Anxious and scared - I may have messed up today

I am feeling so low today. I just want to curl up in a ball on the sofa and never get up. I have had ongoing "do i - dont i" feelings for my boyfriend, who has done nothing wrong, who on paper is pretty damn perfect and who I would feel lost without. This morning I gathered a few of his clothes together he has at mine and told him to leave. I said he would be better off without me. That all this "do i - dont i" stuff wasnt fair on him. My christmas present from him was a few days away starting from this coming wednesday. I told him I didnt want to go. So now he has left and I am here at home. I am anxious and scared and my heart is beating on overtime. And I dont know what to do.

17 Replies

  • {{{{Hugs}}}} aw lillylu. Don't worry about what you did. Anxiety is a horrible thing and it f**ks us all over from time to time, even people who don't have it as a condition.

    If he were truly better off without you he would have left a long time ago of his own accord. I know you feel like it isn't fair on him - but isn't he old enough to decide for himself what he's happy with?

    This is just my opinion, but I think you do love him. Or you wouldn't worry whether or not it was fair. I think it's anxiety and depression making you want to get out because of what happened to you before with a guy leaving you - a kind of "better the devil you know" idea. That at least being alone is predictable. But I don't think either of you will be better off on your own.

    I don't think it will take the anxiety away either. I think it will just switch to you being anxious about whether you did the right thing asking him to leave.

    Forget what's best or fair for a minute. What do you want?

  • What I want is not to feel like this. I love him and when I see him I feel so guilty because he doesnt deserve any of this s**t. He loves me, my kids. We have the same values and outlook on life and Im so angry with myself that I feel the way I do. I could scream. Our relationship isnt perfect but then who's is and i feel if I cant make things work with him then i cant make it work with anyone. Sometimes i think Im better off on my own. He says my negative thoughts are destroying him and that breaks me. He is the last person i'd want to destroy or hurt :(

  • Thought that might be the reply! It doesn't have to be a straight choice between staying together or breaking up. What about couples counselling? Got to be worth a shot given you both care so much for each other. I've actually been in a similar situation to your boyfriend before, and I didn't want to break up, I wanted to find a way for us to be ok together.

    I think Hannah makes a very good point that some one to one time with a therapist on this stuff would likely help you generally in yourself as well. You could see GP and ask to be referred for psychotherapy.

  • I have been seeing a psychotherapy councellor since about the middle of november so to date I've had 4 sessions and resume this week after the two week christmas break. Hannah has made really good points and so has everyone else on here, Im so grateful of peoples opinions. The long and short of it to me is that I obviously dont love him enough otherwise I wouldnt behave the way I have done. If you love someone you dont hurt them do you, you dont love them one minute then want them out of your life the next. I have been in that position and I dont want to inflict that on anyone. I have told him all this last night and as such we are now considering time apart

  • Ok, have you talked through this stuff with them.

    I wonder if the break in counselling has caused you to drop a bit - I got six sessions of counselling, I was once a week, and for the couple of weeks after I finished I dropped like a stone in mood. The cut off in the support had a really big effect. I'm just thinking that before Xmas it came across like you were feeling a bit better, more sure that the relationship was what you wanted, so I wonder if a similar thing's happened for you with the temporary loss of counselling support.

    I think you're being a little hard on yourself saying you don't love him enough because of your anxieties. Love's a complicated thing, it's not that cut and dried. The way you feel is what depression does. I'm single, and sometimes I feel optimistic enough to ask people out, and then the next day I can feel like nobody in their right mind would want to date me. It's no reflection on us to be like that, it's just the way depression works. The trick is to realise when it's the depression talking, and gradually you get more stable.

    Hope you're ok today. You can always message me by the way if you need someone to talk to :)

  • I think maybe youre right - I have missed going to the therapy sessions over christmas. Im ok today, just feel a bit sad about my behaviour and the general complications I've added to his life.

  • Take things easy and don't beat yourself up.

    A few years ago I went through a really bad patch with my boyfriend. My gran was also terminally ill and things at work were a little difficult. However, the problem with the relation was that it was coming up to a general election. My boyfriend and I have quite different political views in some respects - I'm a bit of a red and he's a bit of a blue and I'm so totally disillusioned with party politics that I really don't want to have anything to do with it and yet he wanted to talk - there were also issues over the time he could give to me and in the end I just had enough and I left him on a bench at a nature reserve where we'd met up saying that I thought that although I would try to remain friends I didn't want him to email me daily. It was hell - even remembering it now is hell - and he was so good. He left it to me to send the first email and actually a few weeks later when the election was over we did get back together and have been back together ever since - still the occasional hiccup and I can't say I'm looking forward to the next general election but ... what I want to say is that it might feel as if it is the end of everything but that isn't necessarily the case.

  • Hello

    You just can not settle, the poor bloke must be pulling His Hair out.

    Over Christmas, have you had a good time with Him, have you both fell out with each other.?

    If you are not happy with Him I could understand it, Sadly I do not know how old you are, before Christmas you were wanting to marry the poor bloke, it is a big problem, you are making this relationship self fulfilling as you are saying you are not worthy of His love, Why do you not let him decide who He loves and who He does not love, it is you that you could loose a wonderful relationship.

    Understand you keep doing this you will have him saying you are not worth of me. Phone the poor sap up and do not make any decisions for him, He will be able to make his own decisions.

    If you loose Him you will never forgive yourself and possibly He will never understand why you messed him around so much, do you feel you are not able to fulfil a loving relationship it brings out what I was like at sixteen.

    Give the bloke a break, phone Him and let the relationship work, life is complicated enough without making it worse, what have you got too loose if it does not work, I understand all things are positive, you both seem to get on very well.

    Personally I would run with a relationship like you have here, you will never forgive yourself if you were too loose him


  • Over christmas we did have a nice time, yes. I am 34 years old. If I lose him, I probably would never forgive myself. I'm making myself so angry feeling like this.

  • Try not to dwell on him - could you send him a text or something to apologise and may be suggest that you try talking about things together with a counsellor - eg relate?

  • Hello Lilly

    Look you want to be together, for goodness sake be together, if you love someone who you feel is good for you and your kids I cannot understand the problem, try and be happy, please do not keep questioning the whole relationship, go for it . Good chances do not come along all the time.

    you would be wrong to deny a happy life for you and your kids.

    Get onto that phone and say sorry, have a face to face talk, explain your feelings and say you are feeling worried and feel you are frightened to loose him, that your feelings are irrational

    Good luck for your new life, contact him soon, we all need love and understanding


  • Hi lillylu

    It sounds to me as though you don't really want to break up with your boyfriend.

    Jules x

  • Hi Lillyu I have to say I disagree with the views of most of the

    People who posted here. Depression is terrible,

    Breakup of relationships are awful

    You seem to be acting more like a teenager than a someone f your age.

    If someone did that to me I would feel it's unacceptable Depression or no Depression.

    Depression can make us indecisive but you have to think of your poor boyfriend .

    But it doesn't give us the right to treat someone like a puppet and you

    As an adult not a teenager are the only one who knows if You love him.

    He sounds like the perfect guy but maybe you are not ready to be in a relationship

    Yet. I think too if you have children you have to make sure that the person you are

    Bringing into your life is someone you really want to stay with.

    I can understand you being upset now but really I don't understand how you

    Could do this to someone you are supposed to be in love.

    I think you need to talk all this over with GP or therapist but you are the only

    One who knows what is the right thing to do.

    I hope you get it sorted out as I think it's a very stressful way to go on.


  • Photogeek, you are right. He is the perfect guy and I am behaving horribly. If someone behaved that way to me I would be devastated, depressed or not. I do love him and I have no right to mess him about as Ive done. I need to get my head sorted out once and for all. Thank you for posting x

  • Hi Lilly you are Depressed and anxious , and we can do strange

    Things sometimes. I am just trying to take the emotion

    Out of the situation and then it might be easier to know what

    To do . I am sure he will understand. Did you feel that it helps

    To talk about it. Years ago I was quite messed up and I was

    Telling a college friend my troubles ... She turned to me and

    Said " Hannah you will have to go for therapy ". . At the time

    I was a bit angry with her and felt she was unsympathetic,

    But Lillyu it was the best advice anyone ever gave me. I was all

    Over the place.

    The therapy helped me to make decisions and be reasonably

    Happy with them

    Let me know how you get on and just try and take a bit of

    Time out.


  • Hi Hannah,

    I am having physcotherapy sessions, Ive had about 4 so far and they resume this week after the xmas break. My irrational thoughts, conflicting feelings are so not fair on him. He is the nicest, sweetest most loving man I have ever met and I mean that. I feel he deserves so much better. Maybe I just dont love him enough, if I did surely all this wouldnt be happening. After conversations yesterday and last night, we are considering time apart. Heads and hearts hey?! x

  • hi there I hope your sessions help.Time apart might

    Help you and if he right for you , I think you will be with him. Just give yourself a bit of time to

    Concentrate on what you really want and what's best for you and your family.

    Hope things get better for you, you sound stronger now.


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