When I am at my lowest as I have been for some weeks now I can't even find the motivation to write on the website as there seems no point. People are supportive but it doesn't help. I no longer know what I am depressed about, it feels as though there are so many things that leave me feeling traumatised and I no longer have any resilience. I am trained to help other people with their problems but feel I have no capacity now to even do that let alone deal with my own depression. I feel overwhelmed. I'm taking a very low dose of anti-depressants but will never go onto a higher dose as I've done that before and once the body adjusts to the dosage it is no longer effective and has to be increased, a never-ending spiral. I'm still in long term therapy and the support of that helped in the past but no longer changes the way I feel. I wake every day in pain with fibromyalgia and arthritis, gain more and more weight and feel less and less able to do things, feel I'm just waiting for my life to pass, as is my husband in reality who has end stage renal failure. I just wonder what it's all about. I have things to look forward to - my children and their partners coming back to the UK on a visit after Christmas which will be lovely - but I can't seem to shift my negative thinking about myself. I won't try CBT - I have taught it and know how to change my thoughts but find it doesn't help. I was traumatised for lengthy periods in the past and that has taken its toll on my body physically and emotionally, now it takes so little for me to drop back into the deep depression and I find I just can't lift myself out of it. We have tickets for a wonderful concert tonight but I just want to curl up and sleep forever. I won't harm myself, but I seem unable to find the energy or motivation to do anything more positive.
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