Hate

I've only ever hated one person. Loathed them. Would do anything to try and get rid of them.

They're always around when I don't want them to be..

If they were to disappear, that would be the best thing they could do.

There is not one thing about them that I can tolerate, let alone like.

You all don't know her personally, but a lot of you have spoken to her on here before.

I cannot, and will never, stop hating myself.

40 Replies

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  • Hi,

    We've not spoken before but seeing your post...it's such a sad read. The question is (if you don't mind me asking), why?

    xx

  • There is nothing I like about me. On surface level, I'm annoying, needy, self centred, manipulative, stupid, a liar/deceiver, can't deal with my own (insignificant) issues, and find anything and everything to react over. And then at my core, I'm just wrong. As a being. I should never have got here. I bring bad things to people. I just hurt everyone wherever I go, no matter how hard I try not to.

  • I'm glad I didn't make any flip jokes about my paranoia then---- lily no ones' issues are insignificant, so please don't feel guilty about expressing yourself. We all hurt each other too, most of us are just too preoccupied to realise that.

    You are no more wrong than Florence Nightingale, or Mother Teresa. These heroines were far from perfect and made their fair share of people run away in tears.

    I know this sounds rather casual and flip, but you are human, with all those frailties and faults that we all have. Do do do keep working on working towards a realistic image of yourself, night night lily, sweat dreams...A

  • I don't feel human a lot of the time... I feel, I don't know. Less than human. Even people who are despised and considered 'evil' are human in some way, and its actually their humanity that retains some of the beauty of it all. But I don't even feel I have this. I am less than evil. Less than human. Barely anything at all. But wrong. I'm sorry for all of the consistently negative posts. I just have no where else to express this.

  • Hello

    If that is how you hate yourself. I suppose you can always try to listen to yourself and work on yourself so you like that person.

    When I was taking a qualification at Durham, four of a group where locked in a bedroom together we where fed problems to do with community work for 12 hour for 3 days, we thought we had sorted a problem and they would provide another one to answer, then would return to the initial problem.

    Been locked in a room with four people we had little knowledge of was an interesting problem and brought out feeling the same problems you are talking about, this was intentional,

    If these four people managed to get on with what they were doing, I would feel that you are just one person who you can get on with, so that must be a 25% success rate and should be easy

    After a weekend in a room on your own you will be able to start to enjoy that other persons company, If I can do it with four people I feel you can do it with one

    Good night all the best

    A split 4 person

    BOB

  • Hi Lily,

    I'm really sad that you are feeling this way. I can understand that

    It is good sometimes to be critical of ourselves, as this is how we

    Grow and change as people. If any of us on this Forum were to list

    Our faults , we would all have a long list I'm sure. I know I have

    Lots of faults but realistically I know I have lots of good traits too.

    We are none of us good or bad , we are a mixture of both, and I

    Think you need to get perspective on yourself. Of course you

    Are meant to be here, You are here and that's it.

    Don't put those labels on yourself as they serve no purpose,

    Try and concentrate on the good things about you. You are bright,

    You are witty and you are a clear writer , I have never met you and

    I can see you are not perfect. But I can also see your good points.

    So try not to go down this useless cul de sac. When do you see

    Your Doctor ? Apart from this self hate how are you doing ?

    Kind hugs

    Hannah x( with lots of faults too)

  • I saw a doctor today, it wasn't very helpful. Nothing changed. Nothing was planned. I don't really understand the point of the appointments, they don't achieve anything. I'm not too great. Oddly, I'm functioning normally day to day, not 100% but some way there. Its just in my head that the shouting happens. ):

  • bit of a p.s. No matter what you think you may have done to any one else you need to practice self-forgiveness , I am slowly realising how important that self-forgiveness is to me. I have wasted enough time accusing myself of being a bad person.

    As bob mentions there may be some behaviours you can change, but sounds like your major challenge is to get a realistic view of yourself, something many of us struggle with.

    Maybe it is similar to how an anorexic sees themselves in a mirror.

    I know recovery will not exactly be as easy as falling off a log, hope you are using what ever help is available around you

    lots of {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}

  • I just feel a bit stuck. I've tried thinking differently about myself, questioning my thought processes etc, but I've still ended up like this. People keep asking me what I want to do, what I want to happen. But I don't know what to tell them. I know that all I want to do really is get through to June, and then leave. I need help getting through to June and sorting things out. But I know no one will accept that or help, so when they ask 'what do you want to happen/do/what will help' I honestly don't know what to tell them...

    Thanks for your thoughts, though. x

  • lilly, are you taking your meds?

    and when are you next seeing your psychiatrist.

    Hate isn't a particularly helpful emotion - it takes up a lot of energy and does nothing with it. It traps you in the past.

    Having said that, the way you have expressed yourself is very beautiful

  • No, I don't trust them. I've not taken them for about a month. I saw him today, he was unhelpful really. My appointment only lasted 5 minutes. We didn't discuss anything. I find it so hard to even go, just going to appointments make me need to self harm to balance things out. Because I hate asking for help. I saw a uni counsellor today. I managed to saw a bit more in that meeting, but it was frustrating really. They can only offer a listening service. So I'm not getting any better. I just don't know what to do anymore...

  • Lily you have to start helping yourself. When anyone is psychotic

    They are temporarily out of touch with reality. You need Medication and stopping them is dangerous. You have been

    Through all this before and if you are serious about helping

    Yourself, it's up to you, you are the person who can change

    The situation.

    Please let that part of you help you. You say the Doctor was

    Unhelpful , but how can he help you if you are going off

    The Meds and not complying with what's best for you.

    Hannah x

  • Lily, I totally agree with Hannah - please look at your last post

    healthunlocked.com/actionon...

    I know it probably seems like it was a totally different person but it was you.

  • Ok, I cheated I read all 11 replies first. My first thought reading your post was that it was you that you disliked so much. The tag "RID" I googled it and it really meant nothing.

    I understand hating oneself. For 90% of my life I've hated who I am. I only the last five years or so have come to grips with being honest with myself about who or what I really am. Shit 2 years ago my doctors explained my heart was really having problems and needed to be replaced. The insurance companies don't believe I'm a good candidate so I'm medicated and sent home. Doc says it'll start with more heart attacks till one just does the job. I live on SSI in the US. I had a computer company that I sold in 1996 only to find out no taxes ever got paid and my cpa had ripped me off.

    Talk about a blow then 18 months later a stroke. Thank God I took LTD with my new job. When that was over (60 months). I got SSI. $710 a month. Last Sept. I sold what I could, I had told nobody what the doctors had said, I flew back out east. (NY) I have given my cherished belongings to my boys. I returned all the pictures of my wife and children. My Ex wife now a lawyer begins after the first heart attack here 3 weeks before Christmas asking whats going on. Of course not wanting to bother anyone I tell her it's all cool. After the 2nd heart attack 4 weeks later. She just happened to be standing outside the door but within earshot. To hear this doctors prognosis and have I told any friends or family. Not knowing she was there I explained what my first doctor said. He agreed with his conclusion and explained I should get my affairs in order.

    Then of course after the doctors leave, I see her talking to them. Just great, I cannot tell you how big of a turd I felt like.

    <B> Lily <B> I'm sorry I really didn't mean to make this about me. I'm dealing with unresolved issues and that was very unfair of me. Very selfish and I'm not really like that. Honey the real truth here is YOU have to like you. NO pill is going to change that. I really will hope that a secret part of you looks for all the good that is there. It's things only you will know about. Make yourself shine. Just for you, even if the rest of the world doesn't get it. Good Luck sweet heart. God Bless you

    Michael

  • The RID tag was added automatically by health unlocked, I have no idea what it is/why its there either.

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you've had a pretty tough time. Thanks for taking the time to reply to this, you weren't selfish at all. I don't think I'll ever like myself, after realising what I am. The best I can hope for is to tolerate myself, but unfortunately that also seems unlikely at the moment.

    Anyway, thanks again for sharing your experiences with me.

    Lily x

  • Lily have a look at the link that Themys put out on his posting about self help downloads. getselfhelp.co.uk/gallery.htm. There is something on there called the BPD tool which you can download for just £4. It is worth it. The people you are talking to may not be getting the utterly overwhelming nature of how you are feeling about yourself and how it changes so much. Have a look and see if anything applies; for example do any of these relate to you " I am all over the place, I am bad, I am unloveable, I do not fit in, I am different, I cannot cope alone, I deserve to be punished, nobody understands me". "I feel empty, out of control, I have no real sense of self". "I make threats and I behave badly" " Sometimes I self harm or have suicidal thoughts". To me the fact that you admit that you lie and manipulate is a start. If you had no guilt about it that would be harder to treat. I believe you are genuinely utterly confused and suffering, so please take a look at the help available on that site. Gemmalouise x

  • Thanks, I've just taken a look and it looks pretty helpful.

    Thanks for your post (:

  • Lilly,

    the reason you are feeling like this is because you are ill. The chemicals in your brain are out of balance. Your meds do help with this. You need to take them.

    I feel like we have been here before. It starts with the self loathing and the mental circles and ends in a public posting that you have decided to finish it all and done the deed. Bob put it very well in another post - I think after your last attempt. Suicide is not a spectator sport.

    May be the doctors are trying to tell you things and they would make sense if your brain wasn't so out of balance because you are not taking your medication. They may be telling you the truth but sometimes the truth is so bitter that we just spit it straight back out again.

    Please, for everyone's sake, take your medication.

    Suspect that you will ignore this but at least I have tried.

  • Oh wow.

    Please understand that I'm not consistently in one state of mind. I do have insight. I read these posts, and I do listen. Sometimes I feel bad at a particular moment, so it takes a while to sink in. I never ignore things. Sometimes it just takes a bit more time.

    I'm sorry if my problems are too repetitive for you. I felt bad enough as it is those weeks ago, and I have already apologised for that. I have already said that I will limit my posts here, especially postings of that nature, because I know they can be severe. I have no intention of alarming anyone at all. And that will not happen again. Which I have already said.

    I am not out of my mind. Just because some aspects of my thinking can't be trusted doesn't mean that I'm completely ignorant.

    Its getting to the point now where I don't think I can post on here anymore. Some of you will be relieved to hear of that, I'm sure. But I just feel like people are getting tired of me.

    So, whatever.

    'For everyone's sake', I think my time on this forum is limited.

    But thank you for your thoughts.

  • You have read things into my response that aren't there.

    I would like to be able to support you but it is impossible if you are not taking your meds and I don't want to watch another car crash like the last two which I believe is inevitable if you don't take your meds.

  • hello lily i don't think it is a case of people being tired by your posts, we can be blunt in what we say, especially if an important point needs to be communicated . .

    It is a shame that you have chosen to stop with the meds. Had got the impression that they were helping you..I made the mistake this week in thinking that as i was doing o.k. I could cut down on my fluoxetine......big mistake, ended up feeling miserable, and obsessing on the usual negative thoughts

  • I actually took my meds this morning after seeing a doctor who upped my dosage, so, the higher dosage will help me to not stop taking them apparently.

    I just don't really feel tolerated anymore. I'm probably being sensitive, but I can't help how I feel.

    I just think that people have this set perception now that I'm crazy, have little control over my thoughts, no insight, or whatever. When in reality my loss of contact with reality doesn't happen all that frequently.

  • yes, when i'm not well i am wildly over-sensitive, to the point of paranoia..I don't know what is in your housemates heads, but i imagine that while they know you have control of yourself much of the time, they will also be imagining the consequences of what might result in those times when you are not in-line with reality, that fear is going to govern there words and actions. That is their sensitivity and paranoia coming out in a milder fashion...

    I had to smile when i pictured you finding ways to cook your chicken, how long before they buy you some plastic cutlery????

  • When I'm not in line with reality, it doesn't generally show through in my actions, just in my thoughts. When I'm in that mind-set I just spend a lot of time in bed, self harm a lot and that's pretty much it. I can still control my actions to some extent. So my housemates don't really see it all that much.

    Though I don't feel I'm being paranoid. I still feel a bit judged.

    My housemates don't ever act differently towards me. They are concerned, but it doesn't affect our day to day lives; and that's not just me being blind, it really doesn't. Like I said earlier, my insight is on the whole unaffected.

  • you know i'm gonna argue with you on that one,,, if your insight is unaffected, why is there still that count-down to the summer? If the majority of people are telling you that it is a crappy idea, maybe they are right. Misery does not last forever, it might seem like it when in the middle of a crappy time, but it is like not wearing glasses when severely short-sighted. Find those ''glasses'' and get them back on.....

  • I don't recall mentioning the countdown to the summer recently...

    Again, I do admit that my insight is occasionally affected. But *on the whole* it is fine. Like right now.

  • well i'll just say find something ridiculous to laugh at every day in the reality that is the world that we live in. Insight into the world does show how hilarious it really is. night night.

  • I could've wrote that myself.. I feel exactly that.

    Holly xxx

  • Not sure which comment you were commenting on Holly?

  • Sorry Holly, have just read your most recent post and I think I know now. So sorry you are struggling so much. Lily please keep posting x No-one wants you to go x

  • Sorry, it was a reply to the original post, from LilyJones.. I forget my reply goes away down the bottom ;)

    Holly Xx

  • Thanks Stilltrying.. I've calmed down a bit since..

  • I'm really pleased you've calmed down a bit now Holly. I really hope you can get the help that you need.and deserve :)

  • Thanks Stilltrying , and nice to meet you, I don't think I've met you before have I?

    Luv Holly Xxx

  • That's because you only post every 32 years Holly! X

  • Haha I love your sense of humour Lucy :) Ok ok, I've been away for a while... But only 31 years, you're a year out! ;)

    Xxxx

  • No, we haven't met before. I've been on here about 3months. Nice to meet you too. x

  • And you!! :) Hxx

  • Hi Lily.

    First, despite everything, you genuinely do sound better than you did before. It's a slow process recovering, particularly when you have psychosis complications. You're not going to feel better overnight, but you will get there. Small steps are important. Going to see the Uni counsellor and managing to open up, even just a little, that's important. That's progress. Learning to feel ok with yourself as you are is as much about being realistic in your expectations of yourself as anything else (my biggest problem is that I expect far more of myself than I would of anyone else, and I suspect that goes for you as well).

    I know how sensitive you can feel when you're low. But everything anyone says here they say because they care. It's trite, but true, to say that the best friends you have are the ones who will tell you when you're wrong. When I really need serious advice, I go talk to people who I know from experience will tell me if I'm being an idiot, because they're the ones that really care. If people sound frustrated it's a reflection of how much they want you to feel better about yourself. The difficult thing about this site in general is that because it's web-based, when someone's so very low, I know that I can get a huge feeling of helplessness, because I'm powerless to do anything.

    You do need to take your meds to get better, and I'm glad you've gone back to them. And please stop holding yourself responsible for the way other people feel. There are all sorts of loopy things going on in our heads! Suicide posts affect me a lot for example - but that's because I have a deep-rooted need to rescue people to make up for my own uselessness. That's my own fucked up head doing that to me, not yours ;)

    Cut us some slack - we just don't want to lose you :)

    Themys

  • Hi Themys, that's a lovely honest reply to LillyJ. Small steps , we care about her. How are you doing Themys, you sound in good form. I'm

    Not great myself but seeing GP tomorrow to discuss changing my

    Psychiatrist who I feel is not picking up on the neon lights flashing , Help, if you get my drift.

    I am ok at helping others but find it hard to be open about myself,

    I know this but I guess it's a case of the Stevie Smyth Poem " I'm

    Drowning not waving"

    Ok Themys talk to you later.

    Hannah

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