Wow where to really begin. I live alone, several thousand miles away from family. I find myself living more in my head than outside in the world. I could say I have friends. Not the sort who could take the time to listen to ramble on about one ache or another. I get it, I really do. Besides all the basic things that have been breaking down in my life the last 15yrs. Things just get to me. I'm not angry but I am hurt. As I get older I am told I wasn't a good parent but a better friend. I have 2 wonderful boys. Neither has married but the youngest is engaged.
About me personally. Healthwise it's really not good. I'm dealing with an A Fib problem as the biggest issue. Body has too many other issues to really fix it. So heart attacks are frequent. When I visit family this becomes a problem. I haven't told anyone about what my heart specialist said because it would only create more problems.
I guess because this is being posted in a group of depression, I should really start there. I'm Bi-Polar and have known for more years than I really care to admit. I'm not sure if the DR's I saw at the orphanage knew and thats why I was medicated out of my brain. In the early 70's it was Thorazine & Mellorell all the time. For the next 20 plus years I would get angry and act out. (0 - 100 per hour, Ya I'm a yank) I knew while going through the rage of emotions I was acting like an angry child that hadn't been taught better. I just could never seem to get my brain wrapped around it.
I married the only woman I have ever loved and ruined it with rage, both physically and verbally. For years she put up with my crap and we eventually grew a part. Within 2yrs of our divorce I was still dealing what a real (Expletive) I had really been and I had a really bad stroke. Maybe after beginning to acknowledge the hell I'd been putting the only 3 people I really loved IT Just struck me. I'm quite sure I probably deserved it.
Doesn't really matter how long it took to relearn everything I had to. I have had 15 long years to relive those mistakes. I believe in Jesus Christ and I pray. I know I haven't suffered enough because he lets me wake up each day. And make no mistake I ask him regularly to take me, So there must be another reason I'm still walking. I know a lot of women and men will not like the fact I raised my hands, I'm not proud of this. I am being honest and it is a cross I bare everyday. Never to love again. Never to know the boys I helped create. I live with this everytime I watch a family in church or on TV. I'm the guy crying in the restaurant because he's alone.
I do not drink because of the medications I take. Please understand in your greatest times of need OTHERS feel like you do and worse.