It has been a while (a month) since I last posted. Today and lately, I have been feeling sad, down, depressed, SICK (nausea, vomitting), just plain BLAH! I do take medications and I am in the midst of not smoking. I don't know. I just want to cry so bad and then when I do cry, I start feeling stupid because there isn't a reason to be crying or at least that is what I tell myself. I want to lose weight as well. I try to clean my house and I get nowhere quick. I don't work and my husband diligently goes to work everyday. My son is seemingly out of control and he is only 11 as of yesterday. He is ADHD andd ODD. He is on medications for ADHD and his mood swings. One second he is happy and then the next second, literally, he is exploding like a bomb. He is the classic ODD child. He has already pulled a knife on another little boy because that little boy hurt him. My son and myself also have a connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos and we bruise easily, break bones, dislocate joints....everything. We're "fragile" to say the least. He's done some other things that would land him in jail if he were older. I am constantly asking his school to help and he is in counseling> I feel like I have let him down as a moma, wondering where, if any, did I go wrong. The what-if's come into my head with him. I don't know how to deal with him. We used to be sooooo close and now...he is a stranger in my house. We have two cats, a dog (border collie), and a 6 mo old Yorkie Poo (which is worse than any two yr old that I have ever seen.) She makes messes and is into EVERYTHING. She is adorable and cute and just so full of life. She's great. Hubby got her just for me. I got her when she was 10 wks old. He got her for me to take care of. Feed, play with, take for walks...to try and help me with depression. Here lately I haven't even wanted to go outside the house...one because of nausea and vomitting...the other is...just don't have the energy. I am NOT suicidal...even if I Was...I just don't have the energy to follow through.(that was kinda to be funny) I just want to CRY and just sleep until this life is over. I don't even know how to participate in this life. I also have chronic neck, BACK pain. Weak knees. All of this makes it difficult to deal with daily activities. I get injections in the back and neck for the pain every three months. This last series in my back hasn't worked as well as it has in the past, although the pain never leaves, tI have been "down" more than "up"...meaning more days in pain than not. I KNOW that if I got up and dressed and went for a walk that I could Possibly feel a bit better, but right now it's easier to sit and wallow.
Geez, I know that was ONE long paragraph. I don't know what I want to hear or need to hear. I don't know what I want right now. I do have an appointment for med check tomorrow. I don't think that my meds need to be altered any more than they have already. I don't know.....sigh...
If you got this far, thank you.