i don't quite know what to say here. i have suspected i have depression for several years now, but can't get the courage to go to the doctors. i have a history of self harm (one years, 2 months and 16 days unharmed) and i also have asperger's syndrome. when i met my boyfriend 2 and a half years ago, all the bad stuff in my head seemed to fade away but they have slowly been coming back. he has anger issues that stem from childhood abuse, and he seems angrier lately and i am not sure if there is a correlation between that and how i feel.
on top of this we are both unemployed, have rubbish home lives (he lives with his mother who has lupus and his brothers, all of whom are very manipulative and plain unkind) (i live with my mother who claims to have ocd but really i think she's just a control freak and she makes me incredibly unhappy), and want to move in together and start a family but our situations mean this is impossible. i think my struggle to find employment also contributes to how i feel. i have a phobia of speaking on the phone so any job application that requires me to speak on the phone stresses me out to the point of sometimes just not turning up to the interviews. lately i have though that i should just kill myself so i am not longer a burden on my family, and no longer have to feel so numb and defeated. sometimes on the other hand, i want to start cutting again so i can just feel something. i often feel sick with worry, and my boyfriend causes me extra anxiety because his mother does everything for him so he has no common sense or life skills and stresses me out when he doesn't think about what he is doing. i am constantly worried about being 'caught out' for something i haven't yet done.
i think this is a bit of a word vomit.