was advised to talk, here's instalment 1

[Phoenix27]

we came to wales in 2005. me, my hubby, my 2 sons n a sons univited (n in all honesty unwelcome) girlfriend. we had bin homeless, in a hostel for a year due to rascism. wont go into that here, petty by comparison. beautiful home, beautiful village, mountains, sea, countryside, finally felt things had turned around, then i found i was pregnant, life was really lookin up at 25 weeks n 1 day, my waters broke. the fear was acute. we drove to the hospital, me full of fear n hope, dunno how Jim felt, he was old school, nothin mattered but his family, no way wud he show his own fear. Got to the hospital, clearly remember noticin the nurse sniffin my leggins, makin it sure it wasnt urine i suppose, she sed to me, if it was 1 day earlier, we wudnt try n save him, it wud be a miscarriage....WOW! anyways, sent to singleton, put in ward 18, remember them sayin a baby hadnt made it, i was born on the 18th, knew then that wud b the outcome, death, but we hope endlessly dont we? got sent home, told to take it easy, so i did, trouble was, their idea of takin it easy was bed rest, my idea of easy was givin up community care.

My sons girlfiend fancied herself a wicca witch, she didnt like me, (ditto) she left broken egg shells everywhere, put dead flies in my fav food etc, i kno she had no effect, but i kno she thort she did, n its the thort that counts...slag....anyway, got took back in to hospital, they wanted to do a caesarean, i didnt want one, wanted him in me for as long as possible, was havin real strong draggin pains, they didnt examine me, just kept checkin my belly n sayin i wasnt in labour, a doc came to see me, i told him, dont want a caesarean, want to keep him within me for as long as possible, he sed i had a diseased womb n my son had to b born asap. No further info.

Next mornin, went for a poo, pushed n felt my son, pushed the call button, all hands on deck, rushed me to the labour ward, his little feet were already born, kickin n strugglin, a load of students came in, all exclaimin, ooin n aahin, they were gonna give me jn injection to induce labour, then saw i was pushin without it, 'can u deliver him?' 'yes, i'll b gentle' so they let me. Oh God he was so small, knew wen i saw him he wudnt make it, too small but we always hope dont we? !lb 6oz. Went to see him asap, a student nurse sed, ur the mum who was havin a caesarean this mornin arent u? Was I? Didnt know. Anyway, cut thru the pain, he died in my arms 3 days later. Wen he was buried i noticed his grave wasnt dug right, his restin place was out of sync with the other graves n very shallow, he wud b buried beneath his headstone. My husband couldnt bare my grievin, told me not to mourn, it upset my sons, cudnt keep him at home my sons cudnt bear his little cold body in the house. My eldest came to my room n touched his head tho, So brave. My baby looked so like his grandfather, already passed on. So hard, so hard. Still have his blankets etc in the bag they give u, cant bear to unpack it. Stage 1.

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hey Phoenix. Just replying so's you know I'm thinking of you - really don't know what to say about yr little boy, I don't have the experience, except to send you lots of hugs.

Don't know what happened with yr son and the Wicca witch but don't sweat too much who your sons are with. Not saying you have to like them, but don't let it eat away at you, it's not worth the pain and anger

Acceptance is different for everyone. You'll unpack those things when you're ready. That might be tomorrow, it might be ten years, but it will happen at some point.

Glad you posted

Themys

[Phoenix27 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Thank u Themys, really appreciate it, my son is no longer with the 'witch', he had a bad accident in 2011, suffered brain damage n is a walkin talkin miracle, but i expect i'll tell his story fully in instalment 3, my hubbys story will b next.

Its hard goin back to all this, but i think its helpin. Funny, i say 'goin back' but its always floatin round in my head.

[Gambit62]

Good that you have had the courage to let some of this out.

Must be really hard for you with your husband not wanting to see you grieving. I'm not sure he is right because it is a natural process and actually your sons need to know about it - not sure how old they are - but there is some evidence that being exposed to the whole grieving process when you are young (eg through pets) means it isn't so much of a shock to the system later on in life. Nobody ever knows how a particular death is going to affect them but this one was quite tragic.

You might find this sight from net-mums helps you

netmums.com/parenting-suppo...

It looks like they have a lot of poems that parents have written to their lost children.

Carry on posting

[Phoenix27 in reply to Gambit62]

thank u Gambit, it was really hard, tryin not to show how i felt. I really resented it at the time. My hubby died suddenly 14 months later, heart attack. Miss him so much its untrue, bin over 6 years he's bin gone, over 7 with my baby. This really wore me out, thort i cud write bout Jacob, my baby, then Jim, my hubby, then Sol, my eldest, in one go, but cant.

This site is a Godsend tho. Thank u again

[Gambit62 in reply to Phoenix27]

Sorry to hear that you had another loss so shortly after the baby

Just take it a bit at a time - and it is fine to show how you feel - to be honest it will be the same to all of us here if you are bawling your eyes out whilst you write or not ... though I guess it does help to make it a bit easier for other people to understand if it makes logical sense - though your emotions are actually part of the story.

[Hidden]

Hi

You have a lot to grieve for and need some support from a grief counsellor or perhaps a group for parents who have lost their children. Do ask the social work department at the hospital or your GP or local Citizens Advice Bureau for details of local organisations as there will be some and they usually offer free help or charge according to need.

Suexx

[Phoenix27 in reply to Hidden]

it still makes me quite angry, so full of anger its drives me round the bend, quite literally, wen my hubby died i was so angry i was like a powder keg. Still angry, but keep that relatively controlled, til someone does summat stupid, insensitive or cruel. Then my internal feelings scare me tbh. Dont ever want to let it out. Wen my eldest was in his coma a woman made a really nasty comment n she is so lucky she was in Ireland at the time, i truly intended to hurt her bad. Cudnt afford the time away from my son, or the ferry, but i seriously was goin over there to confront her til the reality of bein away from my son kicked in. Shameful

[Suzie40]

Whereabouts in Wales are you? X

[Phoenix27 in reply to Suzie40]

i'm in cardiff now, was pembs, but we moved here wen my eldest son had his accident, he came out of a car at high speed in 2011 n suffered catastophic brain damage. He was taken to the Heath becos withybush cudnt deal with his injuries, also rookwood was the best hospital for his rehab. He's doin amazingly well. But that is instalment 3 xx

[Suzie40]

You're just down the road from me then! Don't see many locals round here! X