Whats on my mind…? Im surrounded by friends and family but why do i still feel so alone? Yes am currently battling severe depression and other personal issues. One of them is the feeling of being alone and lonely. I can’t spend too much time alone or my mind starts going haywire and its uncontrollable to the extent that i sometimes start planning on taking my own life just to get over the torment.
I’m constantly battling everyday. Some days i don’t want to leave my bed, but i know i have to otherwise am letting the depression win. The depression took a swing for the worst at the end of Aug and since then i have been in a 4 day coma due to overdosing on my prescription meds, overdosed again but wasn’t as severe and have damaged my right wrist due to damaging a nerve due to self harming.
I’ve narrowed some of my issues down to, losing so much last year as well as realising more that my mum isn’t coming back. Shes gone, and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. I’ve not let mum go and find it so hard letting mum go, because it also means letting my dad go too.
I miss them both, and long for a cuddle but its never going to happen. Some of you will be saying give yourself a shake mate, its part of life. Yeh it is and its a part of life i have found the hardest to deal with. No a single day goes by that i dont think about my mum, and most days think about my dad.
How do you stop that? You can’t I just need to learn to deal with it better. How do I deal with it better? I don’t know, and this is why im hoping that the psychologist can help me and give me coping skills, Ive agreed to go to support groups to meet new people and share how am feeling. And last of all i have agreed to go to college and study social sciences to get a better understanding.
You will be saying well done, or look hes attention seeking… Actually im not am letting out so you understand and so that its releasing it out of me. Everything am trying to do is to find the old me… People believe hes still there but some believe hes long gone.
I believe part of him is still there but parts of him are long gone. So what happens now ? I just have to keep taken baby steps and surviving each day…
But trust me me surviving a day is a goal in its own.