Surrounded By Many Feel So Alone…

Whats on my mind…? Im surrounded by friends and family but why do i still feel so alone? Yes am currently battling severe depression and other personal issues. One of them is the feeling of being alone and lonely. I can’t spend too much time alone or my mind starts going haywire and its uncontrollable to the extent that i sometimes start planning on taking my own life just to get over the torment.

I’m constantly battling everyday. Some days i don’t want to leave my bed, but i know i have to otherwise am letting the depression win. The depression took a swing for the worst at the end of Aug and since then i have been in a 4 day coma due to overdosing on my prescription meds, overdosed again but wasn’t as severe and have damaged my right wrist due to damaging a nerve due to self harming.

I’ve narrowed some of my issues down to, losing so much last year as well as realising more that my mum isn’t coming back. Shes gone, and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. I’ve not let mum go and find it so hard letting mum go, because it also means letting my dad go too.

I miss them both, and long for a cuddle but its never going to happen. Some of you will be saying give yourself a shake mate, its part of life. Yeh it is and its a part of life i have found the hardest to deal with. No a single day goes by that i dont think about my mum, and most days think about my dad.

How do you stop that? You can’t I just need to learn to deal with it better. How do I deal with it better? I don’t know, and this is why im hoping that the psychologist can help me and give me coping skills, Ive agreed to go to support groups to meet new people and share how am feeling. And last of all i have agreed to go to college and study social sciences to get a better understanding.

You will be saying well done, or look hes attention seeking… Actually im not am letting out so you understand and so that its releasing it out of me. Everything am trying to do is to find the old me… People believe hes still there but some believe hes long gone.

I believe part of him is still there but parts of him are long gone. So what happens now ? I just have to keep taken baby steps and surviving each day…

But trust me me surviving a day is a goal in its own.


5 Replies

  • Know it is really hard.

    I presume that both of your parents have died and that is what you meant by gone.

    Losing a parent is a very difficult thing - my dad died 10 years ago and was probably the thing that kicked off my most recent battles with recurring depression.

    I still have a pair of my dad's spectacles on the book case at the top of the stairs - I put them there because I just needed to have something physical of him around and in the early days it really did help to ease that gut wrenching sense of loss.

    My father's death made me seriously wonder if I really wanted to go on living - which just shows how much sometimes we live for our parents rather than ourselves - the fact that I wasn't enough for him to want to carry on living was a bit of a blow as well - just sharing what it was/is like for me.

    My mother is still alive but we aren't and have never been very close - my dad was like the glue that held the family together - I have no idea how I will feel when my mother does go and know that there is no point in driving myself mad about it at the moment.

    Funnily I was thinking about this sort of thing earlier today when I was driving back from visiting a friend who probably hasn't got much longer to go but has had a good life and I was remembering a program Maureen Lipman did a few years ago on memory - in one part she was talking about how she coped with the death of her husband - Jack Rosenthal - as he'd got a book that had come out and she was doing the publicity for it but was finding that she was so full of grief that she couldn't cope. She went to see someone who explained to her that at the moment her mind was focused on her husband's death so all of her memories of her husband were associated with his death but what she needed to do was get beyond that to the place where she could remember him as he was when he was alive ... in a strange way it was like saying that she needed to remember him as he was when he was alive - or even as if he was alive - and he used some therapy techniques to get her to that place (neuro-linguistic programming NLP) - it was Paul McKeller and actually made me look at him in new light.

    Anyway, I don't think of my father as dead - I know he is dead - but the only way I can remember him now is as he was when he was alive - I really don't like to think about things around the time he died - when he was tired, and the heart attack and the worst is the sight of him when he had been laid out - so I tend to avoid those memories if I can and remember him cycling and being my night in shining armour when I was younger.

    I don't really have any answers for you - except may be that you could try looking at NLP and if there is something there that might help with your mother.

    Good luck - things do get better with time.

  • Hello David

    Sorry for your loss, did both your parents die, or grown apart. Sorry to ask you seem to have taken this loss very much at heart and it seems to have effected your grieving. was this recent? You say you have strong family links that is good although, you seemed to have turned your back upon that love you are missing. that is so extreme and personally I would be trying to build up on the love that is lost to your life, suicide can be such a drastic thing to subject your body to and to take yourself to such a place, things must have been so hurtful and subject to real lo loss prime family members. I have alienated myself from my family and now leading a life far away from their control, I suppose sometimes we need to make decisions that remove us a self destroying place so we can carry on with our lives

    I understand you are twenty seven, live in Scotland and have been taking AD medications for about a month now and you have been recommended to take part in a self help group, normally you would have seen a CPN on referral from your GP as this would help you over the grieving process as this is so important to the situation you find yourself in. A second person with no axe to grind would help you to come to terms with life in general, before letting you sink or swim in a group of people with so many problems associated with mental health

    What happened after attempts one and two was a crisis team called and gone through your reasons that should have been the case when suicide attempts are made.

    Life is a bitch and we all need to grasp the nettle I suppose your work will be effected because of what has been going on, How do you get on regarding, these feelings. Are you still at college??

    When we loose family especially when been close it can take a long time to recover, so we need to look forward to a new life. You could look for someone to share your life with, who will be with you, helping and sharing your life, when I lost my fiancee it took about one and a half years to get over that loss, I had to force myself to get out and about.

    Actually I went back to Uni and tool a part time course in youth and community work, then when I became stronger I took up ballroom, latin, old time dancing, a old teacher of mine learned me to dance and after that you could not me I would go swimming 2 nights a week dancing three nights and worked two nights, followed by a visit to the pub after instructing table tennis and volley ball and managing night classes. Life at that time was busy and before then I had such a massive breakdown I though that life would never get better.

    One problem I feel can happen is we have relapses and that happened to me when I contracted a Chronic health condition.

    One thing you really need to do, if not already see the GP he will most probably have your condition checked to find out the best way to trat your condition, The loss of people close can take a long time to get over, although you have a chance to start your life again and be reborn.

    See how you get on we are always here for support and encouragement



  • Hi David

    I'm sorry for your pain right now.I find your post a little bit hard to understand, you talk

    About your Mother having gone? Do you mean she Died? and has your father died too?

    Grief is hard and I m sure a lot depends on the age they were. Both my own parents

    Died within six months about eight years ago.They had a great life and were in their eighties, so it was expected if you know what I mean.

    I presume your Doctors know all these facts, I had one week off after each funeral

    and then had to go back to work. Life just has to go on and I am sure your

    Late Mother would not want you to be so upset. Grief is a slow process and the

    Pain does lesson I with time. Maybe think of all the good memories and focus

    On those.

    I still miss my parents and they will never be out of my mind But I have to keep

    Going, Death is hard for us. It it depends too if was expected and stuff. I feel

    People may die but their spirit lives on all around us


  • Maybe a greif therapist or someone who specialises in this kind of depression will help or just letting out all your thoughts and feelings on here will help. Take care and take it a day at a time, we all care on here and there is another caring community on here called anxiety support which might help as well.

  • I totally understand how you feel I lost my Mum 15yrs ago and still feel very depressed as I also miss the cuddles

    I do not have any children and my husband thinks I should be over this he offers no support and never gives me a cuddle I get up at 5am every morning and write a thought diary this helps me to cope with this rest of the day and I turn to ask God for help to overcome the depression I also have rung the Sarmaritians several times they are brilliant and really do understand so give them a call Tel: 08457 909090 Good luck you are not alone its something we have to learn to deal with and there is help out there for you you just need the guidance to help you x

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