This time last week I was hospitalised following an overdose. I was released on Saturday, and have since been having daily visits from a home treatment team. I've swapped medication from 20mg of Citalopram to 50g Sertraline, obviously not feeling any effects just yet except a fuzzy slightly drunk feeling. I have no motivation to do anything. I keep trying to sleep to make time pass quicker, but I wake up after only and hour and feel really frustrated. I just feel stuck I guess, nothing seems to be happening to try and help me move on, home treatment seems to be just for monitoring rather than tackling the problem.
I still feel suicidal, but I'm so frustrated because I can't do anything about it; I have a family that I support quite a lot despite the fact that I'm at Uni and live away from home. My family don't know and can't know about my problems because they have a lot of their own problems to deal with.
I feel so selfish for wanting to harm myself as they depend on me, and I don't want to affect my housemates Uni work by trying again as I think it worries them. I'm basically living for everyone else, not myself. I want to die, but it seems not even my own body is mine to leave if I want as I'm tied to everyone else. I hate it.
I feel so stuck. I don't want to fail next time I try, its just finding the right time and making sure I do it right. I don't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital like my Mum was.....