A halcyon spirit in the midst of the storm

"Last night I dreamed I was young again, I was wild-eyed and beau

With a fearless heart that just could not be bought or sold

Time can steal most anything, yeah he's the master thief

He can steal my body, cloud my mind but he won't shake my belief"

(Jason & the Scorchers - Days of Wine and Roses)

I've had a strange week. Last weekend, on Friday night, I was crashing, driving up the road towards Beachy Head at 110mph...for a really dumb, stupid reason as well. I was lying in my bed, curled like an embryo, writing the note in my head.

Somewhere in there a small scratch of sanity made me get on my Cineworld app and book a film Saturday morning - giving me a promise to myself that I would still be there, and a reason to pull away from the sanctuary of the mattress in the morning. From there I managed to stabilise, albeit not at a particularly ecstatic level.

And I've kind of stayed there all week. On a scale of one ten, the dial has probably been stuck around four all week. But, despite the core mood being in the tank, I haven't had a bad week. I was quite productive at work. I've been reading on the train and outside work, which is a good sign - despite it helping me enormously, it's one of the first things I lose motivation to do when I'm low. I've even roused myself to start planning and writing some sketchy ideas I have for novels, and work on some of my existing short stories. Again, despite the fact that I love the creative process, I haven't written anything in months.

Yesterday was a bit of an unholy aberration - took me until about 2pm to have a shower (cold, cause our water heater is a-broke), and until 3 to drag myself kicking and screaming out the door and down to the library. Which didn't even really help, last night I could feel the swamp forming around me again, and the quicksand starting to stir under my feet. So I pulled the same trick and got up early this morning to go the gym. 2km, a hot changing room shower and a Starbucks Orange Mocha later, and I was sufficiently motivated to annihilate the washing up, clean the kitchen, and email my mum to keep her off my back for a while.

Not all rosy and flush though - Wednesday is my last counselling session. I'm stunned how torn up I am. It's almost like a break up. It's not that I'm attracted to my counsellor or anything - I suppose it's just that in terms of opening up and confiding in someone, you build up a similar level of trust to a relationship. Which is mighty rare in my case.

Anyway, I'm fairly sure I've prattled on for long enough to bore the pants off everyone, so I shall gracefully withdraw...hope you are all having a good day.


8 Replies

  • Afternoon. I've been wondering where you were. You write so well. What would your novel be about?

  • Hi Lucy. Some of me not being around is because I've got back into my routines of doing things - particularly going to the gym - so I have a bit less time. Though I do feel bad for not replying to as many posts as I used to.

    An idea I had while watching Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (which is an artistically terrible but stupidly fun film!) - what if you switched it round and the witches were doing the detecting? Then I came up with the idea of writing exactly that - witch detectives. And what if, in the same way for the current trend of updating fairy tales, you updated the whole concept of witches? So the idea is a group of ponytail-clad, Converse-wearing, swearword-using witches living normal lives and flitting around London solving crimes. They'll still be magical and live for a very long time, but there won't be a broomstick, black hat or wand in sight. Their secret base is the disused Aldwych tube station (couldn't resist the "Aldwych" word play!). Fortunately I had a ready-made heroine that I'd developed before, but didn't have a story for, who fitted perfectly as the main protagonist. She even happened to have a bit of a witchy-sounding name (Electra).

  • Hi Themsmy, Good to hear how you are doing . I read your

    Earlier post About the inertia battle. It resonated with me . I am

    Terrible in the mornings. I can not blame the hot water as that's not the problem. I constantly struggle to get up and get going, it's

    Like I would love to feel that get up and go feeling that

    Normal people presumably have. When I do drag myself out the door I feel like I am exiting the underworld.

    I think you sound in good form and booking film was great idea.

    Your story about witches sounds " witchy and zany" so keep writing . It's a good creative outlet.

    Don't think of last Counselling session as the end , but the new

    You, post counselling, it will give you a chance to implement

    Any new strategies

    Have a good week


  • Hi Hannah,

    Yep, one of the hardest things to explain to other people is that very often, getting out of bed is the hardest thing I do all day, that it actually feels impossible. I'm grateful for my job in that respect - because there comes a point, even if it's a terrible morning where I've hit the snooze button for an hour or more, where I have to get up or I will be late for my core hours at work. And that is sometimes the last line of defence, that I refuse to be late for work.

    How are you doing at the moment?

  • Sounds very exciting! I'd love to read your first chapter!

  • Glad you are managing to keep going - and good that you are keeping up with the reading.

  • Hi Drive,

    I know all about getting through life with the dial stuck on 3 or 4. This is my constant argument with my GP who thinks this is ok just so long as I'm stable. Apparently he has no idea how hard it is just to get through the day when you feel like that.

    I think you're doing amazingly well to have been able to pick up so much of your life.

    I find my creativity is the first casualty.

    I used to love creative writing but I lost it after my second episode (I'm on episode three) and I haven't seen it since. I struggle enough to get any professional writing done these days which is unfortunate and a source of great stress at work.

    I love the idea of your novel :) I love fantasy.

    Hope you have a better week.



  • Hi lizard, good to hear from you :)

    Sorry about your GP - must be difficult with doctors who have that mentality that they've "fixed" you because you're stable and their job is done. That's why I'm so grateful I got both meds and therapy, I think just one on their own and you can end up in that half way house of just being stable.

    Hope you're ok and today has been one of the better ones.

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