I hate my life

I hate my life , I am tired of living with this god aweful illness . I have tried pills , counselling etc but finally arrived at the conclusion this is how it is ..I live alone and hate it , I have no contact with my family , Mum died 18 months ago and I miss her everyday. Gps always say you have to try ,, I hate that reply ,, do they think we don't ..

I have driven away friends I am wallowing in self pity I know but I can not climb out of it .. I just feel like I am waiting for death , I don't live I exist and its pathetic ..

50 Replies

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  • Hi angel .... I can fully empathise with your story x 12 months ago I was in exactly the same place you are now. I had hit rock bottom and was virtually waiting to die. I thought I would never get back to feeling 'normal' again and felt I had done everything I possibly could to help myself didn't know what more I could try. But here I still am feeling 100% better and I know it is easy now for me to say you will get better, but believe me you WILL! Just get the right meds for you and give yourself time to recover, took me 6 months this time to start to feel like my old self, and now when I feel a low coming on I go to great lengths to not let myself be dragged down to that terrible dark place. My sincere wishes for your speedy recovery xx

    Ruby

  • Thank you so much . 20 plus years of depression , I don't feel I ever will get better xx

  • Hi again Angel.... I have suffered depression in varying forms since my teens and I am now in my sixties. But my last episode was the very worst I've had, so I am more determined than ever not to let it take any more of my life away from me! I wish you well in recovering, and you will even tho you don't think so at the moment xx

    Ruby

  • I have suffered for 20 plus years ,I am not 50 yet but I know depression has stolen a huge part of my life ,I just don't feel strong enough to cope anymore xxx

  • Oh dear fallen angel I am so sorry you feel like this. I feel really low but I wouldnt say I hate my life. My life at the moment is quite confusing. Im signed off work with this illness so I know how you feel. You must never give up although often I feel like hiding away or even disappearing.

    Sounds like you might still be grieving for your Mum. My wife's Mum died nearly a year ago but she still thinks about her every day and something might remind her of a memory which will upset her. It takes time. I know it is a cliche but it is true. Have you had bereavement counselling?

    Just remember you arent alone and please message me for a chat.

    David

  • I haven't have any bereavement counselling no xx

  • Maybe look into this.

  • I understand grief but I cant accept it ... talking wont bring my Mum back xx

  • Yes I know, sorry. X

  • No of course it wont FallenAngel it can't do that. What it can do is help you to move on and find ways to deal with the pain. Its worth a try and I hope you consider it. x

  • I do a strange thing when im getting to that dark point,.

    I look at a picture of mum in turkey.

    its a place I once took her to prove I could travel the world on my own.

    and I say mum !, this time I need your help.

    and some how and very strangely it does help.

    BUT .also writing a reply like this helps me concentrate on the day ahead.

  • Hi David how are things with you?

  • Feeling a bit rough but thanks for asking. Im really fed up and confused. Seeing a counsellor tomorrow. Should get some help soon.

    David x

  • David good luck to tomorrow with counsellor . Hope

    It's a good session. Take care of yourself please

    X

  • Thanks x

  • David did you read that book its called Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong

    Chris Cantopher. It is very good and could help you and help explain to your wife what you are going through as well. Its £5.50 from amazon on kindle but libraries may have it too. Gemmalouise.:)

  • im also off sick due to a car accident, and feel rough most days, im already seeing a counsellor. good luck.

  • Hi Angel,

    i can definately relate to your last line and am still struggling with this diagnosis.

    i don't really know what to say to help but just wanted you to know that there is someone else out there who feels the same.

    hugs

    Nikki

  • thanks nikki people on here are so kind but when your alone in your home and crying nothing helps xx

  • i hear you and am in the same situation that's kinda why i don't really know what to say to help x

    i have never cried so much in my life. I've been through some pretty tough stuff in my life and never shed a tear and now i have uncontrollable bouts of wailing!

    hope tomorrow is a better day x

  • that's all we can do is hope .... life is hard , I wish you well xx

  • right back atcha x

  • Please don't cry alone! im also alone , and lost a little, due to my relationship break down.

    try to get out , and treat yourself.

    try to eat well , read a good book !

    get your mind moving !

    think this [ things happen for a purpose ]

    if I had known what would have happened to me over the last 12 months I woud not have believed it.

    I got off anti depressents ,found a new girlfriend, had two bad car accidents,one of which I walked away from ,the other nearly killed me, helped ruin my relationship, may have a lasting effect on my way forward in life etc,etc.

    Its a different kind of grieving !.

    But when im feeling down I try to do something.

    to fallen angel.

  • Hello angel, it does sound like things have really built up for you at the moment and it can feel like there is no way out when you feel like that; at the time it feels like everything you are and everything you've done and everything about your life is not worthwhile. I know I can get to feel like this and I have used that word "pathetic" about myself when I am like that. But you have to realise it is not pathetic to be in so much pain. It is terrible that at the moment you are unable to see a way out of it. I wonder if you are like me and see things a lot in terms of success and failure? I know that when I get like that I just see everything about me as a failure. On others days I don't know why but I am kinder to myself. I manage to get up from that bad place and distract myself as much as I can and sort of make each day meaningful just by putting a little routine and if you like "made up" activities but they give me a sense of distraction like I say and also make me feel like I am achieving something.

    I have not read about your background but life can be very tough indeed and a terrible struggle, particularly if like many on here you have had a bad start in life and/or are on your own without family. It is like these negative "wounded" bits of us come to the fore and it can feel overwhelming. It can feel like you are trapped and you are a terrible person and just can't get out of it. I don't know if its like that for you?

    You may have many good qualities but are unable to see this at the moment. If I were to look coldly at my life (which I do sometimes) I could say well I'm on my own, I have had a childhood where I was not validated or nurtured, I have missed out on marrying or having a family or a career and despite how I keep trying with people there is so much time that I am just on my own and basically "not cared for" by another which is the thing that makes me feel sad. Sometimes I do feel this, (and in the past I have felt very "bad" but I am gradually learning not to as I am a nice person and I have never willingly harmed anyone so that description of me is not justified) ; Then other times I think well I'm managing to distract by finding a little routine of things to do, I do contribute to the world by helping other people albeit on a very limited basis due to all my health problems and disabilities; and yes ok; i'm on my own and not loved, but that does not mean i am not loveable.

    I would try and see that this very bad bit will hopefully pass. Like I say I don't know your background. If this is a familiar feeling for you then you will have done counselling etc. Even with counselling these personality states do have a habit of coming back as they are so ingrained in us unfortunately but maybe with getting help and gradually changing your outlook they will come back less than they did. That is what I have found anyway.

    Maybe you need to work at making your life just a little bit more manageable and aim say to be 10% up from where you are at the moment.I'll also remind you of the website getselfhelp.co.uk which has very good advice for when you are feeling suicidal .

    Take good care, if any of it not relevant please ignore, just giving my own experience in the spirit of helping,

    Gemmalouise x

  • very much appreciated , sincere thanks xx

  • Hello,

    you are still in the very early stages of your grieving for your mum. You won't bounce back in months and I wish GPs would understand that. Grieving is a process, not an event. You are NOT wallowing in self pity my lamb. You need love and support not being pushed into what you can't cope with. You will get better, you will cope better but it takes time. Be gentle with yourself until you are ready.

    Gentle hugs

    Jillyxx

  • People keep saying it takes about 2 years ,I miss her more now than when she first died , she was the only 1 who "got me" I think I have just accepted my life is lonely and sad , pills don't work for me ... life is a daily struggle xxx

  • 18 years since Mum died & as I see Mothers Day cards in supermarkets memories come back & I realise how I still have such a strong emotional link to Mum........the main thing I dislike is change I hate the idea of a world where Mum is no longer there & Dad even though I had no contact for 8 years & there is no love lost I dread the thought of his passing..........Im in a real life sucks mood today ........anyway what Im trying to say is I can understand how you feel

  • Angel hun,

    My Dad has left me (passed away) 8 years now and I still ask him for help whenever I'm really struggling. You're definitely not alone on here...one big family of understanding people. You can't put a timescale on grieving, you will probably always miss her but it does get a little bit easier with the passing of time.

    Difficult I know when we don't fit in to society's 'norm' but here our long term suffering binds us together.

    Massive (((hugs)))

    Lorraine

    xxx

  • thank you xxx

  • I'm sorry to read you hate your life. This is a hypothetical question, but can I ask if you could wave a magic wand what would you change? How would fix your feelings?

  • smart man Viktor my gp asked the same ... and the truth is my requests will never happen , for my mum to be back , my daughter to live at home and for my wasted youth returned xx

  • Okay, I understand your mum can't return, but her memory lives with you. Take heart in that. Your daughter is not at home, and you can't turn back that clock. What makes you happy? Name one thing that puts a smile on your face? Just one thing. I'm aware you live in the UK, is it London? If you don't mind sharing.

  • FallenAngel, I feel your pain. We can't change the past, but we can fix what comes our way now.

  • hi again Viktor, how are you?

    how do we fix what's coming, i can't seem to fix the now

  • sorry ignore me, didn't mean to hijack the post!

  • you didn't , don't worry x

  • Sorry FallenAngel this isn't about me.

  • my fault sorry

  • I'm rubbish actually, but I plod along. I don't know how to fix the now, but I'm not giving up.

  • Hi Viktor

    Good to see you online. How are things in your neck of woods.?

    Hannah

  • I'm hanging in there Photogeek.

  • Viktor that's good. We all have to hang in there and

    Know we can recover, but I find I have to really

    Help myself by doing things for self care. Excercise

    Diet and making myself do things. No one can

    Change the past but we can build up our resilience

    To face the future.

    Good to see you back.

    Hannah

  • Hi fallenangel

    I lost my dad last year to cancer and can relate to how you a're feeling as I just want my dad back. I'm currently having bereavement counselling and would recommend it, it's the one place I can go to talk about my feelings

    Jules x

  • thank you xx

  • This is a very sad post. I can't help right now, but I really hope you start to feel a bit better soon xxxxx

  • Hi sorry to hear things are not great.grief and general stress can drag you down try and stay calm and take each day at a time not easy though you are doing a brave thing by talking about how you feel which is good take care

  • Hi

    You are in really horrible place now, sad, feeling sorry for yourself and at the same time hating yourself for feeling like that.

    You don't say how old you are but whatever your age it sounds as though you mum was very important to you and that you are still mourning her loss. I wonder do you have anyone else in your life who is important to you. If not then that will result in your memories of your mum being a place where you can go to for comfort and that will be making it more difficult for you to come to terms with her loss because she will mean so much to you.

    You are so critical of yourself! Have you always been that way or has it just been since Mum died? I wonder where you learned to be so self-critical, who was critical of you in the past. It is as if you are berating yourself for not being stronger, that you are not able to accept yourself as you are and just like yourself. That is a sad place to be and one I can identify with in that I have felt similarly at times when feeling low - but you are not a bad person, you are someone struggling with bad feelings which is not the same thing at all!

    You say you live alone and hat it. I can understand that, humans are naturally sociable creatures and we all need to have people around who love and care about us and who we can love and care for in return. I wonder whether you have not had that in the past and as a result are stuck in feeling very dependant and unable to seek the kind of relationships that are realistic for your age and situation. Unmet needs from childhood can leave us looking for the kind of love we needed and that would have enabled us to feel secure enough to view moving away from home as a positive thing because we always had a place we could go back to for safety - it sounds as though you have never felt that inner kind of security and as a result for you living alone is much the same as being abandoned by your mum - and that feeling will have been reinforced by her leaving you in reality when she died.

    You can never find another mum, however much you might want it your own mum will never come back and no one can ever be the mother you are missing. However you can find that other people care (people on this website are very caring) and if you are able to begin to let go of your anger and grief about your mum not being there with you then you may find care matters and can make a difference. At the moment you are too angry to let go and that's why you are angry with yourself. I know I sound harsh, but we cannot change reality. We can only find a way to come to terms with the fact that we are alive and can choose whether to live life or wait for something that will never happen.

    Suex

  • Hi FallenAngel...I have only just seen your post and am so sorry you feel so down and so utterly dreadful. Please look into grief counselling. It will not bring your dear Mum back..it didn't bring my Mum or Dad back either but what it did was help me to help myself through the despairing stages of grief and stop me from feeling like I had been injected by anaesthetic. I wanted to die too but came to realise my life was a gift from them both and I'd have hated to throw it back to them. I loved (love) them too much for that...and talking does help my friend... It helps to release a lot of that pent up pain and it allows you to begin your journey again without such heavy loads of sadness and longing. I hope you give counselling some thought. Hospice do some brilliant grief counselling - don't know if you have a Hospice near to where you are located but do check. Thinking of you and feeling for you too. PD7979

  • Thank you xx

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