I'm 18, 19 in July 2014, and for the past 2 years I've felt like I'm too old to do anything new or have fun anymore. When I was 16 and started College, those were the best days of my life, I had so much fun at College and I was 16 so lots of people looked out for me and I was young enough to act a douche when I wanted to. When I turned 17 I started feeling depressed because I would soon turn 18, being 18 would mean I'm an adult so nobody would care about me any more, and I'd be forced to behave like an adult and get a job etc.
I wanted to kill myself before my 18th birthday, I was that frightened of how my life would change with age. Everyone said 'Your life won't change, age is just a number!' Well they couldn't be more wrong! Since turning 18, life sucks, everyone who said it wouldn't change is a complete liar. I'm being pressured to get money and go outside places, basically do things, and I don't want to. I want to be alone all the time, playing on my Xbox, not doing anything else, but that's not possible any more. I'm trying to hold on to my childhood, I never looked forward to growing up, and I still don't want to grow up, it's moving too fast and I'm not ready!
I just want to sit and cry 24/7 about how much I hate my life, myself, and everything 'I've' done wrong. I want to go back to College, but due to anxiety and depression I had to leave halfway through the course in 2013, I applied for December 2013 but then decided at the last minute not to go back, so I've done nothing for almost 1 year. I want to go back this year in September, but I will be 19 then so I'll have to pay for education, something I can't afford.
I just feel so disgusting and old, I really, really hate this.
I'm seeing DART for a codeine addiction and they replaced my co-codamol with pure codeine tablets, however, I am really struggling to take them, so I'm still taking the co-codamol's. I haven't eaten much for a long time now, half a full meal per day. I've weighed in at 12.5 stone for 5 days now, I'm not losing any weight, so I'm highly upset about that too! I want to go back to how life used to be, I have no interest in the future, I'm truly stuck in the past.