What a week and a big one to come!!

[Kim29]

This last week as to have been the longest one ever!!! I am at a low at the minute anyway but it seemed like if anything could go wrong it as. My daughter stropped off to her dads (she has no rules there) my work have announced that they are making some redundancies and then my husband was rushed into hospital in agony which turned out to be kidney stones (he is feeling much better) for as stressful as this all seems I seem to just get on with it without to much mither!! I am heartbroken inside about my daughter but just seem to carry on. Even with all this going on it still can't take over my overall feeling of sadness and failure!! I have spoken to my husband and explained to him how I feel that I feel like I am here to stop them going through the pain of losing me so I am putting myself through the pain of living everyday for him and the kids. I am back at the doctors again tomorrow but I feel like I'm wasting her time because I'm not getting any better I know I won't tell her how bad I am feeling because I feel like I'm moaning like I'm being selfish and self obsessed!! Then I have got my first meeting with my counsellor I don't know how I feel about it because I really struggle actually speaking to people how I feel without feeling pathetic. How pathetic is that tho? I feel like life could be so simple but I'm making it hard with my bahaviour. I am so bloody frustrated!!!!

[Hidden]

Oh dear Kim you don't sound very good at the moment. You are not being selfish or pathetic even though you feel you are. You are struggling with depression which is very real and an illness. Please stop beating yourself up. Your daughter will soon strop back - thats just teenagers for you. It's good news that your husband is feeling much better now. Kidney stones are nasty but not life threatening. You are catastrophising a bit which is a symptom of depression. You are seeing a counsellor for a very good reason. My advise is to let him/her know exactly how you are feeling otherwise how can they help you? I think you are being very brave and strong by taking steps to deal with your illness. It's not easy but with proper help you should start to feel a bit better and more able to cope soon. Life's a biatch sometimes and depression makes it a lot worse. Keep your chin up. By the way are you a northerner? I'm originally from Manchester - its the word 'mither' you used! Thats always what we said up north but you don't hear it down south where I live now. Thinking of you.

Bev xx

[Kim29 in reply to Hidden]

Sorry I did reply lower down on the thread I am crap only just noticed individual reply buttons xx

[Suzie40]

Hello Kim, I'm glad you've taken the time to post because I can relate to much of what you've written. Sharing parenting is very hard and having to bite your tongue, when you know what's going on at Dad's house is not what you would allow to happen, is even harder. My daughter's Dad asked me to drop her there today because he'd been out last and didn't want to drive today. I didn't mind and stopped for a chat while she had her dinner. It was a cooked dinner, which looked nice, but accompanying it was the biggest glass of coke I had ever seen! I was furious! I also get angry that they 'play fight' in a really rough way. If I had my way she wouldn't go at all, but he is her Dad and I have to respect her desire to have a relationship with him.

It's perfectly natural to feel worried and anxious about counselling. It is a tough process, but you won't be made to say things you don't want to say, or even speak at all if you dont want to! I've spent sessions with mine in complete silence, while he tries relentlessly to work out what's the matter with me! X

[Kim29 in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Lucy sorry I did reply lower down in the thread only just realise the individual reply button xx

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Kim,

Bev is spot on, you aren't being selfish or pathetic. And you aren't making life harder, your illness is - completely different thing. Look at it this way. You wouldn't beat yourself up if your capacity to do things were reduced by you leg being broken - so why beat yourself up because your brain is unable to produce neurotransmission chemicals as it should do? For that is what depression is. The mood loss is the symptom, not the cause.

You're not wasting the doctor's time - if you're not feeling better then that's exactly when you should be going to the doctor! It's important to tell her exactly how you feel to the right treatment. You aren't at all being self-obsessed. Let me ask you this; you feel you're going through this depressed state every day for the sake of your husband and your kids, not yourself - would a truly self-obsessed person feel they had to make the effort for those around them? It's very common for those of us with depression to feel we are being selfish when we actually aren't. I've been there many times. It helps me to try to separate the depression from myself, whenever I feel that way I say to myself that's the depression talking, not me.

Don't worry about the counselling - I had exactly the same anxieties as you a few weeks ago, I don't open up to people easily either, I thought everything I said would sound ridiculous and stupid, and I wanted to just bail out and not go. But Counsellors are trained to get you to open up, and to build an atmosphere of trust. And five sessions later, it's helped me massively and I'm actually quite distraught that this Wednesday is my last one

Let us know how you get on with the appointments tomorrow - I hope they help

[Kim29]

Haha yeah I live just outside manchester. Leigh you probably know it. I think I struggle so much with telling people and feeling the way I do because I have always been the strong one in our family if something went wrong I fixed it that was what I was known for and when my beautiful sister died I was the same for the first 12-18 months and the. Everyone seemed to be able to look after them selves I had my son and that was it I felt like I couldn't cope day to day let alone with big problems. I live with an immense amount of sadness inside me which I can't get away from even when I try and count my blessings. Then I look at my amazing mum who is raising my sisters kids and think how selfish I am for feeling this way when she is living with the loss of her daughter and raising the kids she is amazing and I wish I could take a leaf out of her book. I just want to feel like I did before this all happened. I miss me xx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Kim29]

That's a really common story and background with depression - people who are like you are, strong and always sorting everything out for everyone else, are actually the people most at risk for stress-induced depression. We take on too much because we feel we have to for other people, and eventually our brain cracks under the pressure - and that's how you get what I mentioned earlier, with the brain not being able to produce neurotransmitter chemicals, which makes it unable to regulate our mood as it should do. And that's why, no matter what you try to tell yourself, you still feel sad - because it's a physical thing causing the sadness to become our "default" mood, it needs medical and psycho-therapeutic treatments to recover from.

You're still you - that strong, healing, helping person hasn't gone anywhere. The difference is what I've written above; that your brain isn't physically capable of motivating or regulating you in the same way, and you don't have the same capacity you used to. What happens then is what happens with many of us - the drive to be that person that helps everyone, that is there for everyone, that turns inwards and makes us feel like we are selfish. When in reality, if anyone's earned the right to be cut a bit of slack, it's you, for all the times that you've been there for someone else.

[Kim29]

I read everyone else's stories and feel complete empathy for them I can completely understand how they feel and I think how hard they are on themselves and when people tell me that I'm being hard in myself and to give myself time I can see that the words make sense but I can't make myself feel that way. I hope I can go and confide all in the counsellor it would be amazing to feel so much better in 5 weeks time. I would just like to point out I have had a bath and washed my hair today this in itself is an immense achievement at the minute

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Kim29]

That's good Part of learning to deal with depression (for me anyway) is a kind of CBT-type thinking of training yourself to see the positive side. It's a really positive sign that you're able to see that what people are saying to you makes sense - that on some level you know you're being hard on yourself. If that doesn't translate into emotion yet, don't worry, it will do in time. And don't beat yourself up because you can't have a bath every day - love yourself because you managed to today

[Kim29]

My daughters dad is a sponge since we separated he hasn't had a job because he refuses to pay maintenance so when I have been hard at work all these years and my daughter probably feels like he has more time for her but I have done everything for her to try and make sure she had a good life to take her on holidays to make sure she had what her friends had to make sure I was at every parents evening put a roof over her head and food in her mouth but because he never met anyone else and doesn't work she thinks his life is all about her he tells her that love is more important and it worrys me that she won't have a goal in life or a sense if workin for what you get. I don't want my baby to struggle through the rest of her life worrying about paying bills etc because he instilled in her the lazy attitude xx

[Suzie40]

You can spend your entire life trying to justify whose commitment to her was the most commendable. And in the blink of an eye she'll be grown up and gone and won't care in the slightest whose maintenance paid for her seventh birthday party. Spend your tone enjoying her and being a good mum and give him the chance to do the same. I felt bitter about chip supper for a long time, then realised that I was letting it ruin my relationship with her.