an addiction and now I have decided to cut down. I was on 4 for several years and then in the last few years I was on 2 and then 1. I decided about a month ago to cut down to a half and my mental state is improving. I think these drugs addle your brain. Having said that it does sound from what you've said that if you could find something that could control your bi-polar/schizophrenia that would be the most helpful thing for you. I have read of cannabis induced psychosis; that must be horrendous for you. Have you absolutely exhausted all possiblilies with this and given all the prescribed drugs a fair trial without any additional chemicals such as alchohol which could limit their effect and also drive you crazy? Are there any "therapeutic communities " you could look into joining ie. alternative approaches to dealing with the illness other than drug therapy? I know that is a far fetched idea of mine. There are probably many reasons why you can't move from your current environment, but really if there was any way then that could possibly give you a new impetus. Really Lucky I am so sad for you. Sometimes it is a case of unpicking things one by one and dealing with them and keep reaching out to try and get help. We are lucky there is online stuff nowadays to research.
Really if these are silly ideas just dismiss them but I'm just trying to think of stuff
They wouldn't give me Zs cos I'm on max dose Diazepam. Can't quit them any more than I can quit smoking even though I've got COPD (emphysema) - moderately severe!
The only drug that helped me they took off the market...said it was for health reasons but they're still used in the US!
It was the suddenness of being taken off them that made me suicidal 11 yrs ago when they inpatiented me for 3 months and gave me ECT! They f***ing fryed my brain!
Things have never been the same since then.
Had counselling (6 sessions - extended to 12 cos my dad died n it brought up a lot) rather obviously!
Tried CBT but just reinforced my experience that ALL men are shits! Can't trust anyone!
Tried everything from homeopathy to crystal healing.
Senior psychiatrist called me a 'drama queen' when I phoned CMHT feeling suicidal and hung up on me! Reported her to trust...they apologised for confusion - pathetic!
No point being here!!!
Oh dear Lucky, you feel rightfully very angry at some of the treatment you have and haven't had. I've always found with mental health that the more distressed you are the less able the services are to deal with you. They seem to get very frightened if you are not completely rational and talking "about" how you get to feel rather than feeling it. I find this with people in general as well and I am not sure why it is except that those sorts of feelings frighten other people; maybe they are scared of having those sorts of feelings themselves; I don't know. It seems ridiculous to me that most mental health staff are very unable and unwilling to step out of their comfort zones and are very much focused on their own working week and how much time they will have off etc. which is understandable yes but there are not many who will go out of their way if you are unable to articulate in exactly the way they want you to. So I do sympathise. I have felt suicidal before now many times and had one CPN refuse to come out or to talk to me. ( I know what that was about; I had about 8 weeks of sessions and I had not got better in the required amount of time. When they start seeing you its like the've got all the time in the world. Then they see their supervisor( in my opinion though I've got no proof) and the next week their attitude changes. They say well you should be better by now. This one refused to answer my call. Another one did come out and he said that I would like someone like him to come and see me everyday. I said "Are you joking? The last thing I would want would be to see you every day!". This was a few years ago when I was not as knowledgable or articulate about my problems as I am now. I was much more trusting then and to be honest looking back so much of the treatment I got was appauling. The only time it has improved is now that I am feeling "better" ie. more astute and yes actually better than I was.
That is all wrong. I just don't really know what it is or why it is. It made me feel terrible at the time and even now. It's like you are feeling desperate and then you get punished for it. I am definately not a drama queen and I underplay everything. I was being honest when I said I felt suicidal although in my case I always say I won't do it, just that i have the feelings. On one occasion I did plan my own funeral. I was seeing a therapist for depression and I remember writing out my funeral plan and giving it to him for safe keeping. Looking back I was immature (through no fault of my own) The songs I wanted playing were stuff like Chris Rea Stony road album. "Someday my peace will come" and the other one When the good lord talked to Jesus he didn't have me in mind". I would print it all off but it could trigger you further so I won't.
I still feel like that about my life in many ways. It was and is real pain. I was surprised that my psychologist at the time let me write all that and keep it and not act (as I was actually planning to kill myself at that time; the only occasion when I had actually planned it) I had written to my best friend Ras and told him and to say not to blame himself. I had written down that I didn't want my parents to be invited and there were only two or three people I knew.
Anyway Lucky, just want to say you are still a precious person, and I am sure there are people to whom you make a positive difference and maybe people who need you too. Do you have any grandchildren or anything like that ? (sorry if this is a sore point as i don't know you well) Can you put any happy pictures in your mind at all of days out anywhere or something like that, something to try and calm yourself a little? Look at some photos of yourself from the past and try and think back to any good time to try and ease yourself a little? I'm so sorry I can't be more help. I can understand you finding it hard to hold on and I respect you when you say you are in so much pain and I understand. I cannot tell you what to do but just to say I have read your posts and all I can hope is that there are some more bright days can be pulled out of the box, I don't know; I don't really know what to say except hold on if you want to, we are here if it can help at all. gemmalouise x
Dying of a broken heart
Don’t know what to feel.
Playing with my emotions 
I guess this is the way things are for now
Spoke with my doctor yesterday.
