i dont want to die but i dont want to live either.
started a mindfulness course and councelling but seem to be opening myself to feelings and emotions i cant handle. feeling like a walking robot have nothing left to give.
got to get a grip
has anyone found a helpline that they could recommend - prehaps talking and getting all this out of my head will help
Sorry that you are feeling so lost.
Sorry, I hope you do manage to persevere with the mindfulness and the conselling but at the pace that really is right for you.
If there are specific issues that are worrying you - eg past abuse or the like then I'd suggest doing an on-line search as I'm sure that should throw up some help-line numbers.
If it is more general then I'm not sure that a helpline is really what you need as it sounds as if you are trying to run away from feelings and emotions rather than learning to live with them and cope with them, which is what the counselling and mindfulness course are about.
It is quite natural that starting them is stirring things up and I know that that is really distressing and can leave you feeling very lost.
Part of the mindfulness course will be building up awareness of when you are getting anxious so you can pull back and rather than being caught up in the thoughts do something that makes you feel calmer when you need to do that. Do you have something that you could do that would occupy your mind for a while whilst you calm down - I like doing logic puzzles, listening to the birds (good day here for that). Sometimes its a good idea to do something that actually gets you out of your head, eg a run or a walk - something physical where you can observe what is going on around you rather than just rattling around in your head with your emotions. This isn't a cure, its a coping strategy to let you get to a calmer place so you can start again.
In terms of handling upsetting motions there are 3 main groups - those that are probably the archetype of 'normal' - think they are about 50% of population - whose brains have learnt self-calming when they were children - then there are anxious types (20-30% - who don't have a strategy for calming and so get very agitated) - and finally there are the repressors (20-30%) who learnt to handle emotional upset by cutting themselves off from their emotions so they didn't have to feel them. On one level the good news is that you can retrain the pathways in the brain in a lot of cases so if you ended up as an anxious type or a repressor then that means you aren't forever condemned to cope with life by either not letting yourself feel anything or just not coping. The bad news is that it is hard and it gets harder the older you are.
I think personally that I'm anxious but know that I also learnt coping techniques that are around repression - burying myself in the logical and rational part of my brain. I have a friend who is a repressor - and that makes it difficult for him to really understand how people around him are feeling because our own feelings are one of the biggest clues. He gave up one job because of stress and said he knew he was stressed because he was grey when he looked in the mirror ... so really cut off from his emotions.
Gentle hugs Sweetheart. Just a few weeks ago I was feeling in a very similar way to you but I am pleased to say it is passing. You will find things improve for you too. My psychologist recommended the following book for me "Overcoming Low self Esteem" by Melanie Fennell. The 2009 edition. You can get your local library to get it for you on Books on Prescription. Lots of useful stuff for depression in there as well. I found the counselling initially opened a can of worms but it does tend to sort itself out, just takes time. MIND have a good help line and also Health in MInd. Just google them.
And yes, talking does help. And knowing nobody judges you and that there are others who understand just what you are going through.
Take each day hour by hour and you'll find that also helps. I find just reading the posts here and the replies helps me. I don't generally post very often.
Gentle hugs
Jillyxx
That point in counselling when you don't feel you can cope anymore, is actually the place where the most progress is made. Unfortunately it's also the place where a lot of people give up. Please stick at it, you will feel better. And we are here all the time to help and support you x
Vicki, I agree with what the other respondents have put. Also in addition there is the following webite getselfhelp.co.uk which I have found very useful. There is a link to coping with depression and a link to coping with suicidal thoughts which should help explain to you why you are feeling how you are and how to deal with it/lessen these feelings at this time. Gemmalouise 
Hi Vicky I think everyone here has given good advice. I know your circumstances
At the moment are very difficult. Stick with the course you are on
And this should gradually lead you to a place of strength and hopefulness.
Depression is a slow process or healing or coping with it is. You have to just
Get through it bit by bit. I find reading the postings helps me too, but I
Suppose there is no magic solution.
Hugs to you
Hannah
I spoke to my GP today I feel similar , I feel like I am waiting to die because I have nothing left to live for .. My Gp says in life something can not be overcome , some hurdles are too big and you just have to accept them ... what do you do when you cannt .Gps are great but can only use the tools they have be it drugs or therapy , but when they don't work , where do you go , what do you do? I am almost 50 and have felt like this for 25 years more so the last 18 months have been hell ..
Pills don't work for us all ,I have accepted that now . I have no choice , but my life remains lonely and sad , bored and fed up ..
xx
Helo Fallenangle
I cant believe a month has gone by since my last post, I nearly took my life but could not go through with it. But I have been to the doctor and he has referred me to mental health team who are supporting me. I feel hopeful that with their support and access to various groups it might help. but i cant shift this overwhelming sense of loneliness and uselessness. I hoped that being signed off work would remove one stress and allow my mind to unravel itself but i now have endless hours each day to fill and feel more alone than ever. I am same age as u and have had this for similar length of time, it scares me sooo much that as each year goes by I cant get to grips with it or able to manage better, it is such a struggle to see a brighter future. just simple things like taking the dog for a walk that such effort.
vx
Hello FallenAngel, felt I wanted to reply to you as you have posted your thoughts here. I just wanted to say that I have had very long term problems myself. I am now 55 (coming on 56) and my problems started in my teens. It can feel very desperate at times I know, and you are right when you say that GP's and other people can only do so much. That does not mean there is no hope for you. Sometimes it is a long and winding road and no there are no magic wands of course. Maybe to realise that depression is a "mood" and as such we do not have that mood 24 hours a day 7 days a week for every hour and every second for every year. It always feels like we do when we are in it but at those times it is important to remember this fact; that the intensity of this low mood will pass in time.
At the moment I am feeling a fair bit better than I was. I am cautious in saying that of course, but if you were to look back to my posts of say 4 months ago I was completely suicidal around 90% of the time then. I have just had a clear run of nearly a week without feeling like that. Sometimes the reasons are things going on in our lives and in our heads. It takes it to fathom out where these things are coming from and to slowly build. Also in my opinion the meds if there are too many or the wrong ones can sometimes make you feel bad; I would never advise someone to come off or decrease stuff without consulting a doctor but I am finding that since reducing my zopilclone (a sleeping tablet) on my doctors advice that my mood is picking up a little. However this could be due to the good weather and also that I have resolved a problem in my own mind that was really troubling me; so all these things are related of course. Just wanted to say I noted your posts and to offer my support. Try and hold on. I know for myself just expressing myself and being heard made a big difference so I hope that is the case for you as well. Gemmalouise x
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