Earlier today, I visited my GP and told her that I was feeling depressed. The appointment felt a little rushed, and I left with a prescription for some Fluoxetine and a lot of questions and doubts. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this, so I figured I'd come here. See, I don't really feel like I'm depressed. I've read the symptoms, and a lot of them match, but it doesn't seem real. Like it isn't happening to me, and I'm just a "normal" person who needs to pull himself together.
I just feel really empty. Hollow and hopeless. I don't have dreams or aspirations. But I feel like I've always been this way. Like it's just my nature to be miserable. I look at other people who like to go on holidays, or have hobbies, or dream jobs and things like that and wonder why I've never been able to feel that way about anything. And then I convince myself that it's just because everyone's different, and it's normal. That there's nothing special or unique about the way I'm feeling. It's just because I'm content to be lazy and alone.
I don't really do anything with my time. I sit around in my chair, eating when I'm hungry and sleeping when I'm tired. I listen to the same music over and over. I watch videos on youtube. I used to play video games, but online communities are quite daunting now. I do whatever I can to just distract myself as the hours fly by, until it's time to sleep. I'm unemployed, but I can't bring myself to apply for jobs, or education. Every idea seems like a bad one. I keep imagining going to an interview, and having to explain why I've been out of school for four years and only worked for one. I don't even have the energy to spend on it. But I've never really been active or enthusiastic about things. Am I just naturally lazy?
I can't tell the difference between what's in my nature, and what's depression. I've always been like this, or at least I think so. Am I being pessimistic because I'm in a bad place right now? I've certainly had my good moments in life. I had friends once. I was smart and funny. Surely I can't have been miserable all this time. But depression is a serious thing. What if I'm not depressed, and I'm just trying to hide behind a label so I can carry on being me?
I don't know. I'm finding it hard to focus. It took about over half an hour to type this out. Who can tell if I'm depressed if I can't really do that myself? I don't really have any friends left, my GP felt dismissive, and when my mum suffered from depression it looked more serious that what I feel like I'm going through. Any help?