I'm a student year currently studying A levels, I know that might not sound that bad, but my life feels empty. I have always been an introvert despite attempting to try and convince myself otherwise in the past, getting involved with activities like DofE in year 8. I am not new to the feelings I have now, though I've never felt them as strong as I do now. Due to my being an introvert at heart I have had a hard time having that many of the people I know have either moved away or no longer go to the same college as me.
People will probably say, that I should just make some more freinds, even I think that to myself that but I just cant do it. I feel alone, even the older friends who still talk to me occasionally on skype I avoid, I cant help it, I feel outcasted for no reason at all by my very own friends and I am very well aware that it is merely due to the way I think that I am like this.
I stopped attending a drama class which I was doing outside of college when it became too much, I tried to conivnce myself that it was the right thing to do, I had been just finishing a 12 week counciling at the time and was trying to believe that I was fine again. It worked for a while, but now I feel empty once more, I play guitar and sometimes find other ways to try and escape such as shows and reading stories but I feel like what ever I do or make I cannot scream loud enough. I apprecieate that there are people to go to, but I cant help but think they all say the same thing and that has got me where I am today.
I've never been very good at dealing with my feelings, let alone telling others. In my first years at secondary I rarely spoke a word to anybody. I got better as time went on but it just comes back, I don't know what to do, I wanted to exhaust all that I had to say somewhere. I am always there for friends but asking for help? I don't think I have ever asked a friend for help, I can't help it. I don't get suicidal thoughts as such because I am too afraid to do something like that, I don't self harm, but I often if not always feel like I don't want to live.
I am hoping that I can start a new life when I go to university, make some new friends, but at the same time I'm afraid, what if I don't get in, what then? what if I do and I don't make friends? I don't even know if I will do well in the course I intend to do.
I don't want to be depressed but at the same time, I need to feel like theirs a reason I feel this way, the reason that even in a room full of people, I feel alone and unable to speak, the reason that I dread social interaction merely because I cant stand being in amoungst people who are good friends and enjoy their own conversations with me sitting on the outside just trying to fit in.
I try to make sure that I make it in just in time for lessons so that I cut down on time that I have to wait around talking to people, and hate college for this aspect, I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be in college to talk to people, I try to rationalise how I feel but I cant help but fall short, I want to be like other people I know. Heck I have less connections than a friend of mine who isn't in any kind of education. I know I shouldnt compare myself, but what is this? I am writing in the middle of the night on a site I have literally only just signed up too about ten minutes ago.
If I beleived in God I would have someone to blame my misery on, but instead I have only myself to face, I want to be something, I want to be successfull. I feel like I don't really matter and no matter how hard I try I always end up back the way I was before, alone and sad.